I'm very sad to hear that you have been feeling suicidal - I struggled for years with this until I managed to get put on the right meds.
My sister killed herself back in 2013 - so I know just how pointless it is. I made her watch It's a wonderful life the Christmas before she died and she had seemed to take the message at the time but it obviously didn't stick for a long term.
There is stuff to live for even if it doesn't seem so at times.
I am sorry for your loss Simmo. I've always struggled to be honest, even when things were good. I've never found meds work, neither has talking to professionals. I don't know why, often I just feel, a dark room and a good cry can sort out the mind. I don't doubt there are reasons to live, and people are right when they say you shouldn't look back, but when the past is what holds you back, it becomes difficult.