BrianH
At the Start
Maureen Lipman writes a weekly column in the Guardian. This is an extract from today's:
My most memorable exchange of the season came courtesy of a cab driver taking me to an interview, and involved him shouting it at me, over his shoulder. It was crafted by a lifetime of throwing nuggets over that same shoulder and it was one of a thousand moments when I wanted my late husband by my side to revel in it with me.
"Funniest trip I ever had to make," said the taxi driver. "Now, you'll like this one . . ."
"So I gets a call on me wireless," he continued, "an' 'e says; 'Ere, I've got one for you.'
"I says, 'Oh, yeah,' and 'e says, 'Yeah, you're gonna like this one, I want you to go to this address, in Kensington, pick up Napoleon's tooth and take it to Swindon for auction.'
"I says, 'You what ?' 'E says, 'You 'eard. Napoleon's tooth. An' I 'ope you're insured 'cos it's worth 8,000 nicker.'
"I says, 'Thass alright then, innit, cos my bloody car's insured for firty farsand.
"Anyways, I picks up this thing an' I slings it in the back seat. Leave it out. I didn't want that little French bleeder sittin' up in the front wi' me - he gave us enough trouble at Waterloo didn't 'e?"
"Well, we did beat him," I managed to say.
"Well yeah, still, I'll tell you somefin'. You gotta 'and it to his dentist, 'aven't you? 'E shoves that tooth to one side, an' e says, 'I'll 'ave that and I'll keep 'old of it till someone invents eBay.'"
He paused for a moment's reflection. "Still, whatever, I'm glad the little git suffered a bit of pain."
When I'd stopped laughing for long enough to recover my powers of speech, I asked, somewhat predictably: "How did they know it was really Napoleon's tooth?"
"Oh, no" he fixed me a baleful "it was 'is. It was verified like it was definitely 'is 'Ampstead!" (Hampstead Heath - rhyming slang for teeth.)
"Anyhow," he continued, revving up for the perfectly honed punchline, "I took it to Swindon and when I gets back to the depot they got a new nickname for me, haven't they? They're only callin' me the bleedin' Tooth Fairy."
I was a very happy woman when I got out of that cab.
My most memorable exchange of the season came courtesy of a cab driver taking me to an interview, and involved him shouting it at me, over his shoulder. It was crafted by a lifetime of throwing nuggets over that same shoulder and it was one of a thousand moments when I wanted my late husband by my side to revel in it with me.
"Funniest trip I ever had to make," said the taxi driver. "Now, you'll like this one . . ."
"So I gets a call on me wireless," he continued, "an' 'e says; 'Ere, I've got one for you.'
"I says, 'Oh, yeah,' and 'e says, 'Yeah, you're gonna like this one, I want you to go to this address, in Kensington, pick up Napoleon's tooth and take it to Swindon for auction.'
"I says, 'You what ?' 'E says, 'You 'eard. Napoleon's tooth. An' I 'ope you're insured 'cos it's worth 8,000 nicker.'
"I says, 'Thass alright then, innit, cos my bloody car's insured for firty farsand.
"Anyways, I picks up this thing an' I slings it in the back seat. Leave it out. I didn't want that little French bleeder sittin' up in the front wi' me - he gave us enough trouble at Waterloo didn't 'e?"
"Well, we did beat him," I managed to say.
"Well yeah, still, I'll tell you somefin'. You gotta 'and it to his dentist, 'aven't you? 'E shoves that tooth to one side, an' e says, 'I'll 'ave that and I'll keep 'old of it till someone invents eBay.'"
He paused for a moment's reflection. "Still, whatever, I'm glad the little git suffered a bit of pain."
When I'd stopped laughing for long enough to recover my powers of speech, I asked, somewhat predictably: "How did they know it was really Napoleon's tooth?"
"Oh, no" he fixed me a baleful "it was 'is. It was verified like it was definitely 'is 'Ampstead!" (Hampstead Heath - rhyming slang for teeth.)
"Anyhow," he continued, revving up for the perfectly honed punchline, "I took it to Swindon and when I gets back to the depot they got a new nickname for me, haven't they? They're only callin' me the bleedin' Tooth Fairy."
I was a very happy woman when I got out of that cab.
