BrianH
At the Start
But I thought that you never watched BBC television?
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
PARDON ???????????? I think you have got the wrong person Brian..... I wont watch match of the day or internationals when MOTSON 
commentates or if live will listen to the commentary via radio 5.. but I watch BBC most of the Time.. dont watch any soaps on any channel...and told PDJ the tennis wont be on on my set on Sunday as the game don't appeal to me... but nothing more than that and I only last month renewed my yearly licence....
commentates or if live will listen to the commentary via radio 5.. but I watch BBC most of the Time.. dont watch any soaps on any channel...and told PDJ the tennis wont be on on my set on Sunday as the game don't appeal to me... but nothing more than that and I only last month renewed my yearly licence....
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Cybrandian
Apprentice
- Joined
- May 13, 2003
- Messages
- 59
Clarence has a DVD release scheduled for 31 October.
Ronnie Barker was very attached to this (in his script books he explains that the series pulled together everything he loved about comedy).
It got panned by the press at the time; perhaps an undiscovered comedy classic?
Ronnie Barker was very attached to this (in his script books he explains that the series pulled together everything he loved about comedy).
It got panned by the press at the time; perhaps an undiscovered comedy classic?
BrianH
At the Start
Sorry about that. Funny, could have sworn...
BrianH
At the Start
Rememberb the Swedish Chemist's shop?
(Heavy faux-Swedish accents):
Corbett: Ah wood like to poorchase some dee-o-darant pleese.
Barker: Surrtanly, surr, ball or aerosol?
Corbett: Needer, I want it fur my armpits
(Heavy faux-Swedish accents):
Corbett: Ah wood like to poorchase some dee-o-darant pleese.
Barker: Surrtanly, surr, ball or aerosol?
Corbett: Needer, I want it fur my armpits
K
Kathy
Guest
Another of my favourites! 
Good evening.
And may I say at once, without further ado
How nice it is to speak to each and every one of you.
No matter where you all may be, on land or sea or foam,
Whether climbing up Mount Everest or kicking about at home,
I broadcast to you all tonight on BBC TV
To tell you of the creation of a brand new ministry.
“Here, just a mo',” I hear you cry, “Now what‘s all this about?
A Minister of Poetry? Good God, who let him out?”
It’s Margaret Thatcher’s brainchild, this. Our venerable prime missus
I’ll tell you, if you’ll all pin back your oral orifices.
Last Friday week, I left the House of Commons, just on eight,
The wife was out at bingo, so I knew that she’d be late.
I popped into the local, I was feeling rather frail.
And there stood Maggie Thatcher with her foot upon the rail.
“What are you having, Jack?” she cried, her beady eyes aflame.
“I’ll have a pint of mild,” I said. She said, “I’ll have the same.”
Well, seventeen pints later (God, how that girl can booze!)
We sat on the embankment, and she came out with the news.
“For many years,” she mumbled, as she munched the crisps I’d bought her,
And tidily folding up the bag and chucking it in the water,
“For many years, I’ve longed to see this ancient land of ours
Return to former glories and the pubs to longer hours.
Those grand old days of Shakespeare, when the folks all spoke in rhyme,
And the language wasn’t full of swear words all the bleedin’ time!
How nice it must have been to hear a lilting line that lingers,
When the worker to the foreman gave two verses, not two fingers
If we could recreate the Old World charm of this great nation,
The voters would forget the shrinking pound, ignore inflation,
And you’re the man, dear Jack, who can that promise keep.
Romance is not yet dead!” With that, she burped and fell asleep.
I covered her with newspaper, and left her on the grass
Looking every inch a lady and completely upper class,
In a powder blue ensemble with her hair all freshly done,
And across her chest, another chest from page three of The Sun.
And that is how the ministry was created overnight,
And now it’s up to you, my friends, to see you do it right.
Pray, have no fear, the task is not as hard as it might sound
For inside of every Englishman, good English rhymes abound!
And each of you has, at some time I’m sure, as have we all,
Inscribed a simple stanza on some bygone wash house wall.
So, off you go, and don’t forget, just like the old graffiti,
Keep it short and keep it snappy. Keep it fruity, keep it meaty.
Just think of all the joys you’ll cause, when on a bus you leap,
At dawn, one chilly morning, when the world’s still half asleep
“A single fare to Euston Square,” you’ll warble to the driver.
“The cost to me is 20p” and offer him a fiver.
As he looks for four pounds eighty change, what gay thoughts fill his head
With any luck, he’ll hand you out a fourpenny one instead.
The world can be a better place, if each man does his best
To choose his rhymes to match the times, so get it off your chest.
Beneath the old stiff upper lip, the ancient fire still flickers,
Come fan the flames, and let us get the lead out of our knickers.
Press onward England, do your best, revive our former glories
Let’s raise our beers and give three cheers. Good luck and up the Tories!
Good evening.
And may I say at once, without further ado
How nice it is to speak to each and every one of you.
No matter where you all may be, on land or sea or foam,
Whether climbing up Mount Everest or kicking about at home,
I broadcast to you all tonight on BBC TV
To tell you of the creation of a brand new ministry.
“Here, just a mo',” I hear you cry, “Now what‘s all this about?
A Minister of Poetry? Good God, who let him out?”
It’s Margaret Thatcher’s brainchild, this. Our venerable prime missus
I’ll tell you, if you’ll all pin back your oral orifices.
Last Friday week, I left the House of Commons, just on eight,
The wife was out at bingo, so I knew that she’d be late.
I popped into the local, I was feeling rather frail.
And there stood Maggie Thatcher with her foot upon the rail.
“What are you having, Jack?” she cried, her beady eyes aflame.
“I’ll have a pint of mild,” I said. She said, “I’ll have the same.”
Well, seventeen pints later (God, how that girl can booze!)
We sat on the embankment, and she came out with the news.
“For many years,” she mumbled, as she munched the crisps I’d bought her,
And tidily folding up the bag and chucking it in the water,
“For many years, I’ve longed to see this ancient land of ours
Return to former glories and the pubs to longer hours.
Those grand old days of Shakespeare, when the folks all spoke in rhyme,
And the language wasn’t full of swear words all the bleedin’ time!
How nice it must have been to hear a lilting line that lingers,
When the worker to the foreman gave two verses, not two fingers
If we could recreate the Old World charm of this great nation,
The voters would forget the shrinking pound, ignore inflation,
And you’re the man, dear Jack, who can that promise keep.
Romance is not yet dead!” With that, she burped and fell asleep.
I covered her with newspaper, and left her on the grass
Looking every inch a lady and completely upper class,
In a powder blue ensemble with her hair all freshly done,
And across her chest, another chest from page three of The Sun.
And that is how the ministry was created overnight,
And now it’s up to you, my friends, to see you do it right.
Pray, have no fear, the task is not as hard as it might sound
For inside of every Englishman, good English rhymes abound!
And each of you has, at some time I’m sure, as have we all,
Inscribed a simple stanza on some bygone wash house wall.
So, off you go, and don’t forget, just like the old graffiti,
Keep it short and keep it snappy. Keep it fruity, keep it meaty.
Just think of all the joys you’ll cause, when on a bus you leap,
At dawn, one chilly morning, when the world’s still half asleep
“A single fare to Euston Square,” you’ll warble to the driver.
“The cost to me is 20p” and offer him a fiver.
As he looks for four pounds eighty change, what gay thoughts fill his head
With any luck, he’ll hand you out a fourpenny one instead.
The world can be a better place, if each man does his best
To choose his rhymes to match the times, so get it off your chest.
Beneath the old stiff upper lip, the ancient fire still flickers,
Come fan the flames, and let us get the lead out of our knickers.
Press onward England, do your best, revive our former glories
Let’s raise our beers and give three cheers. Good luck and up the Tories!
Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
That'll be another copy of the sketch Brian already posted on this thread then.....
K
Kathy
Guest
and another one.... Sod, working today!
Good evening.
My name is Jimmy Dimwiddie. Now, I want to talk to you tonight about an important consumer organization called The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee.
Now the purpose of The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee is to protect you from the crafty baddies that are selling goods that are grotty, dirty, dowdy, gaudy or shoddy.
Now let’s take an example. Supposing you go into a pet shop and they try to sell you a mangy corgi or a pudgy budgie or a namby pamby bambi that you think is a ruddy pansy?
Don’t get bally huffy with the shop assistant chappie. Just come along to us, and in a jiffy, if you’re lucky, we’ll thrash out the nitty gritty and clear up the hanky panky. We love the hurly burly of a juicy argie bargie, and we will not shilly shally until all is hunky dory.
And the same applies to buying a house.
We’re the people to complain to if an estate agent tries to sell you a filthy, slummy semi with a nasty sooty chimmney with a topsy turvy study and a gloomy, dingy lobby that’s as nifty and as smelly as a privvy in the navy.
Or a baby in a nappy.
Or a cosi in Bengazi.
Now, a lot of compaints we receive, of course,. are about food in restaurants. The other day a man came in and told us that he’d taken his wife out to dinner in the West End.
And he’d ordered a suki yaki with some really spicy chutney
And a cup of milky coffee and a scrummy chocky bickie.
The hoity toity flunky with some gravy on his dicky
Brought them yucky tutti frutti and it didn’t have a jelly.
Then they found a creepy crawly had committed hari kari
In a sticky roly poly on the mucky sweetie trolly.
And the chili wasn’t beefy and the turkey was all tacky
And plate of ministrone tasted more like cockaleekie.
And his tummy felt quite rummy. For the café was so sleazy,
He contracted beri beri and was feeling mighty queasy.
When he went to spend a penny, he felt such a silly billy,
He couldn’t dilly dally, it just happened willy nilly.
He was looking really pique-y and was feeling really grotty
And he spent all day on Sunday sitting sadly on the potty.
So, he came along to us, The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee
And we told him very plainly why he felt so ruddy shi . . . er, shocky.
So, if you’ve bought a whiskey and it’s made you rather frisky,
Or are just a little cookie that’s looking for some nookie,
Or if you’re feeling dicky and if Dickie takes the mickey
Or if you’re feeling in the pinkie and if Pinkie’s feeling perky
Or if Perky’s feeling rocky and Rocky’s feeling kinky,
Then you’ll all be very lucky if you don’t end up in Chucky.
You can do the Hokey Cokey, it’s jolly hockey sticky
If the wicket is all sticky and the nicky nacky noo!
If the goods are shoddy, there’s no good to anybody
And the only thing to do is Hinky pinky parlez vous!
And if you think that’ll do any good, by golly, you must be pretty silly, ruddy crazy or just jolly sloppy!
Nightie nightie!!!
CLASSIC RONNIE BARKER.... :lol: :lol:
Sod, working today!Good evening.
My name is Jimmy Dimwiddie. Now, I want to talk to you tonight about an important consumer organization called The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee.
Now the purpose of The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee is to protect you from the crafty baddies that are selling goods that are grotty, dirty, dowdy, gaudy or shoddy.
Now let’s take an example. Supposing you go into a pet shop and they try to sell you a mangy corgi or a pudgy budgie or a namby pamby bambi that you think is a ruddy pansy?
Don’t get bally huffy with the shop assistant chappie. Just come along to us, and in a jiffy, if you’re lucky, we’ll thrash out the nitty gritty and clear up the hanky panky. We love the hurly burly of a juicy argie bargie, and we will not shilly shally until all is hunky dory.
And the same applies to buying a house.
We’re the people to complain to if an estate agent tries to sell you a filthy, slummy semi with a nasty sooty chimmney with a topsy turvy study and a gloomy, dingy lobby that’s as nifty and as smelly as a privvy in the navy.
Or a baby in a nappy.
Or a cosi in Bengazi.
Now, a lot of compaints we receive, of course,. are about food in restaurants. The other day a man came in and told us that he’d taken his wife out to dinner in the West End.
And he’d ordered a suki yaki with some really spicy chutney
And a cup of milky coffee and a scrummy chocky bickie.
The hoity toity flunky with some gravy on his dicky
Brought them yucky tutti frutti and it didn’t have a jelly.
Then they found a creepy crawly had committed hari kari
In a sticky roly poly on the mucky sweetie trolly.
And the chili wasn’t beefy and the turkey was all tacky
And plate of ministrone tasted more like cockaleekie.
And his tummy felt quite rummy. For the café was so sleazy,
He contracted beri beri and was feeling mighty queasy.
When he went to spend a penny, he felt such a silly billy,
He couldn’t dilly dally, it just happened willy nilly.
He was looking really pique-y and was feeling really grotty
And he spent all day on Sunday sitting sadly on the potty.
So, he came along to us, The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee
And we told him very plainly why he felt so ruddy shi . . . er, shocky.
So, if you’ve bought a whiskey and it’s made you rather frisky,
Or are just a little cookie that’s looking for some nookie,
Or if you’re feeling dicky and if Dickie takes the mickey
Or if you’re feeling in the pinkie and if Pinkie’s feeling perky
Or if Perky’s feeling rocky and Rocky’s feeling kinky,
Then you’ll all be very lucky if you don’t end up in Chucky.
You can do the Hokey Cokey, it’s jolly hockey sticky
If the wicket is all sticky and the nicky nacky noo!
If the goods are shoddy, there’s no good to anybody
And the only thing to do is Hinky pinky parlez vous!
And if you think that’ll do any good, by golly, you must be pretty silly, ruddy crazy or just jolly sloppy!
Nightie nightie!!!
CLASSIC RONNIE BARKER.... :lol: :lol:
BrianH
At the Start
My memory must be playing tricks
K
Kathy
Guest
and if you fancy a singalong, this is one of their Plumstead Ladies Male Voice Choir ditties.... (Both Ronnie's dressed up as ladies!)
THIS OLD MAN
ALL:
This old man, he played one
He played knick knack on my drum
Knick knack paddywhack
Give a dog a bone
This old man came rolling home
RC:
Her old man next to you
Needs a damn good talking to
Knick knack paddywhack
Now she’s in the club,
He’s off boozing down the pub
RB:
My old man, he plays hell,
After all the girls as well.
Knick knack paddy whack
Give ‘im half a chance,
He’d lead me a right old dance.
RC:
My old man’s just as bad.
Thinks himself a proper lad
Knick knack paddy whack
Lock ‘im in the loo
That soon cools his how’d you do.
RB:
Her old man, he’s the same
He’s in love with what’s-her-name
Big jaws, droopy drawers,
Standing at the end
Known to all as man’s best friend.
ALL:
This old man, he played nine
He’s as bad as yours or mine
Dick, Jack, Harry, Mac,
Trevor, Doug or Mike
All old men are all alike.
(Both Ronnie's dressed up as ladies!)THIS OLD MAN
ALL:
This old man, he played one
He played knick knack on my drum
Knick knack paddywhack
Give a dog a bone
This old man came rolling home
RC:
Her old man next to you
Needs a damn good talking to
Knick knack paddywhack
Now she’s in the club,
He’s off boozing down the pub
RB:
My old man, he plays hell,
After all the girls as well.
Knick knack paddy whack
Give ‘im half a chance,
He’d lead me a right old dance.
RC:
My old man’s just as bad.
Thinks himself a proper lad
Knick knack paddy whack
Lock ‘im in the loo
That soon cools his how’d you do.
RB:
Her old man, he’s the same
He’s in love with what’s-her-name
Big jaws, droopy drawers,
Standing at the end
Known to all as man’s best friend.
ALL:
This old man, he played nine
He’s as bad as yours or mine
Dick, Jack, Harry, Mac,
Trevor, Doug or Mike
All old men are all alike.
K
Kathy
Guest
and one of the duo's classic news bulletins:- B)
We interrupt this website for a special bulletin:
"The Metropolitan Police today denied that prisoners in their custody are excessively pampered. This follows yesterday's report that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket over his head."
"And we’ve just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M-1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on."
"Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham Palace today, the queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloak room and vacuumed the lounge."
"After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes."
"The perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets. Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on." :lol:
"And we've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned."
And now, back to our regular programme . . .
We interrupt this website for a special bulletin:
"The Metropolitan Police today denied that prisoners in their custody are excessively pampered. This follows yesterday's report that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket over his head."
"And we’ve just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M-1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on."
"Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham Palace today, the queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloak room and vacuumed the lounge."
"After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes."
"The perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets. Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on." :lol:
"And we've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned."
And now, back to our regular programme . . .
K
Kathy
Guest
You can probably see I am a bit of a fan of Mr. Barker's. A bit more about some of his achievements below. (The typo below is not one of mine, before any points it out!)
Ronnie Barker
aka: Gerald Wiley (writing for "The Two Ronnies")
Awarded the OBE (Officer of the Order of the British Empire)
Born: September 25, 1929, Bedford, Bedfordshire, England, UK
Married to Joy Tubb
Father of Charlotte, Larry and Adam
BBC Lifetime Avhievement Award 1988
Author of "It's Hello from Him", "It's Goodnight from Him", "Dancing in the Moonlight: Early Years on the Stage" and "All I Ever Wrote".
He has also published volumes of vintage picture postcards from his own collection in "Ronnie Barker's Book of Boudoir Beauties", "Ronnie Barker's Book of Bathing Beauties", "Pebbles On The Beach: A Tribute To The Seaside Girl", "A Pennyworth of Art", "Gentleman's Relish: A Saucy Look at the Fairer Sex" and "Ooh-La-La: The Ladies Of Paris".
Retired from acting, 1988, to run an antiques business.
FILMOGRAPHY
Kill or Cure (1962)
Father Came Too! (1963) (aka We Want to Live Alone)
Cracksman, The (1963)
Home of Your Own, A (1964)
Bargee, The (1964)
Runaway Railway (1965)
"Frost Report, The" (1966) (with Ronnie Corbett)
Man Outside, The (1967)
"Hark at Barker" (1969)
"Two Ronnies, The" (1971)
"Six Dates with Barker" (1971)
Midsummer Night's Dream, A (1971) (TV movie)
"His Lordship Entertains" (1972)
"Porridge" (1974)
Picnic, The (1975) (TV movie) (With Ronnie Corbett)
Robin and Marian (1976)
"Open All Hours" (1976)
"Going Straight" (1978)
Porridge (1979)
By the Sea (1982) (TV movie) (With Ronnie Corbett)
"Magnificent Evans, The" (1984)
"Clarence" (1988)
Ronnie Barker
aka: Gerald Wiley (writing for "The Two Ronnies")
Awarded the OBE (Officer of the Order of the British Empire)
Born: September 25, 1929, Bedford, Bedfordshire, England, UK
Married to Joy Tubb
Father of Charlotte, Larry and Adam
BBC Lifetime Avhievement Award 1988
Author of "It's Hello from Him", "It's Goodnight from Him", "Dancing in the Moonlight: Early Years on the Stage" and "All I Ever Wrote".
He has also published volumes of vintage picture postcards from his own collection in "Ronnie Barker's Book of Boudoir Beauties", "Ronnie Barker's Book of Bathing Beauties", "Pebbles On The Beach: A Tribute To The Seaside Girl", "A Pennyworth of Art", "Gentleman's Relish: A Saucy Look at the Fairer Sex" and "Ooh-La-La: The Ladies Of Paris".
Retired from acting, 1988, to run an antiques business.
FILMOGRAPHY
Kill or Cure (1962)
Father Came Too! (1963) (aka We Want to Live Alone)
Cracksman, The (1963)
Home of Your Own, A (1964)
Bargee, The (1964)
Runaway Railway (1965)
"Frost Report, The" (1966) (with Ronnie Corbett)
Man Outside, The (1967)
"Hark at Barker" (1969)
"Two Ronnies, The" (1971)
"Six Dates with Barker" (1971)
Midsummer Night's Dream, A (1971) (TV movie)
"His Lordship Entertains" (1972)
"Porridge" (1974)
Picnic, The (1975) (TV movie) (With Ronnie Corbett)
Robin and Marian (1976)
"Open All Hours" (1976)
"Going Straight" (1978)
Porridge (1979)
By the Sea (1982) (TV movie) (With Ronnie Corbett)
"Magnificent Evans, The" (1984)
"Clarence" (1988)