St. Mel Does The Pope
- Thread starter krizon
- Start date
A
Ardross
Guest
Yuk
D
Derek.Burgess
Guest
He will need a Box to stand on if he going to be able to see over the window sill of his gaff in St.Peters Sq. Vatican City.Rome.ITALY Europe(new) lets have a riot in Milan,NO! not the horse.This has nothing to do with AOB,even though he was my ROG,is a place at the Southend on Sea of Spain,keep it in the Family (eu)and is populated by monkeys,from whence we came.it is alleged, and undoubtably will give the new pontif grounds for a rethink on the Horny subject of contraception,after all,no one of sound mind would like to be thought of as a descendent of a load of rock apes,nevertheles,some Germans,affectionally call us Little Englanders,and,liken us to Insel Affen.Which,i suppose,is an oblique reference to the Spanish Armada who,on a weeked excursion,visited the British Isles and were not made welcome and ran away in a huff. This of course spawned the now famous Ben of idorm who lured thousands of British Maidens sample his delights,this of course left the streets of Kings Cross deserted for almost a hundred years.Not wanting to get spots on the palms of their hands,the brave British male turned the other cheek and became apreciative of one another and were to flouncing around in gay abandon.Not liking this at all the Conservative party had a brainwave and sent them packing to a small island off the pier at Dover,called Aussie land.They were allowed to take a few sheep with them and a couple of she Monkeys as well.There was not a lot to do inAussie land in those days circa 1902,so they invented a game which entailed hitting a cricket witha lump of wood then eating it,the cricket,that is,not the wood.The wod was used to start a red thing called a flame,the dead cricket would be placed on the flame and when it turned black, an expatriot brit would pluck it from the fire and eat it,This incurred a rapid shortening of the fingers because of burning.(perhaps thats why Aussie Umpires have difficulty in giving anyone out)Fire being good for cooking and flesh (fingers)giving off a nice aroma,the lads had a choice to make.Monkeys or Sheep. Taffy said that sheep were sacred in the place where he came from and they provided entertainment for the masses,so they should not be consumed.
The pair of Monkeys vetoed all other suggestions on the grounds that they were cleverer than all the humanoids.They cited the many cases of short fingardness.
After many,many years of fruitless chasing of Ostriches and Kangeroos it was decided to befriend the natives and so yvonne was dscovered and so where the delights of baby making.Out of one clandesine relationship a small urchin was born.It was soon discovered that he was usless at hitting crickets with a lump of wood and was an evn worse cook,his fingers were much too long.He was to tall to be cricket stump and not tall enough to be a rugby post.He was in fact fairly usless.It was decided to get rid of him to a far off land where smallish lads were appreciated,Alan Lad land,later to become known as Uhmerica.As transport he was allowed to use a mate of his named George Raft.They got on very well together and bonded very well on thier journey to the Promised land.On arrival,they had to pass the Green cross code test.This they did by placing their right arm accross their chest and chanting singing "I'm Dancing in the Rain" Soon after their Arrival in the USA (Uh) foer short.George Raft bcame unravelled and joined Mickey Rooney in the Broadway Musical "whose Arse is nearest to the floor" which made piles of money for the Mcarthyists.Meanwhile Mel,as hoe was now known,met a guy named Danny and straight away they hit it off and were rewarded with parts in a new fangled entertainment called action Movie.Mel and Danny entertained the masses for many years and even got to visit far off places,such as London (vaguely familiar,he thought) and Rome where he saw this funny old man appear at a bay window on a Sunday.(very much like the pied piper of hameln does.only daily).Christ,he thought,i must read up on this,So he bought a Bible and a female Translator,went back to Uhsa and read the Bible sometimes lying on his back. The Old Testament was a bit violent and e discovered that he had not a lot in common with his wife and,after reading it,he never took salt with his Walkers again.The New Testament was something else all together.He quickly formed an affinity with Matthew and Mark and they introduced to Luke who said that he wanted be a Jockey.(everybody laughed at that one) soon afterwards he was introduced to John (the thinker) and they all went out together,taxing and fishing and making people better and defending the poor and down trodden,until,one day they met this gu called Colin (later to be known as Jesus) Colin had this vision where all the people on Earth would follow him to the proirmised land.Colin con-vinced Matthew,Mark,Luke and John and another guy called Simon, there were seven others whose names have forgot,except one,whose name was Jude,i think.Any way all these recruits wandered all over Christenedom(as they iked to call it) looking for converts to Colins System.They told everyone how they could not lose and that they should go to on Colns meetings and No it was not the sam as AMWAY and anyway their was now way that anyone could go direct in a month anyway.
Matthew and his recruits,now promoted to unpaid disciples were so sucessful that Colin began to attract the attention of the Roman Overseers who secretly made a LOM with the puppet Government of the area.
There were now spies at all of Colins meetings,all trying to fathom out how colin managed to engender the many thousands followers hat e now had.It came to pass that,in the mddle of the third Month,Colin arranged a meeting at Stow on the Mount,down by the river and promised that he would show his followers something that would convert them for ever to his cause.
They came from all over to witness this great happening,even from the North and South of the Island.
As a aperitif Colin c,Hisaught five tiddlers and bought two Brötchen from the local bakers and fed the,4999,Jude was busy helping the police in their enquiries.
The main course was Colns vision of Golden Miller winning the Gold Cup 5 times and ended with Noel of life with Brian fame.winning a race in stow on the wold in the 21st century.
After this,Colin bade the multitude farwell and retires with his disciples to the Rake and Pyckle where they had booked upstairs for a pee up and a meat anf prato pie,followed by a magician turning water ino wine.Halfway through the meal Colin said JESUS,i've just had a premonition,that little bar steward Jude has just drpped me innit and thats why he ain't bothered to turn up tonight.All the disciples thought it was quite clever of Colin to cange his name to Jesus,but thought that he would still be recognised by the 5ft beard that he had and they all buggered off,all except Mel,who asked Colin what he should do (he did not want to drop Colin in it ,so to speak) Colin said,Look Mel,i will ive youmy system if you will make a film of what these people do to me and show it to the World when the apropriate time arrives.Sure i will said Mel,but how will i know when the time is ripe he asked.Simple said,There wll be no beating about the Bush from me.The time will come when a new Saviour arrives.His name is Bin Liner and he will have my beard.Now go,i hear the patter of tiny footstepsinthesand.
So off Mel did go and the time came to pass that Bin Liner appeared and gave an unmistable sign to Mel who got to Colins work and the film was made.
Bathing in the aftermath of Colins word,Mel was at a loss and wandered the world bored out of his mind,until one mornin,in Palma he read in the local Gazetta that the pontif was doing a Tommy Cooper and cried JESUS! thanks Colin i knew you would'nt let me down.................
The pair of Monkeys vetoed all other suggestions on the grounds that they were cleverer than all the humanoids.They cited the many cases of short fingardness.
After many,many years of fruitless chasing of Ostriches and Kangeroos it was decided to befriend the natives and so yvonne was dscovered and so where the delights of baby making.Out of one clandesine relationship a small urchin was born.It was soon discovered that he was usless at hitting crickets with a lump of wood and was an evn worse cook,his fingers were much too long.He was to tall to be cricket stump and not tall enough to be a rugby post.He was in fact fairly usless.It was decided to get rid of him to a far off land where smallish lads were appreciated,Alan Lad land,later to become known as Uhmerica.As transport he was allowed to use a mate of his named George Raft.They got on very well together and bonded very well on thier journey to the Promised land.On arrival,they had to pass the Green cross code test.This they did by placing their right arm accross their chest and chanting singing "I'm Dancing in the Rain" Soon after their Arrival in the USA (Uh) foer short.George Raft bcame unravelled and joined Mickey Rooney in the Broadway Musical "whose Arse is nearest to the floor" which made piles of money for the Mcarthyists.Meanwhile Mel,as hoe was now known,met a guy named Danny and straight away they hit it off and were rewarded with parts in a new fangled entertainment called action Movie.Mel and Danny entertained the masses for many years and even got to visit far off places,such as London (vaguely familiar,he thought) and Rome where he saw this funny old man appear at a bay window on a Sunday.(very much like the pied piper of hameln does.only daily).Christ,he thought,i must read up on this,So he bought a Bible and a female Translator,went back to Uhsa and read the Bible sometimes lying on his back. The Old Testament was a bit violent and e discovered that he had not a lot in common with his wife and,after reading it,he never took salt with his Walkers again.The New Testament was something else all together.He quickly formed an affinity with Matthew and Mark and they introduced to Luke who said that he wanted be a Jockey.(everybody laughed at that one) soon afterwards he was introduced to John (the thinker) and they all went out together,taxing and fishing and making people better and defending the poor and down trodden,until,one day they met this gu called Colin (later to be known as Jesus) Colin had this vision where all the people on Earth would follow him to the proirmised land.Colin con-vinced Matthew,Mark,Luke and John and another guy called Simon, there were seven others whose names have forgot,except one,whose name was Jude,i think.Any way all these recruits wandered all over Christenedom(as they iked to call it) looking for converts to Colins System.They told everyone how they could not lose and that they should go to on Colns meetings and No it was not the sam as AMWAY and anyway their was now way that anyone could go direct in a month anyway.
Matthew and his recruits,now promoted to unpaid disciples were so sucessful that Colin began to attract the attention of the Roman Overseers who secretly made a LOM with the puppet Government of the area.
There were now spies at all of Colins meetings,all trying to fathom out how colin managed to engender the many thousands followers hat e now had.It came to pass that,in the mddle of the third Month,Colin arranged a meeting at Stow on the Mount,down by the river and promised that he would show his followers something that would convert them for ever to his cause.
They came from all over to witness this great happening,even from the North and South of the Island.
As a aperitif Colin c,Hisaught five tiddlers and bought two Brötchen from the local bakers and fed the,4999,Jude was busy helping the police in their enquiries.
The main course was Colns vision of Golden Miller winning the Gold Cup 5 times and ended with Noel of life with Brian fame.winning a race in stow on the wold in the 21st century.
After this,Colin bade the multitude farwell and retires with his disciples to the Rake and Pyckle where they had booked upstairs for a pee up and a meat anf prato pie,followed by a magician turning water ino wine.Halfway through the meal Colin said JESUS,i've just had a premonition,that little bar steward Jude has just drpped me innit and thats why he ain't bothered to turn up tonight.All the disciples thought it was quite clever of Colin to cange his name to Jesus,but thought that he would still be recognised by the 5ft beard that he had and they all buggered off,all except Mel,who asked Colin what he should do (he did not want to drop Colin in it ,so to speak) Colin said,Look Mel,i will ive youmy system if you will make a film of what these people do to me and show it to the World when the apropriate time arrives.Sure i will said Mel,but how will i know when the time is ripe he asked.Simple said,There wll be no beating about the Bush from me.The time will come when a new Saviour arrives.His name is Bin Liner and he will have my beard.Now go,i hear the patter of tiny footstepsinthesand.
So off Mel did go and the time came to pass that Bin Liner appeared and gave an unmistable sign to Mel who got to Colins work and the film was made.
Bathing in the aftermath of Colins word,Mel was at a loss and wandered the world bored out of his mind,until one mornin,in Palma he read in the local Gazetta that the pontif was doing a Tommy Cooper and cried JESUS! thanks Colin i knew you would'nt let me down.................
D
Derek.Burgess
Guest
Well.
I got dyslexic fingers for a start.
I got dyslexic fingers for a start.