montyracing2
At the Start
Last weekend my son Chris married Jasmine (a gorgeous and very clever lady from Stockholm). His brother was best man and a few months ago asked if I might put a few ideas together for his speech. The following is the middle draft (me to him to his partner, back to me back to him etc) and contains only part of what he choose to include/exclude ... hope you find it amusing. Some parts are lifted, other parts evolved during our Father/Son bonding sessions:
Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments silence in memory of the 100’s of cows, fish, chickens and mushrooms: the countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible, not to mention the future generations mortgaged to the hilt with our carbon miles.
It's a wonderful honour to stand before a room full of interested, attentive people and talk in tribute to a man of high achievement, flawless integrity, piercing intellect and impeccable wit - and if I ever get that opportunity …..
Now, ‘Googling’ a good Best-Man Speech is like hunting endangered species – so difficult to spot one to shoot.
However, generally, the internet is a great thing for putting together a such a speech but, after being told in no uncertain terms which ‘tried and tested’ one-liners I could not use, I became even more anxious, thinking I would be restricted to ‘toasting the bride and groom’ and sitting down so, this was the speech proof read by the QA team (tear it up), oh bugger I’ve torn the wrong one up, oh no, now for the real one …..
Today represents a great occasion for both sets of parents being the culmination of many years of planning. They have prepared Jasmine and Chris well, supported them through school, university, various worldwide travels and taught them the difference between right and wrong, so that they are acutely aware of what they are enjoying at any given time.
The thought of Chris and Jasmine’s travels brings to mind a little aside and, in particular, to their South American adventure, its immediate ‘Argentina…Falklands… oh my god’ reaction was only usurped two years later with the outburst ‘Cam..BLOODY...bodia’ when Sarah announced her plans.
And then there was that ‘nod of approval’ recieved for my ‘Australia’ sojourn. Hard to believe, when my Dad’s advice to me as a cricketer: ‘Aim high, play test cricket and enjoy the thought of 1 miilion four hundred and seventeen thousand six hundred and twenty seven little Australian children crying themselves to sleep when you steal the ashes back!’
I feel I must generally warn you about my Dad, especially those of you from the North, he tends to say what he thinks. For example, his job application for a Disaster Relief Public Relations Co-ordinator was rejected when his answer to ‘How would you like to leave your audience feeling after a sales pitch’ was ‘I like to leave all my audiences hungry for more.’
Now, being a prospective father, I feel I should include a few snippets of useful bedroom etiquette. Just a few, for Jasmine;
Jasmine, from a young age Chris has been fearful of loud noises, so, perhaps ear plugs might make the experiences less fraught.
Chris has an aversion to blindfolds - arising from the time that Dad, believing to play sport effectively required making use of all our senses, made us put on blindfolds and evade balls of varying weight and size that he launched in our direction!
To both of you, a word of caution against asking my Dad about names for children. His input, based on a famous film character, no …not Matilda, Hannah or Elizabeth but RIPLEY after the ‘bitch who beat up Alien 4 times.’ – must admit its growing on me!
A while ago Jasmine announced her knowledge of ‘Fairy Tales’ but on interrogation concerning the moral issues pertaining to ’Rumpelstiltskin’ I would prefer to introduce the much more British folklore of ‘Winnie the Pooh’.
Now, Jasmine are you listening: Marriage is a bit like Eyores tail and its regular disappearance, your partnership might hit the rocks on Tuesday, be patched up by Friday, yet in the full knowledge that it will hit the rocks again next Tuesday. (By the way both Chris’s Mum and, my partner, Faye were dead set against this advocation and even more so about any parallels to be drawn of Pooh-Bear covering himself in honey and sliding down a rabbit hole.)
Now, for Chris’s sake and, to bring a balance balance, I might introduce the Nordic version of Winnie the Pooh, that of Troll tales.
Chris, there are Swedish folk tales of ‘Changelings’ whereby human and troll babies are switched at birth. So, Chris, if your children appear a little dis-similar and Jasmine has a peculiar growth of stubbly greenish hair down her back or a tendency to turn to stone at sunrise, then perhaps you may have invited the wrong set of parents.
It’s an interesting thought that as Brits try and educate our children with gentle tales of Winnie the Pooh, our favourite cousins in the northern hemisphere use mountain size, fire breathing Trolls – its no wonder Jasmine is bit of a karate-kid: Rumour has it that ‘Grendel’ would have stood little chance.
******
Family Photos
Telegrams (Messages from people who can’t be here)
To end:
There’s only four things you can be in life: sober, tipsy, drunk and hungover. But, Tipsy is the only one where you don’t cry when you’re doing it.
That thought has been lifted from the Edinburgh Fringe just a week ago, so, hopefully this will have been the first wedding party to have used it!
Final toast
Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments silence in memory of the 100’s of cows, fish, chickens and mushrooms: the countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible, not to mention the future generations mortgaged to the hilt with our carbon miles.
It's a wonderful honour to stand before a room full of interested, attentive people and talk in tribute to a man of high achievement, flawless integrity, piercing intellect and impeccable wit - and if I ever get that opportunity …..
Now, ‘Googling’ a good Best-Man Speech is like hunting endangered species – so difficult to spot one to shoot.
However, generally, the internet is a great thing for putting together a such a speech but, after being told in no uncertain terms which ‘tried and tested’ one-liners I could not use, I became even more anxious, thinking I would be restricted to ‘toasting the bride and groom’ and sitting down so, this was the speech proof read by the QA team (tear it up), oh bugger I’ve torn the wrong one up, oh no, now for the real one …..
Today represents a great occasion for both sets of parents being the culmination of many years of planning. They have prepared Jasmine and Chris well, supported them through school, university, various worldwide travels and taught them the difference between right and wrong, so that they are acutely aware of what they are enjoying at any given time.
The thought of Chris and Jasmine’s travels brings to mind a little aside and, in particular, to their South American adventure, its immediate ‘Argentina…Falklands… oh my god’ reaction was only usurped two years later with the outburst ‘Cam..BLOODY...bodia’ when Sarah announced her plans.
And then there was that ‘nod of approval’ recieved for my ‘Australia’ sojourn. Hard to believe, when my Dad’s advice to me as a cricketer: ‘Aim high, play test cricket and enjoy the thought of 1 miilion four hundred and seventeen thousand six hundred and twenty seven little Australian children crying themselves to sleep when you steal the ashes back!’
I feel I must generally warn you about my Dad, especially those of you from the North, he tends to say what he thinks. For example, his job application for a Disaster Relief Public Relations Co-ordinator was rejected when his answer to ‘How would you like to leave your audience feeling after a sales pitch’ was ‘I like to leave all my audiences hungry for more.’
Now, being a prospective father, I feel I should include a few snippets of useful bedroom etiquette. Just a few, for Jasmine;
Jasmine, from a young age Chris has been fearful of loud noises, so, perhaps ear plugs might make the experiences less fraught.
Chris has an aversion to blindfolds - arising from the time that Dad, believing to play sport effectively required making use of all our senses, made us put on blindfolds and evade balls of varying weight and size that he launched in our direction!
To both of you, a word of caution against asking my Dad about names for children. His input, based on a famous film character, no …not Matilda, Hannah or Elizabeth but RIPLEY after the ‘bitch who beat up Alien 4 times.’ – must admit its growing on me!
A while ago Jasmine announced her knowledge of ‘Fairy Tales’ but on interrogation concerning the moral issues pertaining to ’Rumpelstiltskin’ I would prefer to introduce the much more British folklore of ‘Winnie the Pooh’.
Now, Jasmine are you listening: Marriage is a bit like Eyores tail and its regular disappearance, your partnership might hit the rocks on Tuesday, be patched up by Friday, yet in the full knowledge that it will hit the rocks again next Tuesday. (By the way both Chris’s Mum and, my partner, Faye were dead set against this advocation and even more so about any parallels to be drawn of Pooh-Bear covering himself in honey and sliding down a rabbit hole.)
Now, for Chris’s sake and, to bring a balance balance, I might introduce the Nordic version of Winnie the Pooh, that of Troll tales.
Chris, there are Swedish folk tales of ‘Changelings’ whereby human and troll babies are switched at birth. So, Chris, if your children appear a little dis-similar and Jasmine has a peculiar growth of stubbly greenish hair down her back or a tendency to turn to stone at sunrise, then perhaps you may have invited the wrong set of parents.
It’s an interesting thought that as Brits try and educate our children with gentle tales of Winnie the Pooh, our favourite cousins in the northern hemisphere use mountain size, fire breathing Trolls – its no wonder Jasmine is bit of a karate-kid: Rumour has it that ‘Grendel’ would have stood little chance.
******
Family Photos
Telegrams (Messages from people who can’t be here)
To end:
There’s only four things you can be in life: sober, tipsy, drunk and hungover. But, Tipsy is the only one where you don’t cry when you’re doing it.
That thought has been lifted from the Edinburgh Fringe just a week ago, so, hopefully this will have been the first wedding party to have used it!
Final toast
