BrianH
At the Start
Maharishi Fattifatbastard’s Guide to Zen
§ Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either, just feck off and leave me alone.
§ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
§ The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
§ Sex is like air.
It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
§ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
§ Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
§ Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.
§ Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
§ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
§ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
§ If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
§ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
§ Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again?
It was probably worth it.
§ If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
§ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
§ Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
§ Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
§ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
§ A closed mouth gathers no feet.
§ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.
Neither one works.
§ Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
§ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
§ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
§ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse.
From there on in, life gets worse
§ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
§ Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
