Jokes

NO SEX TONIGHT!



I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my Wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every Husband on the planet dreads to
hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
 
Why is it acceptable for someone to make a racist joke and far from being pulled up for it a moderator takes part in the thread !!! I've just about had it with the double standards on this place As Ardross said this is wholely unacceptable . Are you gonna stop this kind of bigoted trash from posting or are you going to lose all credibility ? So you can bar me if you like but I'm just genuinely upset that certain people get away with murder . They post jokes in bad taste , make racist , sexist , minority , comments and they are APPEASED . IT ISN'T RIGHT !!!!
 
Solerina - this jokes thread is a general thread . It is not the original thread merlin posted on I transferred all " jokes " into it so i don't think that criticism of Col is justified on this .

On the other hand reading it again it just gets more offensive every time you read it especially to any potential Jewish contributors so it will be deleted .
 
Thanks Ardross. I was'nt commenting on the context but in any context surely this is wrong . The content is unacceptable let alone the boast that "I WROTE IT MYSELF" :brows:
 
Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are having a cuppa one day and Snow White says, "I'm the most beautiful person in the world!"

Quasimoso says, "You can't come up with a comment like that without any evidence."

Tom Thumb says, "I'm the smallest person in the world!"

Snow White says, "Says who? Get some evidence."

Quasimodo says, "Well, since we're on the subject, I must be the ugliest person in the world."

Tom Thumb says, "OK, we'll meet back here one week from now and we must bring evidence to back up our claims."

They all agree and go their separate ways.

A week later, a beaming Snow White produces a mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

"You are!" says the mirror.

Tom Thumb proudly produces the complete works of Henry Fielding and points to the part which says he is the smallest person in the world.

They turn to a sombre-looking Quasimodo and say, "Well?"

He replies, "Who the f*ck is this Camilla Parker-Bowles anyway?"
 
Originally posted by solerina@Mar 5 2005, 09:29 PM
Why is it acceptable for someone to make a racist joke and far from being pulled up for it a moderator takes part in the thread !!! I've just about had it with the double standards on this place As Ardross said this is wholely unacceptable . Are you gonna stop this kind of bigoted trash from posting or are you going to lose all credibility ? So you can bar me if you like but I'm just genuinely upset that certain people get away with murder . They post jokes in bad taste , make racist , sexist , minority , comments and they are APPEASED . IT ISN'T RIGHT !!!!
Click to expand...
I have no idea at all what you are talking about
:blink:
 
A mother had 3 virgin daughters who all married within a short time.
She told them all to send a postcard briefly telling what they thought to marital sex.

1st girl sent one from Hawaii with only 'Nescafe' on the card.
Mum was puzzled but went to the kitchen cupboard and there on the Nescafe jar it read 'good till the last drop'
Mum blushed but was pleased for her.

2nd girl sent a card from the Bahamas which just said 'Rothmans' which again
puzzled mum but on looking at her husbands cigarette packet it read
Extra Long King Size......mum blushed again but was pleased for her.

Mum didn't hear anything for a month from the 3rd girl and she was getting worried until a card arrived which said in shaky writing ' South African Airways'
Mum was concerned and looked through a 'You' mag and there she found an ad for SAA.
It read ' Ten times a day, 7 days a week, both ways'

Mum fainted
 
This one is probably the funniest joke of all time.

One day this man decided to study with the Open University for a law degree. He had a look through the prospectus and applied to one of the law courses they provided. He signed a lot of papers and one day a whole load of books arrived. He started reading one of the books and realised that it was all gobbledigook cloudcuckooland stuff and he didn't understand a word of it.

Anyway, his first assignment was to be in by March 9th and he woke up on March 8th and it hadn't been done yet, much to many people's delight.
 
Phillippe, I think it only fair to say that I have two grand with Brian that you will duck out of this before this December. So far, so good... :)
 
I must tell you Krizon that I have had a weeks pension on Phil to graduate with honours and join the 'high rollers' like George Carmen QC :P

Hope my hidden joke is spotted :(
 
The really excellent hidden bit was, of course, 'Carmen rollers', for which you have earned the Sly Pun of the Month Award, 221bar1. :D
 
Google fun

Go to the .com version

Enter "f**kwit" as a Search (spelt fully of course)

Hit "I'm feeling lucky"
 
That's a very good one, tetley - Diamond Geezer posted it on here recently along with typing in "french military victories" & hitting I'm feeling lucky. They both work on the .co.uk version too.
 
For oldies, pass on this, as you'll have heard it already. For the Young Folk on here, may I present:

A sweet old vicar had two pet monkeys, which sadly died of old age on the same day. Grief-stricken at the loss of his beloved pets, he decided he couldn't live without their presence, and called in to see a taxidermist. He explained what had happened, and the taxidermist smiled sympathetically.

"Oh, that's very sad for you, Reverend. Of course, I'll make them look as life-like as I can. I assume you just want them stuffed and mounted?"

The vicar looked appalled. "Oh, good heavens, no! They were only good friends. I think holding hands will be quite enough!"
 
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