Jokes

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An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a
pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you sell widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that
he's on her level, and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby
or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and says in a quiet voice,

"I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."
 
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she
proceeded to close the door Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet."If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f***ing good appetite, because the
electricity was cut off this morning."
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the chemist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, and is going to be at it all night.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "Yes and I had no idea your father was a chemist."
 
EUROPEAN DIRECTIVE

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".

This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl

riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
 
With apologies to Desperate Dan


At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete d**k."
 
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, I did it."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. The maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours
 
that's a wee bit bad taste init? Bear in mind this is a www. forum and some members may have family in the armed forces .
 
must have been wrote by a women!!! :lol: its so silly its funny.............

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a

helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not

strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that

one had to leave, because otherwise they were all

going to fall. They weren't able to name that person,

until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said

that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,

because, as a woman, she was used to giving up

everything for her husband and kids, or for men in

general, and was used to always making sacrifices with

little in return. As soon as she finished her speech,

all the men started clapping their hands.......
 
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