Jokes
- Thread starter Merlin the Magician
- Start date
A
Ardross
Guest
Apologies to trig for nicking these off FF - Peter Kay jokes
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there
on it was sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
15) You never ever run out of salt.
16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something.
17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
an upturned plug.
20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there
on it was sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
15) You never ever run out of salt.
16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something.
17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
an upturned plug.
20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
BrianH
At the Start
Q: What's the difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson?
A: Scargill hasn't seen a miner's helmet for twenty years.
A: Scargill hasn't seen a miner's helmet for twenty years.
Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
A
Ardross
Guest
Courtesy of Popbitch - damn I was going to post that one
QWhat is the Queen giving Camilla to make up for not going to the wedding
A A trip to Paris and her own chauffeur
QWhat is the Queen giving Camilla to make up for not going to the wedding
A A trip to Paris and her own chauffeur
Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
:lol: :lol: :lol:
jejquade
At the Start
>The following are all 100% genuine signs, spotted in various places around the world...
>
>In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
>
>In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
>
>In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
>
>In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
>
>In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
>
>In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
>
>In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
>
>In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
>
>In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
>
>In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
>
>On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
>
>On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
>
>Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
>
>In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
>
>Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
>
>In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
>
>Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
>
>A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
>
>In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
>
>In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
>
>In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
>
>In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
>
>Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
>
>In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
>
>In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
>
>In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
>
>In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
>
>On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
>
>In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
>
>In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
>
>In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
>
>In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
>
>In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
>
>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
>
>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
>
>In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
>
>In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
>
>In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
>
>In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
>
>In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
>
>In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
>
>In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
>
>In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
>
>In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
>
>In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
>
>On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
>
>On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
>
>Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
>
>In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
>
>Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
>
>In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
>
>Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
>
>A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
>
>In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
>
>In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
>
>In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
>
>In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
>
>Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
>
>In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
>
>In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
>
>In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
>
>In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
>
>On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
>
>In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
>
>In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
>
>In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
>
>In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
>
>In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
>
>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
>
>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
jejquade
At the Start
> Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees
> his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams
> on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're
> doing?"
> Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya
> got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in
> his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila...not only are you a
> great lay, but you're a real sport too." And drives off.
> -------------------------------------------------
> An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking About
> their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the
> English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a
> real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's
> Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible,
> what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing
> happened with my son Pancake."
> -------------------
> There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their
> teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my
> daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was
> really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman
> says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day
> when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I
> didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says " Both of you
> have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other
> day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even
> know she had a p*nis."
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
> bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a
> paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"
> Girl: "OK"
> Medic: "What's your name"
> Girl: "Sharon"
> Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
> Sharon: "Yes"
> Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
> Sharon: "Bleedin Romford, mate."
> --------------------------------------
> An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It Was
> her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the
> news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
> careful!"
> "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f***ing hundreds
> of them!"
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --
> Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
> everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
> she's lying flat out on the floor.
> Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
> Sharon: Ok
> Medic: Ok then how many fingers am I putting up
> Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!
> his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams
> on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're
> doing?"
> Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya
> got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in
> his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila...not only are you a
> great lay, but you're a real sport too." And drives off.
> -------------------------------------------------
> An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking About
> their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the
> English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a
> real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's
> Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible,
> what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing
> happened with my son Pancake."
> -------------------
> There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their
> teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my
> daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was
> really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman
> says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day
> when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I
> didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says " Both of you
> have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other
> day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even
> know she had a p*nis."
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
> bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a
> paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"
> Girl: "OK"
> Medic: "What's your name"
> Girl: "Sharon"
> Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
> Sharon: "Yes"
> Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
> Sharon: "Bleedin Romford, mate."
> --------------------------------------
> An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It Was
> her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the
> news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
> careful!"
> "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f***ing hundreds
> of them!"
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --
> Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
> everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
> she's lying flat out on the floor.
> Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
> Sharon: Ok
> Medic: Ok then how many fingers am I putting up
> Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!
jejquade
At the Start
> Subject: Hell
>
> George W. Bush had a heart attack and died. He went to hell, where the
> devil
> was
> waiting for him at the gates.
>
> "I just don't know what to do," said the devil. "You're on my list, but I
> have
> no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, though, so I'll tell
> you
> what I'm going to do. I have three folks here who weren't quite as bad as
> you.
> I'll let one go, but you must take that person's place . . . and I'll even
>
> let
> you decide who leaves."
>
>
> Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
>
> The devil opened a door in the wall, and there was Richard Nixon and a
> large
> pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over
> again. Such was his fate in hell.
>
>
> "No!" Bush said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
> think I
> could do that all day long."
>
>
> The devil led him to another door and opened it. Behind it was Tony Blair,
>
> with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All that he did was swing
>
> the hammer, time after time after time.
>
> "No!" said Bush. "I have a problem with my shoulder, and I'd be in
> constant
> agony if I had to break rocks all day."
>
>
> The devil opened a third door. Behind it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on
> the floor with his arms folded behind his head, and his legs staked in a
> spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what she did
>
> best.
>
> "Wow," said Bush, looking in disbelief for a while; finally he said, "Yep
> .
> . . I can handle this."
>
> The devil smiled.
>
> "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
>
> Hell
>
> George W. Bush had a heart attack and died. He went to hell, where the
> devil
> was
> waiting for him at the gates.
>
> "I just don't know what to do," said the devil. "You're on my list, but I
> have
> no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, though, so I'll tell
> you
> what I'm going to do. I have three folks here who weren't quite as bad as
> you.
> I'll let one go, but you must take that person's place . . . and I'll even
>
> let
> you decide who leaves."
>
>
> Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
>
> The devil opened a door in the wall, and there was Richard Nixon and a
> large
> pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over
> again. Such was his fate in hell.
>
>
> "No!" Bush said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
> think I
> could do that all day long."
>
>
> The devil led him to another door and opened it. Behind it was Tony Blair,
>
> with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All that he did was swing
>
> the hammer, time after time after time.
>
> "No!" said Bush. "I have a problem with my shoulder, and I'd be in
> constant
> agony if I had to break rocks all day."
>
>
> The devil opened a third door. Behind it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on
> the floor with his arms folded behind his head, and his legs staked in a
> spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what she did
>
> best.
>
> "Wow," said Bush, looking in disbelief for a while; finally he said, "Yep
> .
> . . I can handle this."
>
> The devil smiled.
>
> "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
>
> Hell
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
BrianH
At the Start
Two ex-colonels meet up in the golf club.
"Hrrmph, haven't seen you since we retired from the regiment. How the devil are you?"
"Fine, fine, how are you?"
"Fine, despite this bloody government. Tell me, what are you doing thses days?"
"Just hunting and f*cking, hunting and f*cking."
"Ah, what do you hunt?"
"Anything that f*cks!"
"Hrrmph, haven't seen you since we retired from the regiment. How the devil are you?"
"Fine, fine, how are you?"
"Fine, despite this bloody government. Tell me, what are you doing thses days?"
"Just hunting and f*cking, hunting and f*cking."
"Ah, what do you hunt?"
"Anything that f*cks!"
Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Diamond Geezer
Gone But Not Forgotten
- Joined
- May 2, 2003
- Messages
- 13,884
More than some of us manage Jon 
Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
Very good, DG!!!!! :lol: :lol:
:lol: 
:lol:
A
Ardross
Guest
I just spent five minutes trying to find the post from Krizon .
G
Gearoid
Guest
took me 30 seconds -
Pinned: Jokes (Pages 1 2 3 ...5 )
Merlin the Magician Posted on: Feb 26 2005, 10:57 PM
Replies: 95
Views: 1331 Not for PRUDES as we have a few on here so be warned.
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Forum: General Chit Chat · Post Preview: #145773
Pinned: Jokes (Pages 1 2 3 ...5 )
Merlin the Magician Posted on: Feb 26 2005, 10:57 PM
Replies: 95
Views: 1331 Not for PRUDES as we have a few on here so be warned.
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Forum: General Chit Chat · Post Preview: #145773
Gearoid - pay attention at the back of the class! Ardross said 'from' Krizon, not from Merlin. But, hey, thanks for making sure we see this masterpiece of wit every five minutes. It's like being sick - you know it's foul, but you just don't quite know when it's going to come up again.
A
Ardross
Guest
Exactly K 's post was such a masterpiece of parody I was sure it was from Merlin and spent ages trying to find out what had happened to her reply
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
I actually put it in general chit chat on that date I have NOT been on here for nearly a month so I stated (when I first posted it) it was in the wrong place and can someone put it into the correct place i.e. JOKES.....
I know you struggle sometimes with this technology but inquire and answers WILL BE provided... not try and belittle as his your norm…….
so a moderator obviously moved it.............
not guilty ma lady……….it will sink in eventually????