Jokes

Merlin the Magician

Merlin the Magician

At the Start
Joined
May 2, 2003
Messages
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Location
SOUTH WALES
How to make a woman HAPPY ? It's really not difficult at all...
To make a woman happy!! a man only needs to be :


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes.

***************************************************************

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Make love to him on a regular basis at least once a week? starting Friday and ending the following Thursday........
2. Leave him in peace to enjoy his horseracing........
3. Feed him well……………….

Definitely a WOMANS World......................... :p :p
 
A Mutts whatabout one of these harems!! then....... surely that's multi tasking (for want of a better word :D ) keeping 2 dozen women happy ..... :p :D

p.s. I would struggle with two.................... :D
 
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St.

Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge newspaper, "The

Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the

pictures of these 100 year old twins.



One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her

twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.



"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.



Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" So they

wiggled up close to each other.



"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus," said the photographer.



YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"



With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "Me first!"
 
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, also a blonde.

The policewoman asked to see the blonde's driver's licence. The driver searched frantically through her handbag muttering "I'm sure I've got one...it's one of the new EU ones..." and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it
to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were in the police force."
 
Heard a reference to this old one on the radio today - worth resurrecting:

Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?

Pupil: When my dad saw the painter painting the house with an artist's brush he said, "It'll take the contagious."
 
A piece of string walks into a bar and the barman says they don't serve pieces of string

The piece of string replies that he isn't.

"Really" said the barman?

"No, I'm afraid not."
 
It's the middle of January, freezing cold outside and two gentleman are seated in the lounge of their club

The first gentleman gets up and opens the window

The second gentleman: "Excuse me, but it's freezing out there. Would you mind closing the window?"

The first gentleman: "But I'm a country member"

The second gentleman: " No I don't remember, now close the fecking window!"
 
Originally posted by graham@Feb 26 2005, 08:03 PM
"But I'm a country member"
Click to expand...
:D :D

Seem to remember Luke Harvey riding a horse called Country Member and a commentator who shall be nameless who said "And here's Country Member, and I don't mean the horse"
 
Not for PRUDES as we have a few on here so be warned. :eek: :eek:

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
 
Can we have all jokes on this thread please . All the numerous threads are taking up too much space .
 
Joe that's correct mate one of many!!! I!! HAVE wrote mate not copied and pasted either as someone on here supposes.......... :D :rolleyes: GLAD SOMEONE LIKES MY PENNINGS!!!........... :rolleyes:

Oh without being egoistic either have had a few things published on BBC too............... not copied and pasted either or any touch of Plagiarism either :rolleyes: really amazing one would have thought hey!!!! :rolleyes:
 
A Scottish couple are taking a weekend winter break in the Highlands.

After a cold night they go downstairs for breakfast. There's a roaring log fire in the dining room for which the husband immediately makes a bee-line while the wife surveys the the hot breakfast buffet.

The husband is standing with his back to the fire while the wife checks out what's under the silver dish covers. Lifting one up and seeing lots of delicious-looking rashers on the salver, she says to her husband, "That looks like your Ayrshire bacon."

The husband replies, "No, ma dear, ah'm jist waarmin' ma hauns."
 
Merlin, are you sure that you actually wrote the "Cobblers to the Queen" joke?

Because I first heard it when I was about six years old.
 
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