A Topical Story

Diamond Geezer

Diamond Geezer

Gone But Not Forgotten
Joined
May 2, 2003
Messages
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The late Pope John Paul II was standing at 'the gates' discussing things with St Peter.

Behind St Peter was a huge wall with an enormous number of clocks on it, and the Pope was inquisitive about these clocks.

Said Peter, "These are lie clocks. Everyone alive and dead has a lie clock, and each time they tell a lie one second is added to the clock. So when they come up here we know whether the person is also telling us fibs to get in".

The Pope thought this was a great idea, so he asked to see his clock. Sure enough, the hands were stuck on midnight never having moved as the Pope had never told a lie in his life.

A couple of clocks to the left were a clock with the second hand at 5 seconds past midnight. The Pope pointed at it and enquired, and was told "That was Lord Nelson's clock, he told 5 lies during his lifetime to hide his affair with Lady Hamilton".

The late Pope was greatly impressed by this, so he asked where Britain's Prime Minister "Tony Blair's" clock was...

"Oh that's not on the wall. Jesus has moved that into his office... he's using it as a desk fan".
 
It was definitely used for Richard Nixon .

I wonder how Charles Byrne's clock is ?
 
I was talking about the joke applying to Richard Nixon too. I was but a twinkle in my daddy's eye when all that went on.....

Ok, so I don't actually know who Charles Byrne is..... :shy:
 
God, I'm half asleep today - total lack of sleep over the last few days!! I didn't take much notice of the trainer's name to be honest. :shy: Besides, I missed the race as I was in bed recovering from the hangover induced by staggering back to my flat at 6.45 that morning.....
 
A Celtic fan from Lanarkshire appears at the Pearly Gates and shouts to St Peter, "Let me in! Let me in!"

St Peter goes to the Gates and says, "Why should I?"

"I need sanctuary!"

"Why?"

"I'm a Celtic fan, and I just walked through the streets of Larkhall, singing We've Won the League Again, Fly the Flag, Fly the Flag, and they said they'd kill me and chase me all the way to Heaven and kill me again, and they're right behind me!"

"You were really silly," says St Peter, "but you'd better come in quickly."

Just as St Peter closed the gates, the screaming hordes appeared, rushing towards them.

"Don't worry," said St Peter to the Tim, "you're safe now. Come inside"

Having spent a while examing the chap's past, St Peter said, "I'm afraid your stay here will need to be suspended for a wee while. You'll need to go to Purgatory till your sins are atoned for."

"But what about that mob from Larkhall?"

"Go and check," said St Peter. I'll be along soon. I need to speak to God a minute.

St Peter met the Celtic fan on his way back.

"They're gone," says the Celtic fan.

"The Larkhall mob?"

"No, the Pearly Gates!"
 
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