The Top Three Put Downs

Diamond Geezer

Diamond Geezer

Gone But Not Forgotten
Joined
May 2, 2003
Messages
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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."



A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
 
Ronnie Drew, of The Dubliners, used to work as a phone operator in his younger days. One day he was having no luck trying to connect a caller with a number in Boston. "I'm sorry, madam, I'm having no luck at all getting you through, all the transatlantic are busy at the moment. Might I suggest that you try again in an hour or so."

The lady caller was having none of this and insisted that the call was urgent. She had Ronnie try routing the call through London and Paris, each time with the same result. Once again he suggested that his efforts on her behalf were wasting each other's time, and that she would be better off trying again at a quieter time. "Do you realise who I am, young man? Perhaps you weren't aware that I am the wife of the Minister for Posts and Telegraphs (it may have been another Minister, I forget)".

"Indeed I wasn't, ma'am. And do you know who I am?"

"Don't be silly, young man, of course I don't"

"Good", replied Mr Drew and put the phone down.
 
A true Londoner friend of some folks we used to know, when accosted by a man exposing himself to her: "And what am I supposed to do wiv THAT? Pick me bleedin' teeth wiv it?" :shy:
 
We had a young woman student at the college where I used to work who really walked the walk and heads turned everywhere she went.

As she walked past a bunch of teenage apprentice joiners in the corridor one day, one of them boldly called to her, "Haw, hen, ye waan' tae sit oan ma face?"

She retorted instantly, "Why? Is you nose bigger than your d*ck?"
 
:D :D alright S/L I KNOW HE'S A TEACHER BUT........................I.E. class...

here's two very clean ones .....


Traffic on the M25 was barely moving and a tail-back of 3-4 miles built up. Driver frustration was at a high level. Eventually the police took action. A patrol car reached the head of the queue and found a Morris Minor with two elderly ladies inside doing a steady 25 mph in the middle lane. The officers signalled the ladies to pull over into the hard shoulder and stop. Whereupon, they asked the lady driving what did she think she was doing. The passenger lady beside her sat transfixed, staring ahead as if in some catatonic state, clutching the sides of her seat. The driver replied “Well, it’s the M25 isn’t it, so I drive at 25 mph; when we were on the M40 I drove at 40”

“No, no” said the senior officer “It doesn’t mean that. And by the way, what’s wrong with your companion?”

“Oh, take no notice of her” the elderly lady driver replied “She’s been like that ever since we came off the M180”





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Two women worked together in an office. One day one of them said “I’m fed up with this. I’m going to get myself some sick leave like everyone else does. I’m going to make out I’m stressed. This is what I’m going to do” And she tied herself up to the office ceiling light fitting” Soon afterwards the boss called in on his regular morning walk-round and saw his clerk up, hanging from the ceiling. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “Nothing” said the clerk “I’m a lamp bulb”. “Oh, dear” said the boss “ You must be over-stressed. You take yourself off home and have a good rest to recover. We’ll see you again when you feel better”. The clerk came down and left.



The other woman, went to the cupboard and put on her hat and coat. “Where do you think you’re going ?” asked the boss. “I’m not working in the dark” she replied
 
There was a black Boston Red Sox pitcher in the 1970`s called Bill Lee who was famously outspoken.
Boston in the `70s was a racially divided city and when a federal judge ordered school busing in some of these high tension areas Lee said "Judge Garrity`s the only politician in town with any guts."Lee was roundly criticized for this remark by Boston City Councilman Albert "Dapper" O`Neill,who wrote him a scathing letter that concluded that "on my worst day i could still outpitch you."Lee wrote back,"Dear Councillor O`Neill,I think you should be made aware that some idiot has gotten hold of your stationery."
 
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