You Couldn't Make It Up

Diamond Geezer

Diamond Geezer

Gone But Not Forgotten
Joined
May 2, 2003
Messages
13,884
One of our daughters told me this morning about the father of one of her husband's friends who went into the local supermarket cafe and bought a cup of coffee and a Kit Kat. Most of the seats were taken so he had no option but to sit at a table for two opposite an old man who was reading a newspaper.

He had barely sat down before the old man reached across, broke open the Kit Kat and popped a bit in his mouth. He thought it funny but took a piece for himself and while he was eating it the old man reached over and took another piece.

Fed up with this, the father of my son in law's friend swallowed down his coffee, stood up, reached over and took a doughnut off the old man's plate and took a bloody big bite out of it. He then shouted at the old man "There you go ,how do you like it" and stormed out.

Out in the car park, he walks towards his car, puts his hand in his coat for his car keys

and pulls out HIS Kit Kat which he had absent mindedly put in his pocket

:D :D :D
 
There was a case in a hospital's Intensive Care (in a South African
Clinic!) ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses,prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.
 
One night when I was living in Bordeaux, I invited a few acquaintances round for a drink. Two of them brought along a couple of Danish guys, working locally as grapepickers, they had befriended, and the Danes brought with them plentiful supplies of the local produce.

There was much more drinking done than I had anticipated and the evening was very merry and fizzled out as one by one we conked out here and there around the flat.

Next morning, however, the place was a stinking mess. Red vomit everywhere, the toilet, bidet, washbasin and shower tray all blocked full. I was raging. I had a go at the Danes for not being able to hold their alcohol, then another one at my friends for having brought along such irresponsible youngsters (I was 21, they were 19/20) and I packed them all off grumpily and set about cleaning the place up.

Needless to say, about a fortnight later, after a few glasses of wine, the details of the events of that night started coming back to me.

The vague memory of trying to get up to get to the bog in time, grabbing the handle of the table drawer for support and the drawer coming out leaving me to fall backwards. The subsequent unsuccessful attempts to reach my goal and the stumbling, fumbling efforts to mop up my mess with toilet paper and kitchen roll.

Yes, I was the one who had made the mess.

(Still, it wouldn't have happened if the Danes hadn't been there - they were the ones who brought all the extra stuff.)
 
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and the CEO means business!

He walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a
week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies,"I make
£200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy £400 in cash and screams, "Here's two
weeks'
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the
room
and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "That's the
pizza
delivery guy from Domino's.
 
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