A Poem

My @rse is like a red red rose
That's newly sprung in June
But that's because I swallowed some coins
And shat oot hauf a croon.
 
DO --- :lol: :lol:

My arse has been weighed
At around half a ton,
When I bend over
There's an eclipse of the Sun. B)
 
I’ve had a go, in the spirit of this uplifting enterprise:

FIVE years have past; five summers, with the length
Of five long winters! and again I hear
These waters, rolling from their mountain-springs
With a soft inland murmur. – Once again
Do I behold these steep and lofty cliffs,
That on a wild secluded scene impress
Thoughts of more deep seclusion; and connect
The landscape with the quiet of the sky.
The day is come when I again repose
Here, under this dark sycamore, and view
These plots of cottage-ground, these orchard-tufts,
Which at this season, with their unripe fruits,
Are clad in one green hue, and lose themselves
'Mid groves and copses. Once again I see
These hedge-rows, hardly hedge-rows, little lines
Of sportive wood run wild: these pastoral farms,
Green to the very door; and wreaths of smoke
Sent up, in silence, from among the trees!
With some uncertain notice, as might seem
Of vagrant dwellers in the houseless woods,
Or of some Hermit's cave, where by his fire
The Hermit sits alone ON HIS FAT LAZY ARSE.

…I hope this is what we’re striving for here?
 
Originally posted by krizon@Nov 29 2006, 07:57 PM

My arse has been weighed
At around half a ton,
When I bend over
There's an eclipse of the Sun. B)
Click to expand...

I'm very conscious of my @rse
I reckon it would block horizons
It's twice the size of An Capall's
But half the size of Krizon's

;)
 
The Daily Record reports :

Angry Brighton woman on train to Scotland spotted with cosh
 
A Brighton woman sped up north
A-cursin' and a-gruntin'
To find that @rsehole Dessie O
And kick his f*ckin head in.
 
The moon was a ghostly galleon,
Tossed upon stormy seas,
When Old Krizon came a-ridin',
Up to the far Hebrides.

She knocked at his bothy at midnight,
She yelled, "Come out and fight like a man!
I'll sit on your face, you rapscallion,
'Til it's flat like your Ma's frying pan!"

He quaked in his socks in the moonlight,
He fell to his knees in deep awe,
Confronted with two tons of wummun,
He sprawled praying onto his floor.

"Forgive me, Krizon, I beseech you -
Show a mere man your mercy and grace -
Do whatever you will, woman, do it,
But don't sit - NO! - on my face!"

But she sat on his features so cruelly,
She heaved herself down on his nose,
He was briefly a wee bit unruly,
But soon quieted to merely a doze.

"That's him sorted," she said, as she left him
Asleep, as it were, but so weak,
"I may have smothered the wee chap in error,
But at least there's an end to his cheek."

(With apologies to Alfred Noyes for plagiarizing 'The Highwayman'.) :ph34r:
 
:lol: :lol:



A week on the sauce in Mallorca and no jewel in the firmament of English literature is safe.
 
We had it drilled into us relentlessly at school as a 'fine example of the rhythm of a poem mimicking the actions described'. That was before 'they f*ck you up, your Mum and Dad... ' :D
 
I was sat there just minding my business
Watching telly and sipping a can
When I heard this almighty big stooshie
From a woman who looked like a man.

“Come out here, ye cheeky wee sh*tebag
I’ll teach ye to make fun o’ me!”
But no way was I venturing outside
I already was starting to wee.

“I’m sorry, Big Girl, I’m dead sorry!”
Said I through the hole in the door.
And I don’t mean the one for the postie,
It’s the one she put there with her paw.

“I’ll gie ye sorry, ya b@start!
I’ll gie ye reason tae greet!
I’ll jump on face fae a great height
But I’ll no land on ma feet!”

“I’ll flatten yer face wi’ ma huge airse
I’ll huv ye shitin’ ma dentures
I’ll see that ye never have children
I’ll see ye’ll have nae lusty ventures.”

I love it when wimmen talk nasty
I get high on the prospect of danger
But a fart in the gob from aul’ Krizon’s
What you might call an attitude-changer.

Would I survive a sit on the face
Fae Krizon? A jist cannae say
I’d rather it came from another
Like maybe let’s say Jinny-j?
 
Back
Top