Five Loaded Questions

Diamond Geezer

Diamond Geezer

Gone But Not Forgotten
Joined
May 2, 2003
Messages
13,884
Expect we have all been there



1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly :rolleyes:

Question 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit
pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question would be "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you" <_<


Question 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "Yes" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
necessary, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, shít loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?


Question 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you
d. I've seen fatter
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.


Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.


Question 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari
and a boat") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I would get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
MAN Ffs


So how do you get round these fellers ? :lol:
 
It's really, really easy, DG, and I speak as a woman who avoided asking all of those questions, since I'd always insisted my pardners spoke the truth. :o So here goes with some surefire avoidance techniques:

1) "Hey, nothing much. Until you came in, sweetheart..." (Meaningful look, outstretched hand, winsome smile.)

2) "I can't believe you need to ask me that!" (Hurt look, outstretched hand, winsome smile.)

3) "What! You look GREAT! But then, I think you always do." (Yeah, 'great' as in 'Great Wall of China', 'Great Pyramid' and 'Great Big Triple-Cheeseburger, but you like your nose as it is. Winsome smile, outstretched hand, etc., etc.)

4) "Uh? Who? Who? Oh - HER! Are you kidding?" (No, she's not. You are. "She" is God's gift to the Universe, but meanwhile you've got... winsome smile, outstretched hand, blah, blah.)

5) "Darling, you and I are never, never, not EVER going to die! Promise! C'mere..." (Warm chuckling laugh, outstretched hand, hug, kiss... phew!)

Emergency PS: okay, if you klutz up No.5 or get ambushed by a sudden "Would you marry again if I died?" the answer is, again, nice 'n' easy.

You sit down very slowly, adopting the 'Hurt Look' as per No.2 above. If possible, think of the time you smashed up your first car, and tears should flow. Now turn your head away from the Loved One as if everything is unbearable. (Do this especially if you have failed to muster the tears.) Now, very slowly: "What? Good grief! I-I can't even start to think of something like that. No, really, I-I'm sorry, I can't." Now abruptly flee the room and wait for her to find you, staring deeply out of a window. Be prepared to have to repeat No.1...
 
Women are easy, I have it all well sussed....

Schoolgirl - What happens if we break up?
Gearoid (drunk) - Look, we were friends first and we'll be friends always and that will never change.

Schoolgirl - Have you got a condom, Gearoid?
Gearoid (drunk) (pulls up boxers) - No
Schooldgril - Next time
Gearoid (drunk and now very frustrated) Come ere, sex is'nt everything, I just want to be here with you (rubs back and kisses on the cheek)
Schoolgirl (thinks to self what a guy) - awwwwww

Easy aint it?
 
:lol:

There are two answers to the statement " I love you "

I love you too - correct

I know - wrong wrong wrong

Assuming of course you are in a relationship with the maker of the statement . If it was Thommo or Tanya for example - the answer is RUN
 
Oh, never say "I love you too" unless you mean it :lol:

I have never, ever asked any of the questions above - not even to my last ex, who is the only man in the world who has ever made me slightly neurotic! However, he used to ask me what I was thinking, and I hate that question as much as any man - my only reply was "I am thinking how much I hate that question!"

Wouldn't ask number 2 because if you don't already know, you don't want to hear the answer.

I suppose the same could go for the other questions too!
 
I have an interesting story on the subject of Question 1, but I'm not sure that it's suitable for the forum before the nine o'clock watershed.
 
A friend of mine is a London black cab driver, a committed Arsenal supporter and a red blooded lover of the opposite sex. A few years ago he was dallying with the wife of a bank robber who was serving a long prison sentence.

One day she was, er, as the tabloids used to put it, performing a sex act on him when she looked up and asked him "What are you thinking about?"

He was then too honest. He said "I'm trying to think who we're away to on Saturday week, I know that we've got Blackburn at home on Saturday."

Within less than a minute she had found one of her husband's guns and chased him out into the street, minus most of his clothing, screaming "Come here, you bastard, I'm going to kill you."

He escaped and survived and Arsenal did the double that year.

The old man is still inside but the relationship ended that day at the wrong end of a Smith & Wesson.
 
:lol: :lol: :lol:

"Minus most of his clothing" - don't tell me he'd still got his socks on? That's a shooting offence in itself.
 
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Very good, Brian!!!

I hate that particular question - the "what are you thinking about?" one....I can't say I remember having ever used it myself as I cannot stand being asked it myself!! I have been asked it on a few occasions though..... <_<
 
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