Joke Week

T

tetley

At the Start
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."
 
Thick guy with a pair of wellies,one with the letter L painted on it,the other with the letter R painted on it.

His girlfriend noticing the lettering asks what to the letters L and R on your wellies indicate?

The boyfriend answers,well love L means Left Foot and R means Right foot.

Oh says his girlfriend, THATS why my Knickers have C&A on them.
 
Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were
eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time
for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."
Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham &
Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his
death. Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham
opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really
tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at Posh Spice. "Hey, don't look at me," she
said, "He makes his own lunch."
 
Woman to doctor: My husband has terrible dandruff.

Doctor: Give him Head & Shoulders.

Woman: How do I give him shoulders?

--------------------
 
A little girl goes to the barbers shop with her father. She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know, she replies. I'm gonna get tits too."

regards
Trevor
 
The Bush/Kerry Election



The 2004 election results were so close that the Electoral College vote was tied,
and Congress couldn't break the deadlock.

The Supreme Court decided they'd better not make the decision themselves,
so they sent Bush and Kerry to a frozen lake in northern Minnesota to have
an ice-fishing contest.

No one was allowed to accompany them, and they were on their honor to let the guy who caught the most fish in five days become president.

On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back with ten fish.

Bush caught none.

On the second day, Kerry caught 20 fish, and again W came back empty-handed.

When Kerry brought back 25 fish on day three and W still hadn't caught any, Bush got worried and telephoned Cheney for advice.

"He's probably cheating," suggested the VP.

"I hadn't thought of that," said W. "You're probably right. What do we do?" Cheney suggested that instead of going fishing the next day, Bush should go follow Kerry to see what he was doing.

At the end of day 4, Bush called Cheney and told him, "You were right, Dick, Kerry is cheating."

"What's he doing?" asked Cheney.










"He's cutting holes in the ice."
 
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