Diamond Geezer
Gone But Not Forgotten
- Joined
- May 2, 2003
- Messages
- 13,884
For my Christmas present my missus (bless) arranged a week of personal training at the local gym for me. Although I am still in reasonable shape since playing football a few years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Donna, who told me she was a 26 year od aerobics instructor and also a part time model.
The missus seemed pleased with my enthusiasm !
On the first morning Donna suggested I keep a diary
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the gym to find Donna waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess, with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit and admit I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout. Very inspiring too, Donna was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Donna made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air.
Then she spoilt it by bloody putting weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full one hundred yards as Donna's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the edge of the bath and moving my mouth back and forth over it. Feels like I have a hernia in both pectorals. Eventually left home and driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked outside the gym but had to get someone to help me out. Donna was impatient with me, insisting that my swearing bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Donna told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other cr*p too.
THURSDAY:
Donna was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Donna took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine.
Which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Donna more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cow.
If there were a part of my body could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Donna wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!
And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don't hand me the effin barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer.
Like Donna.
SATURDAY
Donna left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my hammer. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of Big Brother
SUNDAY:
I'm having a hearse pick me up for Church services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, the missus forgets to buy me a present.
Not that I'm ungrateful or anything.
The missus seemed pleased with my enthusiasm !
On the first morning Donna suggested I keep a diary
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the gym to find Donna waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess, with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit and admit I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout. Very inspiring too, Donna was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Donna made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air.
Then she spoilt it by bloody putting weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full one hundred yards as Donna's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the edge of the bath and moving my mouth back and forth over it. Feels like I have a hernia in both pectorals. Eventually left home and driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked outside the gym but had to get someone to help me out. Donna was impatient with me, insisting that my swearing bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Donna told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other cr*p too.
THURSDAY:
Donna was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Donna took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine.
Which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Donna more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cow.
If there were a part of my body could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Donna wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!
And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don't hand me the effin barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer.
Like Donna.
SATURDAY
Donna left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my hammer. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of Big Brother
SUNDAY:
I'm having a hearse pick me up for Church services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, the missus forgets to buy me a present.
Not that I'm ungrateful or anything.
Keep fat!! its better!!
