Forumball

Any (female) displaying underarm hair will be immediately disqualified.

There will be no upper age limit ie even Brian Hartigan and Krizon will be allowed to play as long as there are large supplies of oxygen available throughout the game.

Disabled players are allowed with written permission from their next of kin.

Anyone dying during the game will be immediately disqualified.

The minimum age limit will be at the discretion of the referee who will be 12 years old.

Facial hair pulling is not allowed.

Biting of opponents ankles is allowed - unless the opponent is canine and then only allowed if all players have had (and can prove) they have had up to date tetanus injections.

No dogs are allowed to use wheelchairs or crutches but cat's can at the discretion of the referee.

Hot food can only be consumed during the game behind the goal posts. Serviettes must be used at all times.

Absolutely no burping or farting by any team member during the singing of any national anthems.

Anyone weighing in before the first whistle at less than 8 stone, has to eat 16 jam doughnuts (without being sick) and drink 1 litre of full sugar Coca Cola. Spirits can be added to the coke if the team player does not like the taste of plain Coke.
 
Flowery shower caps may not be worn without the written permission of the referee such permission not to be unreasonably withheld
 
Originally posted by Kathy@Jan 11 2006, 01:51 PM
Spirits can be added to the coke
Click to expand...
However, only stripey coloured straws may be used to suck this...

Any Brazilians on the pitch must be kept covered during play
 
Anyone making racist comments (at any time) during the game will be shot first and questions will be asked (in English) by the referee later.

Sign langauge is only permissable by people unable to speak. This does not include those that have stuffed their faces with doughnuts at half time.

Please note certain hand signs are NOT allowed whilst the game is "in play" and these will be demonstrated to all parties 5 mins before the game by the referee in an "air hostess" fashion in the dressing room.

A full list of allowable "hand signals" can be obtained by the club secretary if you send an S.A.E. to enable you to practice not doing them. The excuse that it is a medical problem ie an automatic reflex, will only be accepted in extreme cases.
 
Unless the player is female, no player may handle more than three balls at once. Female players must ensure that one of the three balls is in free play at all times.

Handicap weights will be allotted to all players.

Two sets of weights to be carried in sports bras for Merlin, Ardross and PDJ and all female players.

Male players to carry one set of weights in their posing pouches.
 
Songsheet , Krizon and other senior female players may not bring their toyboys onto the pitch without a medical certificate signed by three doctors confirming that their play will not be adversely affected or their health be put at risk
 
Unwanted sexual advances to blonde film stars with the first name Cameron and second name Diaz are strictly prohibited during play
 
Females being sick over male paticipants will result in five minutes additional play.
Foreplay will be at the discretion of the would be victim.
 
Any member of the either team with bladder problems MUST advise the referee BEFORE the first whistle as chemical toilets can be placed at strategic points on the pitch. These players must supply their own toilet paper at all times. Those players found relieving themselves (in the toilet sense) without written authorisation on the pitch will be severely reprimanded. You must carry the weak bladder authorisation with you at all times.
 
Scrum ettiquette:

Scrums may only comprise of three persons at any one time and must not be of the single-sex variety.

Any female player found not be sporting Agent Provocateur undergarments will be shown the yellow card.

Male participants must, at all times, be clad in Armani outer garments with co-ordinating Calvin Klein boxer shorts.

Y-fronts, worn by either sex, will result in a red card.
 
Female players waiting their turn to play, or sent off, will knit lengthy scrolls bearing the names of males awaiting execution following any own goals, or unseemly views of builders' cracks or belly fur.

Spectacles, hearing aids, walking sticks, colostomy bags and any other personal aids must be handed in to the Chief Coach prior to play taking place.

The Forumball Song will be sung before play commences:

"Razza, razza, razza,
Ra, ra, ra,
We are the Forumballers
That's wot we are!

Razza, razza, razza,
Ra, ra, ra,
We've got big clubs and balls
And we're the best by far!

Chorus: Wot have we got?

Response: Big clubs and balls!

Chorus: Wot have we got?

Response: Big clubs and balls!"

Repeat first verse. Group hug. Group kisses. Group grope. Play ball!
 
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