A dilemma!

jinnyj

jinnyj

Senior Jockey
Joined
Jan 8, 2004
Messages
4,569
I have a dilemma. Three years ago I worked for a Point to Point trainer just riding out one lot. The horses were great and I really enjoyed to start with. I was instrumental in getting a very nice horse they had bred to win his maiden. Before I started there some mutual friends had warned me about him saying he was a womaniser but I thought I’m old enough to cope with a 65yo man making suggestions. How wrong could I be!
The first month things were fine. Every morning I would arrive to chaos and sort them out. He and I rode out and it was good friendly banter. And then steadily things changed and the comments became suggestive and then very suggestive. At first I laughed them off. I’d worked in Racing and was well used to it. But it got worse. Texts initially I sent funny ones back but gradually I started telling him he was being inappropriate and to stop. He didn’t. In fact he got far, far worse. I regularly told him to eff off but he laughed and said I didn’t mean it. He came round to my house with flowers, gifts, sent me text saying that he was just down the road and needed to see me. I got really angry and still he didn’t stop. He used to try and touch me riding out and always got close enough to brush past me in the tack room. And his wife (ten years older than him) used to make sarky comments towards me. All in all it was extremely uncomfortable and yet I made it perfectly clear I was unhappy. Why didn’t I leave? Well I really needed the money!
Anyway the season finished and I thought at least with the summer break he might come to some sense. But then I was accused of having an affair with him! My name was mud! And to make matters worse he then started stalking me following me home. And then SHE sacked me! Eventually it died down. But I regretted not doing anything.

Fast forward and I discover the woman who worked for him before me also had problems with him but left before he took it further. And then a young girl replaced me who I knew and I thought she’d be ok as her boyfriend you wouldn’t mess with. But today she came up to me and she’s experiencing the same but she’s too scared to say anything least of all to her boyfriend. But again she needs the money.
So what do I do? She’s asked for advice. My bestie said don’t get involved but he’s going to continue in this vein and who knows where it will end. Maybe this girl will leave. But what about the next one?

My initial thought was to ring an advice line without reporting it. My bestie says I missed my chance and it’s up to the girl to act but she’s a quiet little mouse and won’t.

Sorry this his is such a long read but it affected me badly at the time and I feel he should be stopped.
 
You haven’t missed your chance at all - for reasons I can’t go into I know this for a fact ( with apologies for the Lilly Bobtail quote - Sophie’s had me watching Peter rabbit all day!) you absolutely can and should report this - maybe the shock of him being investigated will sort things out - maybe not, but you will have done your best to stop anyone else going through it. They will ask everyone who has worked there for info about him so it won’t just be your word against theirs.

He’s an arse.






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That must be a pretty horrific experience for you and the other women, jinnyj.

I'm just wondering, to whom would you report this guys actions?

I don't know enough about the law. Are the actions criminal? If so, he could end up on the sec offenders' register. I imagine that would put an end to his activity. It might also finish him as a business. That might be justice in itself.

The money aspect concerns me greatly.
 
I think the answer to the dilemma is obvious. And also think that anyone who thinks that I'm nasty clearly doesn't get me at all. That's the reason that I don't fit in here and if there was a leave button, it would be firmly pressed.
 
I don't think men realise how difficult it is for women to deal with inappropriate behaviour. One of the problems being that, as women we tend to try to smooth things over rather be confrontational. Would CAB be helpful perhaps?
 
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Edmund Burke.

I’m so cross about this kirsty - you’ve absolutely got to report him. I can help you if you want - I know how hard it is to do, god knows I wish I’d been strong enough to do it both times I had similar back along. Times are different now though - and who knows what he will be doing having got away with it for such a long time.

Sex and sexual predation was commonplace when I started out in racing ( and before that!) thankfully it is much less these days, though it’s still around - but where it was almost acceptable before, it is most definitely not ok. There are still too many men who think it’s fine - and that women should be grateful that they want to have sex with them. It won’t change unless people make a stand.




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Silence allows him to continue as things are

Probably best to report and let enforcement actions commence

Brave of you to post this - thoughts with you and applaud your courage
 
trudij said:
You haven’t missed your chance at all - for reasons I can’t go into I know this for a fact
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Trudi's right, there's no statute of limitation on this, and then more people who report a predatory action the more likely you are to establish a pattern of behaviour

Be prepared to be counter-accused though (that's inevitable)

Also to anyone who experiences work place harassment, you can make a private diary and its admissible evidence (terrifies the accused when it's suddenly sprung on them)

If something has been sent by text message, it's also on server too. I'd be a bit concerned about "initially I sent funny ones back". You don't need to be a genius to see how that will be presented as a contributory behaviour

Basically the racing industry is ****, and full of **** people
 
Sexual predation by those who use their position to abuse the vulnerable is a far more common occurrence than most people are aware even in today’s climate in which there is far more support for those seeking to combat it. It can happen anywhere. I’ve known it happen in school, welfare services, church and in the workplace and in many cases it has had an impact on people for the rest of of their lives.
At times, largely when a fired up youth, I have actively supported people subject to this form of abuse, sometimes with direct action if the authorities did not respond appropriately,( probably wrong but effective). I don’t regret that but should. What I do now regret is not doing more.
Nowadays there are many good and helpful organisations that one can contact that will provide help/advice free of charge. Take advantage of this and don’t just charge at it. As to those people that are reluctant to confront it, try and understand them, it cannot be easy and that is why the predators are so prolific.
 
Also, you want to avoid an "it's his word against yours" situation.

Evidence will be important, I imagine, if it's to be taken further.
 
Always important to keep a diary at times like this as you have to write down events asap because it's easy to forget minor but important details. I was bullied by a doctor at the medical practice where I worked for 20 years [not physical but mental]. Took it as far as I could because it wasn't just me that was affected by him [although I was the only one of the staff who made an official complaint; several patients did, though]. All I got in the end was a handshake; no apology and he just carried on as usual. But at least I'd proved a point. Maybe the girl currently being abused by this vile man may turn out to be the one that brings an end to it; sometimes it's the quiet ones [like me] that turn out to be stronger than people think. Full marks to jinny for wanting to help this girl.
 
People are coming forward reporting instances from 30 years ago - as said there is no limit on this kind of activity being reported. Don't know enough about the set up obviously but can't you report him to the body that govern the P2P licences at least? Tell the current girl that you are prepared to back up her. The wife probably knows he's taken his chances where he can in the past with others who may have fallen for his charms, it's always easier to blame the 3rd party, whatever the truth is. Good luck.
 
Thanks guys for the support. I am going to ring a helpline to ask their advice. At the time I didn't realise how much it affected me. I'm the tough girl, right? But after all the #MeToo stuff came out, I felt stupid for not having acted on it. I have acted in the past over stuff - put my head above the parapet and had it blasted off! I have stood up for my rights as a woman and a worker in the past and had some serious sh*t thrown back at me.

What is apparent now is how clever he was at the grooming side of it. When I spoke to the woman who worked there before me, she admitted the same. He started out OK but lulled you into a confidential friendship so you let your guard down. And you start to like them and enjoy their company - and I did. It was a laugh - hence the funny texts back. But he quickly overstepped the mark and I was blatant in my replies - every time. Verbally and via text. And I replied extremely angrily when he explained in lurid detail what he wanted to do to my body!

I had buried this in my past but it took a lot for this girl to approach me (she waited until her boyfriend was out of earshot to do so as he would definitely take things into his own hands if he found out and as a BNP supporter, it could be extreme!) so I feel I should do something to put a stop to it once and for all even if its only a warning.
 
G-G said:
Don't know enough about the set up obviously but can't you report him to the body that govern the P2P licences at least?
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They probably possess the greatest incentive of all the organisations to sweep the whole thing under the carpet, any more than they'll actually have the skills and knowledge to conduct an investigation any way

There's only one organisation who carry the authority to bring this to a head, and that's the police.

The other old adage holds true as well. Strength in numbers. Deniers can often fight off one or two allegations, fighting off twenty one or twenty two however is a whole different challenge
 
tiggers1972 said:
If you still have the texts Jinny, go straight to the police.
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Go to the Police anyway. Texts are recoverable as long as you broadly know the period they were sent and responded to. I suspect all three of you have similar which will add significant weight.

I'd say if you feel strong enough go and nail the dirty lecherous old barsteward!!! And if you have the full support and help of one or both of the others I suspect he has a fairly large problem.
 
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Maruco said:
I'd say if you feel strong enough go and nail the dirty lecherous old barsteward!!! And if you have the full support and help of one or both of the others I suspect he has a fairly large problem.
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I'd also add that an investigating officer will look to go back years of previous employees. I'd be surprised if it stops at three complainants. Once the floodgates open there'll be others, so long as the police are prepared to investigate and not look to do the rural racing industry cosy up thing
 
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