Merlin the Magician
At the Start
some of them should carry a health warning for being so cringe-making, but some of them will make you giggle.. 
..
Top Jokes Internationally ...
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
THE WINNING JOKE
A couple of New Jerseyhunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
SECOND PLACE
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Top Joke in England
Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
Top Joke in Wales
A tortoise was walking down an alley in New Yorkwhen a gang of snails mugged him. A police detective came to investigate and asked the tortoise if he could explain what happened. The tortoise looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
>>A man sitting on a California beach was deep in prayer, when suddenly
>>the Lord appeared and said to him: "Because you have been faithful to
>>me, I will grant you one wish." The man said: "Build me a bridge to
>>Hawaii so I can drive there whenever I want."
>>
>>The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic, but think of the
>>enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking". "The supports
>>required to reach the bottom of the Pacific" "The concrete and steel
>>it would take" "It would almost exhaust several natural resources,
>>however I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
>>worldly things" The Lord went on and said: "Take a little more time to
>>think of something less materialistic, that would bring fulfillment
>>and satisfaction to you as a person"
>>
>>The man thought about it for a long time.
>>
>>Finally the man said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I
>>want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives
>>me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
>>'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy.
>>
>>The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
>> Jamaican goes for a job interview.
>>
>> Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
>> represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Rastaman says. "Oh, dat
>> dere is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
>>
>> "What's this?" the boss asks.
>> "You no see it, mon? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says the
>> Rasta. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use
>> the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Rasta stares into
>> space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and
>> makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go"
>> The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
>> represent 99?" "Each of da trees him dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and
>> dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I no got brain?" The
>> boss is getting angry as is worried he's going to have to hire this
>> Rasta,
>> so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent
>> the
>> number 100." The Rasta stares into space some more, then he picks up the
>> picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says,
>> "Ere you go, mon. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must
>> be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Rasta leans forward
>> and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog
>> come along, seen, and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a
>> turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one
>> hundred... So when I start, boss?"
.. Top Jokes Internationally ...
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
THE WINNING JOKE
A couple of New Jerseyhunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
SECOND PLACE
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Top Joke in England
Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
Top Joke in Wales
A tortoise was walking down an alley in New Yorkwhen a gang of snails mugged him. A police detective came to investigate and asked the tortoise if he could explain what happened. The tortoise looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
>>A man sitting on a California beach was deep in prayer, when suddenly
>>the Lord appeared and said to him: "Because you have been faithful to
>>me, I will grant you one wish." The man said: "Build me a bridge to
>>Hawaii so I can drive there whenever I want."
>>
>>The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic, but think of the
>>enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking". "The supports
>>required to reach the bottom of the Pacific" "The concrete and steel
>>it would take" "It would almost exhaust several natural resources,
>>however I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
>>worldly things" The Lord went on and said: "Take a little more time to
>>think of something less materialistic, that would bring fulfillment
>>and satisfaction to you as a person"
>>
>>The man thought about it for a long time.
>>
>>Finally the man said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I
>>want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives
>>me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
>>'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy.
>>
>>The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
>> Jamaican goes for a job interview.
>>
>> Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
>> represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Rastaman says. "Oh, dat
>> dere is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
>>
>> "What's this?" the boss asks.
>> "You no see it, mon? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says the
>> Rasta. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use
>> the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Rasta stares into
>> space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and
>> makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go"
>> The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
>> represent 99?" "Each of da trees him dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and
>> dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I no got brain?" The
>> boss is getting angry as is worried he's going to have to hire this
>> Rasta,
>> so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent
>> the
>> number 100." The Rasta stares into space some more, then he picks up the
>> picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says,
>> "Ere you go, mon. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must
>> be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Rasta leans forward
>> and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog
>> come along, seen, and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a
>> turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one
>> hundred... So when I start, boss?"
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfiend buying flowers.