Jokes

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Derek.Burgess

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Two friends chatting.

What would you do if you knew that the world was going to end in three minutes from now?

I would shag everything that moved,his friend replied.What would you do,he asks.

Ah! exclaims the first friend,i think that i would stand perfectly still.






Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain
- and most fools do. -- Dale Carnegie
 
If that is going to be the best of 2005 it is going to be a very thin year for comedy
 
Ardross,
after being privy to your postings for over a year,there is only one thing that i can say about you.

If wit was shit,you would be well and truly constipated.





Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain
- and most fools do. -- Dale Carnegie
 
I fear a barren year for comedy if we are reduced to that. It is not even remotely funny as you can see the "punchline" a mile away.
 
an airliner was in trouble over the atlantic and the pilot issues a warning to the crew to instruct the passengers to prepare for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later the pilot asks the crew if everyone was belted up and prepared
to which one of the crew answered.
Everyone except the lawyers captain and they are still giving out business cards.
 
How can you tell when a lawyer is going to lie ?
His lips begin to move.


What is the difference between a Porsche and a hedgehog ?
The hedgehog have the pricks on the outside
 
I WROTE THIS IN 2004 OLD BUT ......................................

A Welshman enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at a table nearby.... alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.

The Welshman, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over three million in the bank." "But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!!! :D
 
When television variety programmes started in the 1950s the comedians, although delighted to appear on the medium, soon found that it swallowed up material like mad. An act that they had been using for years while touring and performing in theatres was dead and buriied once they had used it in one television appearance.

Similarly, the internet virtually ensures that you very, very rarely hear a new joke, nor have one to tell.
 
True - here's one from GQ that I thought was quite funny

Two Australian blondes were outside in Sydney one evening looking at the stars

BLONDE 1 : Which is further away I wonder London or the moon

BLONDE 2: Hellooo can you see London from here ?
 
Quite was the operative word there Ardross.

A young man went to visit his ailing grandfather in an old peoples home and asked him how he was doing.
Fine said the old man, I have a cup of ovaltine and a viagra every night and sleep like a baby.
The lad thought it odd that his grandfather should be given viagra so asks the nurse who replied.

" the ovaltine sends him to sleep and the viagra stops him from falling out of bed"
 
:lol:

It is true I think my Sir Mark Prescott M15 joke was the first original I have ever told .
 
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expen se for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the behind and said, 'Well babe, is it a blow job or golf?' and she said, "Take a sweater."
 
Heard that one before Jinny but not so crude, nevertheless me and my little lass peed in each others hand when we read it.
 
Hear about the guy who couldn't keep his hands off his fortune-teller wife?

He got his palm red every month.















Hear about the farmer that couldn't keep his hands off his wife?

He sacked them.
 
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