Jokes

or maybe your memory as gone???

Do you normally question someone’s integrity or is this a moderators thing? :rolleyes

IF I SAY I HAVE WROTE OR DONE SOMETHING........ I can assure you its absolutely the truth and nothing but the truth...... why should I say I have done something if I had not! I am a realist not like some on here.......... :rolleyes:
 
Merlin - I am not in the least interested in the petty arguments that go on within this forum as I have a real life to lead. So when I say that I heard the joke when I was young, I mean just that - I heard the joke when I was young.

It seems that others did too - read the item on this link, I think that it's the eighth one down:
Notes & Queries
 
yes I have a life outside of here also but seems some have not.........



Brian thats something similar but mine is and was written by ME nobody else helped or assisted..

why would I say such a thing I have no axe to grind as such!! I never put a copyright on it either......

I have has stated written quite a few stories and jokes but I am not on here to be egoistic or looking for praise JOE posted it, (I think I put it on here back last year but there is also a copy on TRF)... its a plain fact of life and I again rehiterate my phrases I WROTE THE ABOVE WORD FOR WORD I can't be no more sincere than that can I, why would I do such a thing as to want to lie?? its beyond comprehension.......................

I wrote a piece on LESTER PIGGOT called The LIVING LEDGEND!!! too but see its been part stolen by another when I was surfing the other day again I failed to put a copyright on it......

I have submitted quite a few jokes funny stories to the Readers Digest but never got any printed/published I was going to write/compile my own softback book on funny stories/jokes actual facts that have happened while in a job of work or just socialising .......that joke above is mine I can assure you of that,word for word!!! and as stated why should I say it and expect to be ridiculed.... no mate I think that you owe me an apology in this case..............
 
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along on his horse,with a dog and a sheep following him and he began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian:( Look of shock )
Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian:( Look of disbelief )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good."
Indian:( Extreme look of shock )
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian:( Complete look of utter amazement )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
 
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started ringing.
 
Oh, the old 'cobblers to the Queen' joke - I heard that first from my Mother when I was in my teens, except it was set slightly differently, and the punchline was 'and balls to the Pope'. Le plus ca change an' all...

Betsmate - lovely joke! :D
 
Steve, I get the impression you are awaiting applause but you have a word in your opening line which you intended to be FAMILIAR but your spelling is in fact more apt.
 
... and I think you'll find 'has' is meant to be 'as' and 'wavered' is misused instead of 'waived' and... oh, did I tell you about this really funny joke? It's one I made up myself, yes, all by myself, about a Muslim shoe maker (they're called cobblers, y'know)...
 
No it is still an unfunny racist joke whether Merlin thought it up or just thought he did .
 
It probably appealed to people half a century ago, Ardross, when one could still find the term 'nigger brown' applied to the colour spectrum, without the sense of any disrespect. It's actually a joke against whichever religion is used, rather than a race, which is why I took the mickey out of it.

Hopefully, most of us have outgrown jokes poking fun at other people's religions (the one about pretending to be God and having anal sex with someone supposed to be a nun would be considered blasphemous to many Christians, although perhaps just distasteful and infantile would sum it up), just as we should've outgrown thinking that disabilities are hilarious. I'm not surprised that the Reader's Digest has failed to take up Merlin's offers of 'humour'.
 
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
 
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be £50." "£50?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "£200," the bartender replied. "£200?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
 
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b* (git)! You've been playing golf!".
 
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