Tony Banks RIP

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Some of his wit collected by the BBC

A man who spoke his mind - RIP

The wit and wisdom of Tony Banks

Tony Banks will be remembered for his hilarious insults


Tony Banks' career
In stark contrast to the generally turgid language of politics, Tony Banks was known for his acid tongue and sharp wit.
He called the once feared Tory Prime Minister, Baroness Thatcher, "half mad", William Hague was labelled a "foetus" and even the human race was lambasted by the politician's withering fury.

The ex-MP's wit was often more reminiscent of a stand-up comic than a politician, cutting foes and friends down to size with a swashbuckling use

of language which was both hilarious and headline grabbing.

'Foetus'

During the 1997 Labour Party conference he sparked controversy by describing then-Tory leader William Hague as a "foetus".

He later insisted, that Hague had "got the joke" and they were friends.

Meanwhile, another Tory MP, Terry Dicks, was dismissed as "living proof that a pig's bladder on the end of a stick can be elected to Parliament".

The former sports minister, who became Lord Stratford last year, showed reputations did not intimidate him when he accused Lady Thatcher of having "the sensitivity of a sex-starved boa-constrictor" during a Commons debate.

He added to that by calling the former Prime Minister a "half mad old bag lady" on another occasion.

Former Chancellor Kenneth Clarke was "a pot-bellied old soak" while another former Prime Minister John Major was "so unpopular, if he became a funeral director people would stop dying".

Meanwhile, the Liberal Democrats were "woolly-hatted, muesli-eating, Tory lick-spittles".


William Hague saw the funny side of Banks's 'foetus' jibe

Lord Stratford often used Early Day Motions in parliament to tirade against the world's wider ills.

Pigeons

After it emerged that during World War II MI5 had proposed using pigeons as flying bombs, the keen animal rights activist tabled a motion condemning human beings as "obscene, perverted, cruel, uncivilised and lethal".

It also "looked forward to the day when the inevitable asteroid slams into the Earth and wipes them out, thus giving nature the opportunity to start again".

He also called for the banning of turtle soup and frogs legs from Westminster menus, while his denunciation of the Canadians as "dickheads" for culling seals threatened to cause a diplomatic rift.

Ever the innovator, Lord Stratford suggested installing Durex machines in Westminster so that the Tories would have fewer illegitimate children.

After a kiss-and-tell story appeared detailing how his close friend and fellow Chelsea fan David Mellor wore football kit during sex, he said: "Since the great days of Jimmy Greaves, it's the only time anyone's managed to score five times in a Chelsea shirt."

On retiring from the Commons last year, Lord Stratford said he was stepping down because dealing with constituents' problems was "intellectually numbing, and tedious in the extreme".
 
:lol: There was something very Peter Panish about him, he might have been outrageous at times (many times), but he could hardly be accused of being dull, routine, or toadying. Compared to the more riotous events in Parliament in eons past, it's good that it had the impassioned wild man to counterbalance the droning suits. RIP, Tony, gone too soon, and sadly missed in the sporting world.
 
Unfortunately, the seeing-eye dog pressed the wrong button, Brian, and Mr Blunkett was simply served with a packet of Kleenex.
 
One story missed from the BBC piece above occurred around the time when Cecil Parkinson, Mrs Thatcher's Secretary of State for Trade and Industry, had been involved in an affair with his secretary, Sarah Keays, and fathered an illegitimate child with her.

The House was debating organ transplants and Banks stood up and asked "May I put in a bid for Cecil's plonker - one careful owner."

Never one for political correctness, our Tone.
 
:lol: Thank God! With all the weasel wording of statements today, and the careful non-answering of questions, it'd be good to have a few more of his ilk cutting through the bulldust.
 
The following are from "The Wit & Wisdom of Tony Banks", edited by Iain Dale and published by Robson Books. You'll find some gems that have already been posted, but they're probably worth repeating, and there are lots more.

On Peter Mandelson

It's not fair to kick a man when he's down, but it's safer isn't it?
(On Mandelson's failure to get elected to Labour's NEC, October 1997)

Peter Mandelson is a sweet guy, you know. But I eat lots of garlic and I sleep with garlic flowers round my neck. So I'm safe ... for the moment.
(The Guardian, May 1998)

On Margaret Thatcher

She exterminates opposition within her own party as rapidly as she seeks to exterminate it from the Labour party.
(Hansard May 1984)

She behaves with all the sensitivity of a sex-starved boa constrictor.
(The Independent, October 1997)
I'm not really malicious. I have a list of people I loathe but it runs out once you've said Mrs Thatcher.
(The Guardian, May 1988)

On John Major

He was a fairly competent chairman of Housing [on Lambeth Council]. Every time he gets up now I keep thinking, "What on earth is Councillor Major doing?" I can't believe he's here and sometimes I think he can't either.
(Independent on Sunday, April 1994)

Throughout the year he stood like the boy on the burning deck of the Titanic, with his finger in the dyke, an apple on his head and his foot in his mouth.
(Awarding John Major Survivor of the Year, the Guardian, December 1996)

On Tories

When he leaves the chamber, he probably goes to vandalise a few paintings somewhere. He is to the arts what Vlad the Impaler was to origami ... He is undoubtedly living proof that a pig's bladder on a stick can be elected as a Member of Parliament.
(On Terry Dicks MP)

He manages to put the camp back into camp-anology.
(On Michael Fabricant MP)

You could have an exhibition inside your own underpants.
(To Nicholas Soames MP)

The amiable Crawley food mountain [Nicholas Soames] clearly likes his grub. At the dispatch box he could probably persuade MPs that arsenic is quite palatable if suitable chilled.
(Hansard, April 1993)

To make things worse, the Tories have elected a foetus as leader. I bet a lot of them wish they had not voted against abortion now.
(On William Hague, September 1997)

In his usual arrogant and high-handed fashion, he dons his Thatcherite jackboots and stamps all over local opinion. He is like Hitler with a beer belly.
(On Kenneth Clarke MP)

The acceptable face of Tory extremism.
(On Sir George Young, Hansard, February 1984)

The government's most prolific bullshitter.
(On Steve Norris MP)

Scarcely capable of walking and chewing gum at the same time.
(On Lady Olga Maitland, Hansard January 1994)

Tarzan and the chimp.
(On Michael Heseltine and John Major, October 1992)

He has not actually practised sycophancy, because he is a natural sycophant.
(On Tory MP Nicholas Bennett)

At one point Portillo was polishing his jackboots and planning the next advance. And the next thing is he shows up as a TV presenter. It is rather like Pol Pot presenting the Teletubbies.
(Tribune Rally, September 1997)

May I put in a bid for Cecil's plonker? One careful owner.
(During a debate on organ transplants, February 1989, referring to Cecil Parkinson)

On Liberal Democrats

Woolly-hatted, muesli-eating, Tory lick-spittles.

It is very foolish to criticise Paddy [Ashdown] because he can kill with his bare hands.
(Daily Telegraph, May 1997)

Bringing the leadership to its knees occasionally is a good way of keeping it on its toes.
(Hansard, January 1996)

Chelsea, Sir Cliff and OfGod

My mind is open and so is my mouth - as you've probably gathered. Hopefully I can synchronise them.
(Daily Telegraph, May 1997)

More likely to be out nicking TVs than watching them.
(On children in his constituency. Quoted in Private Eye, February 1990)

Britain is heading pell-mell towards the status of a banana republic, but without the benefit of bananas.

It's getting quite fashionable to shag an MP these days.
(New Statesman, February 1994)

I don't have a monstrous ego. I really don't. I have no ego at all. I find publicity unnerving because I don't regard myself as a politician - and neither do most of my colleagues.
(Total Football, August 1997)

No one can describe me as a brown-noser.
(The Guardian, May 1998)

If animals could vote, I am quite sure I would have become prime minister by now.
(Hansard, November 1996)

I am a former piscatorial participant. I do not wish to sound immodest, but I was known in my day as a piscatorial artist - one of the finest.
(Hansard, June 1997 on his fishing career)

There will be glitches in my transition from being a saloon bar sage to a world statesman.
(June 1997)

Nothing concentrates the minds of politicians more than impending political death.
(Hansard, June 1995)

I would rather die than go to Arsenal.
(Hansard, May 1994)

I just paid £1,250 for next season's ticket at Stamford Bridge. £1,250, yes sir! ... it is a drug and I cannot do anything about it.
(Hansard, May 1998)

Sir Clifford Richard is a national institution if ever there was one. I am sure that Sir Clifford will qualify for listed status fairly shortly.
(Hansard, July 1997)

If my honourable friend wants a spliff I will no doubt be able to supply him with one, but it will not be one that I have rolled myself.
(To Labour MP Nigel Spearing during a debate on drug misuse, June 1995)

Perhaps the best idea would be to privatise the Church of England, to get in a regulator - OfGod or something like that - and a few consultants, and then start marketing the Lord who is suitable to the 21st century.
(On how to increase church congregations, Hansard, December 1995)

I find that through humour one can actually make some very effective political points but I would not like to be regarded as the Ben Elton of politics. What is important is that people laugh with me, not at me. As long as they are laughing with you, then you are making your point well.
(Financial Times, July 1991)

My epitaph will be: 'He was a Complete Tosser' ... I find my life embarrassing.
(Daily Telegraph, August 1997)

I would take much pleasure in knowing that there are still bits of me circulating when I have gone to the upper chamber in the sky. Indeed, if bits of me were left for others to use, some unkind people might suggest that was the only decent thing I left to the world.
(During a debate on organ transplants, February 1984)
 
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