Ducks

Diamond Geezer

Diamond Geezer

Gone But Not Forgotten
Joined
May 2, 2003
Messages
13,884
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 
A guy walks into a brothel in New Orleans and asks what they can let him have for five dollars. They give him ten minutes alone with a duck.

The following week he returns and asks what he can have for ten dollars. They ofer him a duck again. "Hold on," he says "last week you gave me a duck for five dollars, now I've got ten dollars and you're still giving me a duck".

"Ah" the madam replies "but this one hasn't got AIDS".
 
You probably have to be aware of Scottish culture to appreciate this one I heard the other day:

What did the Edinburgh paedophile say to the little boy?



























"You'll have had your sweeties?"
 
Sorry Mo - that one escaped me!! I'm hoping it's just the lack of knowledge about Edinburgh culture..... :lol:
 
It means that he's even too tight-fisted to lure the kiddies with sweeties, Dom! How refreshing for Mo - someone who doesn't know about the (entirely false/unfounded/slanderous) accusation that Scotsmen are mean. :o
 
:lol:

Dom, the fine people of our beautiful capital are notorious (among Glaswegians at least) for welcoming visitors to their homes with the words, "Come in, sit down, ye'll have had yer tea?" to save them the bother and expense of hospitality which is otherwise showered upon them in the west.

A notoriety which is totally undeserved, of course...
 
Meanwhile back to the ducks

This guy walks into a quiet bar, carrying three ducks one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the man chat for about half an hour before the guy with the ducks has to go to the toilet. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence and so the bartender decides to try to make some conversation. What's your name?' he asks the first duck. Huey, replies the first duck. How's your day been, Huey? Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. Oh. That's nice, says the bartender. The bartender then turns to the second duck and says: Hi. And what's your name?. Dewey, came the reply. So how's your day been, Dewey? Just wonderful. Fantastic day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I could have another day just like today, I would do the same again. The bartender turns to the third duck and says: So, you must be Louie. No, growls the third duck. My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day
 
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