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£145

Women who think I look nothing like George Clooney.

Altogether too much shite talked about fotball on the TV. There's almost as much 'debate' as there is football action when you consider the preamble, the half time analysis and the post mortem. I can't listen to any of them. I like lip reading Gabby Yorath though.

Michael Johnson has proved to be an exception to the rule. He was a brilliant athlete in his day and now shows up the likes of Brendan Foster, Sally Gunnell, and Steve Cram for what they are, boring ex athletes. Is any commentator more boring than Brendan Foster?

I was speaking for myself, thank you. I'm not a parrott. I'm not a parrott. I'm n......

Unless that picture has been vertically stretched her face is too long for me. While we were looking into each other's eyes she'd be spitting out the hairs from my chest.

Yeh, make way for some fresh abuse.

"Take a close relative with you to marry " There are two things in life one must not try, not even once - incest and Morris Dancing.

"Adders are much cheaper than my accountant ! " ...who is cheaper than his solicitor!

Sport ? Sounds more like playing poker for a million pounds a hand to me........ Oh, sorry, that would be sport to you LordH.

I had the same kind of wonderings about how many Scottish tv presenters we have in England. Are there any English presenters up there?

When you think that Matt's Arse gets far less exposure than Thommo's you have to conclude that he is a serious contender for The Marester's Title.

"Great advert though, where did you find it?" In his wallet. He hasn't opened it since he put it in.

"Correct...from April 2008. Will negate the benefits for most of use of reducing the basic rate." Off the top of my head I would say that everyone earning more than £17500 per year will pay less tax under the new rates than they do under the present ones. The changeover is at the point where...

A lot of people fall asleep while I'm talking to them. What's that called?

A staistician I know takes a bomb on board every time he flies. He reckons the chances of there being two bombs on a plane are infinitesmal! Some advice from the pub last night. Two things are absolute no no's, not even once. Incest and Morris Dancing!

"I might as well be dead for all anyone cares " Not true.

"they somehow just know how desperately I'm in need of breast enlargements..........." SL, I know a firm that's doing wheelbarrows cheap at the moment.

No fat, no old, no fart so I've had to make do with English.

OK, it's now only a matter of time before Hollowood decide on an acting career for Becks. In what roles/films do we see him performing? The Great Escapade From England with boots. Houdini 2. Double crosser.