Jokes

:D THAT'S OLDER THAN ME???...


But have heard it thus, that she went into an ANN SUMMERS SHOP and was insistant on the vibrator, that was designed in a Scotch plaid behind the shop assistant, and she replied ... "But madam that's my thermos flask your wanting"................ :eek: :)
 
I don't think I've seen this on here before:

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
 
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and dull grey suit.
"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
 
My 10yo niece told me this one yesterday. It cracked me up...

A man goes to the doc because he's been feeling worse and worse for some time.

After a number of tests the doctor breaks the news:

"I'm sorry, but you've got a rare form of Yellow Fever called 'Yellow 43' and there's no known cure. You have less than a year to live."

The man goes away, thinks things over and decides he's going to spend the rest of his life doing all the things he's wanted to do but never done.

First on his list is to go to the Bingo. He buy his cards ands settles down to play. Lo and behold, he wins the first game for four corners and wins £1000. In the very next game, he gets a line and wins £2000. In the next game he gets the full house and wins £5000. When he goes to collect his prize the MC remarks on how lucky he's been on his first night at the Bingo.

"I hardly consider myself lucky," says the man. "I've got Yellow 43, you know."

The MC replies, "Well, you've just won the raffle too!"
 
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly,one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man apologised. "I'm a gynaecologist... "
 
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened,telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure....maybe she choked?
 
This may have been on here before - Im sure it seems familiar...


I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot dog biscuits in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my
balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
 
:laughing: at cricketfan and tetley!!


Got this off Sarah Kennedy yesterday....


Three men were hiking through America when they fought their way through a forest adn came across a raging torrent of a river.

The first man looked to they sky and said " please God, give me the strength to cross this river safely" and POOF - he was given big strong arms and muscular legs and he swam across the river.In two hours he was on the other side,exhausted,havign nearly drowned twice.

The second man looked up and said "please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river safely" adn POOF - he was given strong arms, muscular legs and a rowing boat. He made it to the other side in an hour, having nearly capsised once.

The third man looked skywards and said " please God give me the strength,the tools and the inteligence to cross this river safely" and POOF - he was tuned into a woman.She took out her map,hiked 100yds downstream and crossed over the bridge.....
 
Apologies if it is a repeat.............

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.


They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.


The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."


George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replied:

"Your Majesty, please do not give the matter another thought..

Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
 
The Queen goes on a visit to a hospital. On entering a ward she sees a man masturbating in the first bed, whats going on there she says. Nurse replies, he has too much sperm and he has to do that 3 times a day, doctors orders. Moving on to the next bed she sees a nurse giving a man oral sex, whats going on here then. Nurse replies, same problem as the first man but he's in BUPA.
 
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds! Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
 
A brave Knight decided to join the Holy Crusades. Deciding that his wife must wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, "If I don't return within 4 years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

The husband leaves on horseback and about 20 minutes later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him.

He waits for it to come closer and sees it is his best friend, "What's wrong?" he asks.















"You gave me the wrong key!"
 
Someone asked Barrymore if he was doing panto this year. He said he
wasn't
because he did aladdin a couple of years ago and hasn't heard the last
of
it.
 
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun,
Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the
way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed
not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do
whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily,
"I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister,Magdalene continued,
"And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and
eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my
lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation
was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart
with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old ######" said the old nun.
"He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
 
pinched this from a girl on another forum....


A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa and he took his
faithful
pet dachshund along for company.One day, the dachshund started chasing
butterflies and before long discovered that he was lost. Wandering
about
he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious
intention of having lunch.The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep
trouble
now!" Just then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and
immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund
exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if
there
are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halted his attack
in
mid-stride, as a look of terror came over him, and slinked away into
the
trees. "Whew," thought the leopard. "That was close.That dachshund
nearly
had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from
a
nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade
it
for protection from the leopard.So, off he went.But the dachshund saw
him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something
must be up. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the
beans
and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious
at
being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see
what's
going to happen to that conniving canine." Again the dachshund saw the
leopard coming, now with the monkey on his back,and thought, "What am I

going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his
back
to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet... and just when
they
got close enough to hear, the dachshund said......................
"Where's that damn monkey?I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard."
 
POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
 
An Australian Joke:

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta
get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta
do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya
uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -
nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's
lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks
or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on
a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in
the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya
like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of *****!! You don't even
load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have
to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and
Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at
home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best
the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from
the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles
across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone
wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to
the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
 
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