Diamond Geezer
Gone But Not Forgotten
- Joined
- May 2, 2003
- Messages
- 13,884
Staff cuts at the BBC by new Director General Mark 'The Wolfman' Thompson mean that the Corporation's resources are being stretched to breaking point this weekend as they endeavour to cover a Papal funeral, a Royal wedding, the Grand National and the Masters golf. Producers have had to cut costs by combining all four events into one long simulcast, so we head over to the first tee in St. Peter's Square, where David Dimbleby brings us the runners and riders.
Dimbleby: "A reverential hush descends over the congregation, as Tiger Woods, head bowed, addresses the Papal casket with a majestic, yet solemn titanium plated driver. The Archbishop of Westminster, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, drops the incense burner, the starting tape rises and Tiger augustly swings, propelling the Pope's coffin away down aisle, to the tune of "Here comes the Bride" ... and as the Pontiff's Death-Mobile heads towards the Melling Road, we join John Hamner"
"Zzzzzzzzz ..."
Dimbleby: "No, he seems to have died on us. So let's join Nicholas Witchell instead."
Witchell: "And I think I can see Phil Mickelson, wearing the colours of the Augusta National Golf Club, a green jacket and black corduroy slacks. While a couple of lengths behind him, is Prime Minister Tony Blair, looking very fetching in his silks in the colours of his owners George W. Bush and Rupert Murdoch. I've just heard the cry of "That bloody awful man! I can't stand him!" - the Bride Groom is clearly here and I'd better make myself scarce, so as they head for the last fence before Beecher's, it's over to Peter Alliss"
Alliss: "Oh deary me. Well he appears to be about two feet away from the fence, and he's not sure whether to go with his Mashie Niblick or his Jigger. Prince Charles's caddie, the Duke of York, is eyeing up Mrs. Parker-Bowles with his Rutting Iron. Anyway, Charlie's made his mind up, and well I never, He's shanked her over Beecher's Brook and into the rough by the Water Jump. He'll have trouble finding Camilla in there. Prod me sideways with a cassock, there's a family of corncrakes ...
... rambles on interminably for a circuit and a half ...
Alliss: ... and of course, we hope that Pope John Paul the Second, who I believe used to be a member at Wentworth, recovers from his slight chill very soon. Looks like my stint in the ole commentary saddle is over, so I'm off for gallon of sherry, as we join Jim Mcgrath
McGrath: "As they approach the elbow, it's Papal Casket well out in front, with Royal Brood Mare in second, closely followed by Green Jacket. Bringing up the rear is Party Politics, but clearly no-one is interested in that, in fact it's been pulled up. Heading for the final furlong, we've got a new contender. Yes, it's Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Take-Away, storming through the field to take the National by a country mile, as everything else has bored people to tears
Dimbleby: "A reverential hush descends over the congregation, as Tiger Woods, head bowed, addresses the Papal casket with a majestic, yet solemn titanium plated driver. The Archbishop of Westminster, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, drops the incense burner, the starting tape rises and Tiger augustly swings, propelling the Pope's coffin away down aisle, to the tune of "Here comes the Bride" ... and as the Pontiff's Death-Mobile heads towards the Melling Road, we join John Hamner"
"Zzzzzzzzz ..."
Dimbleby: "No, he seems to have died on us. So let's join Nicholas Witchell instead."
Witchell: "And I think I can see Phil Mickelson, wearing the colours of the Augusta National Golf Club, a green jacket and black corduroy slacks. While a couple of lengths behind him, is Prime Minister Tony Blair, looking very fetching in his silks in the colours of his owners George W. Bush and Rupert Murdoch. I've just heard the cry of "That bloody awful man! I can't stand him!" - the Bride Groom is clearly here and I'd better make myself scarce, so as they head for the last fence before Beecher's, it's over to Peter Alliss"
Alliss: "Oh deary me. Well he appears to be about two feet away from the fence, and he's not sure whether to go with his Mashie Niblick or his Jigger. Prince Charles's caddie, the Duke of York, is eyeing up Mrs. Parker-Bowles with his Rutting Iron. Anyway, Charlie's made his mind up, and well I never, He's shanked her over Beecher's Brook and into the rough by the Water Jump. He'll have trouble finding Camilla in there. Prod me sideways with a cassock, there's a family of corncrakes ...
... rambles on interminably for a circuit and a half ...
Alliss: ... and of course, we hope that Pope John Paul the Second, who I believe used to be a member at Wentworth, recovers from his slight chill very soon. Looks like my stint in the ole commentary saddle is over, so I'm off for gallon of sherry, as we join Jim Mcgrath
McGrath: "As they approach the elbow, it's Papal Casket well out in front, with Royal Brood Mare in second, closely followed by Green Jacket. Bringing up the rear is Party Politics, but clearly no-one is interested in that, in fact it's been pulled up. Heading for the final furlong, we've got a new contender. Yes, it's Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Take-Away, storming through the field to take the National by a country mile, as everything else has bored people to tears
