Jokes

The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it
up the arse".

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
 
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.
Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water
and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you
ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls,
one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy
Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it".
 
The message is clear – Engage brain before opening mouth!

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio:
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1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
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2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
​
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
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4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
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5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
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6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
​
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
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8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
​
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
​
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
​
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
​

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'​
 
Man goes to the doctor and says ''my leg keeps talking to me, what's wrong''?
the doctor puts his Stethoscope to the mans leg and hears the leg say ''lend me £50''
''easy'' the doctor says ''your leg is broke''
 
Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says:"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby....Who shall I say is calling?"
 
Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume & beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both are fatal.:lol:
 
SEXUAL ADVISOR...for seniors

SEXUAL ADVISOR...for seniors


Someone asked me what I do since I have retired.. Do I have a job?
I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, they said, "What do you mean by that?"

"Very simple," I said.

"My wife told me that when she wants my fu**ing advice, she'll ask for it...:lol:
 
An employee went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin, “For best results, put on two coats”.
 
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
 
A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?" The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay. The father says, "Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop." The kid replies, "Yeah, but he's so cute!"
 
A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound.

So he pulls into the first garage he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!"

The mechanic looks at him and says "Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so."

The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! (Penguins just LOVE Ice cream.) So he says "OK I'll be back." He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big bowl of ice cream.

He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says "Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?"

"Well" replies the mechanic "looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says "Oh no, that's just ice cream!"
 





Subject: Fw: Short Funnies

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex
movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions
for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could
spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own
fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong.. I
got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair
last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I
told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you basstard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two
gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex..


 
From now on...... I'll believe in The ProphetMuhammad........

I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time to see what it was allabout.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of Allah the Almighty, and the Prophet Muhammad you will walktoday."
I told him I was not paralyzed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold, my bloody carwas gone!


NORWEGIAN WEDDING

Olaf Swenson, out in hispasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...rightin his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "Howbad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, isstill a virgin -- in every vay.

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to letit heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it ondere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neatlittle 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work ofart.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on theirhoneymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse toreveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're thefirst vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pantsand replied:


"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"
 
Are you insured for sex? Make sure you get the correct Insurance Company to cover you for the type of sex you are having

Please choose from the comprehensive list of companies below, that should cater formost situations………...:lol:



Sex with your wife……………………………….......Legal& General……………
Sex on the telephone…………………………………DirectLine……
Sex with your partner……………………………….StandardLife………
Sex with someone different…………………….GoCompare……..
Sex with a fat bird………………………………......MoreThan,,,,,,,,,,,
Sex on the back seat of acar…………………Sheila’s Wheels………..
Sex with a poshbird………………………………….Privilege…….
Sex with a transvestite…………………………….Confused.com…….
 
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Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness. One afternoon, the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter' :lol:
 
PO TATERS"
Some people never seem motivated to participate,
but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Spec Taters ".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted
at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters"

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what
to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by
asking others to agree with them.
It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They ?are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow
just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be
someone they are not.
They are called "Immy Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they
say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand
They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Po Taters".


If you know any "Sweet Po Taters", send this to them!!

 
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system and de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large black flag of ISIS in its centre.
Now, the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I've never felt safer.

All thanks to Islam.
happyx.gif
 
Puns for the educated, AGAIN!!!....
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates, themost valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said,"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid amillion dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't youknow who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied,"When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."
---------------------
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers.Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, ...andso we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settledown. You'll just have to be a little patient."
---------------------
4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,
and swallow oneinch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said,"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
----------------------
5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted
on complaining to thelocal civic official, who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
(Thinkabout it !)
----------------------
6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant.The first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).
-----------------------
7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistanceof a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fernwere a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye
and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
 
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ALCOHOLIC, CHAIN SMOKER, AND HOMOSEXUAL

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.



The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."



The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.



While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.



The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.



His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.



As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.



point.gif
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
 
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties whilesitting at the bar last night.​
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you looktired.”​
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted.​
My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.​
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day,​
I just don't know what to do."​
A fellow about my age (70+),
sitting a couple of stools down,​
also overheard the conversation.​
He looked over at the two young men and with thewisdom of years says:​
"Marry her.​
That'll put a stop to that
 
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