Jokes

While we're recyclig the oldies:

An army major in a military hospital in Iraq is visiting sick, rather than wounded, soldiers.

He goes up to one patient and asks: "What's your problem, private?" "Chronic syphilis, sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the action against these terrorists, sir" "Good man." says the major. He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, private?" "Chronic piles, sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the defence of democracy against the enemy, sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, private?" "Chronic gum disease, sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, sir."
 
Well, if we're raiding Ye Olde Boke of Jokes, here's another:

A woman with a baby was sitting in a doctor's waiting room. She was ushered in to see the doctor, who checked the baby over for general health, and then weighed him. The doctor frowned slightly, and then said to the woman:

"Is the baby bottle fed or breast fed?" "Oh, he's definitely breast fed, doctor," replied the woman. "Why? Is anything wrong?" The doctor replied, "Nothing too bad - he's just a little underweight. Now, would you mind if I asked you to take off your clothes to your waist, please?" The woman said she didn't mind at all, and did so.

The doctor ran his hands expertly over her breasts, one at a time, then both together - he kneaded, pressed, and cupped them, and gently squeezed her nipples. "Well, there we have it!" he exclaimed. "You haven't got any milk!"

The woman began to retrieve her cast-off clothes. "Well, I should think not, doctor - I'm his grandmother, after all. But I'm darn glad I came!"
 
And another from Granny's Attic o'Fun:

A family is sitting down to a nice roast chicken dinner, when the young son, looking at the chicken's plump breast, suddenly asks his father "Dad, how many kinds of breast are there?" Surprised, but deciding to give the boy some sort of answer, his father replies, "Well, son, there are really just three kinds of breast. The first kind is when a lady gets into her 20s, and they're like melons. Round and firm. The second kind is when a lady is in her 30s or 40s, like your Mom, and they're like pears. Still shapely, but just beginning to droop a little bit. Then the last kind is when a lady gets older, and then they're like onions."

The boy raised his eyebrows. "Like onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you know, you only have to look at them and you weep," laughed the father.

Annoyed by this, the teenage daughter turned to her mother. "Okay, Mom, tell me, how many kinds of willy do you think there are?"

Equally annoyed, her mother said, "Oh, let's see. Just three kinds again, I guess. The first is when a man gets into his 20s - they're like oak trees then, firm and real hard. Then the guy gets into his 30s or 40s, like your father, and they're a bit like a birch tree - more flexible but generally reliable."

"And the third kind, when the guy gets older?" asked the daughter.

"Oh, the third kind of willy is like a Christmas tree," replied her mother. "Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."
 
Here's one from a fellow forumite received today:

An extremely obese chap goes to see his doctor. "Good grief, Sean," says the doctor, "you've got a helluva weight problem there. I'm going to put you on this very restricted diet. Now, the first two days, you just eat what's on this chart, skip the third day, then back eating for two days, and so on. I'll see you in two weeks, and I expect you to have lost a good 5lbs by then."

So Sean goes home, applies himself, and in two weeks he's back for the weigh-in at the doctor's. The doctor is astounded to see that he's lost not 5, but 30lbs! "That's incredible, Sean! How was it for you?"

"Well, doctor," sighs Sean, "to be honest, I found it a bit tiring, y'know."

"Ah," says the doctor, nodding his head. "That'll be the hunger, of course."

"No," says Sean, "no, that wasn't too bad. It was all that bloody skipping every third day!"
 
these may have been put up here (probably a thousand times by now!!) but they make me giggle....

ALLEGEDLY TRUE excerpts from council request letters....

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob
off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his
foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I
think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and
fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain
filthy.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not
fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am
his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and
dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still
have had no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our loo seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus
in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take
it anymore.
 
During an evening storm, Mummy went suddenly into labour at home, and had just had time to call out the midwife when, suddenly, there was a power cut. The midwife arrived in darkness, and found Mummy being comforted by her dear little 5 year-old girl, Susie.

"Now, Susie," said the midwife firmly, "I want you to be a big grown-up girl and help me, please. Will you hold this torch for me, while I help your Mummy?" Little Susie nodded and held the torch for the midwife while Mummy yelled and pushed, breathed hard, yelled and pushed some more, and then after what seemed a long time, there emerged a little baby boy. Susie stared at the new arrival as the midwife lifted him high and smacked his tiny bottom. The baby bawled, and was handed to his mother.

"There you are, Susie - all done!" said the midwife, smiling. "And thank you very much for helping your Mummy and me. So what did you think of that?"

Susie considered carefully. "Well, I think he shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place - so smack him again."
 
And now, to offend our forum's blondies - a series of 'blonde jokes' e-mailed to me ce soir:

THE MOON AND THE BLONDES

Two young blondes in Oklahoma are sitting out on the porch one silvery evening, and one says to the other: "Whaddya think is the furthest away from here? Florida or the Moon?" The second blonde replies, "Oh, HALLOooooooo... can you see Florida from here?"

THE BLONDE AND THE BEAMER

A cute blonde rolls her BMW coupe into a garage and tells the mechanic it's just died. The mechanic gives it a quick inspection, twiddles around a bit, and soon the Beamer is as good as new. "So," says the cute blonde, "what's the story?"

"Oh, just crap in the carburettor," says the mechanic.

"Oh, really?" asks the blonde, a little surprised. "And how often do I have to do that?"

THE BLONDE AND THE SPEED COP

A pert blonde is hauled over by a speed cop, who cautions that she's speeding, and asks to see her driving licence. "Oh, for goodness sake!" pouts the pert blonde. "I wish you guys would get your act together - you only took it off me yesterday!"

THE BLONDE AND THE RIVER

A young woman is out taking a walk alongside the river. She sees a blonde girl on the opposite bank, and calls out, "Hi there! D'you know how I can get to the other side, please?" The blonde girl looks up and down the river thoughtfully, and then calls back, "But you ARE on the other side!"

THE REDHEAD AND THE DOCTOR

A beautiful redhead goes to see her doctor, complaining that everywhere on her body is painful. The doctor asks to see where, so she prods her shoulder, and screams. She prods her elbow, her knee, her ankle, and cries with pain after each touch. "You see, doctor," she sobs, "everywhere is agony!"

The doctor looks kindly at her, "You're not really a redhead, are you, my dear?"

The redhead looks puzzled. "Uh, no, actually, I'm not. I'm naturally a blonde."

"Yes," says the doctor, patiently. "I thought so. And you've got a broken finger."

BLONDE SPACE CADETS

A group of Russians, Americans, and a bevy of blondes meet up at a space convention. The Russians lose no time in boasting of being the first in space. The Americans counter with being the first to land on the Moon. The blondes inform everyone that they, though, will be the first space cadets to the Sun. The Russians and Americans burst out laughing.

"You crazy babes," laugh the Americans, "you can't even get near the Sun - you'll be burnt to a cinder!"

"Says who?" asks one lovely blonde. "We're not idiots, you know - we'll be going at night!"

THE BLONDE AND THE VACUUM

A bunch of friends are playing Trivial Pursuit one evening, when the blonde draws Science & Nature. "Okay," says her friend, "here's the question: if you are in a vacuum, and someone calls out your name, can you hear it?"

The blonde ponders this for a while, and then asks, "Uhhh... is the vacuum on or off?"

AND FINALLY...

A rich blonde invites her friends over for drinks, and suddenly two big dogs rush past her, barking loudly. "Ohh, shhh, Timex! Shhh, Rolex!" says the blonde. Her friends laugh as the dogs calm down. "Who the heck calls their dogs Timex and Rolex?" laughs one young man. The blonde gives him a withering look. "Well, HELLLLLOOoooo, dumbo! These are pedigree watchdogs!"

-----------------

And not content with insulting our lovely blondes, here's a couple about folks from the Emerald Oil:

Patrick goes to Boston to see the American side of his family. It's a much bigger city than he'd imagined, and the streets are frantically busy. He stands with a group of people waiting to cross a busy intersection, where a traffic cop is waving the vehicles past. Every now and then he stops the vehicles and yells out "Pedestrians only!" Patrick waits patiently while this happens several times. By about the tenth time it occurs, he decides to walk over to the policeman. "Excuse me, sir," he says, "but is not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

-----------

Gallagher opens the local paper and reads in the Obituaries that he's died. Someone's mistake, he realises, but has to share the joke with his best pal Finney. He calls Finney on the phone and laughs, "Hey, Finney, have you seen the paper? Guess what? I'm dead."

Finney replies cautiously: "Yes, yes, I did - and where are ye calling from?"
 
The Mother Superior called all the nuns together one afternoon. "Sisters," she said, "I have an important matter to tell you. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Ooh, that's grand," said old Sister Mary, "I was getting a little tired of that Rioja!"

-----------------

And then there was the Polish immigrant who went to the DVLA. They gave him an eye test which said: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. "Can you read that?" asked the examiner. "Read it?" asked the Pole. "I know the guy!"
 
NELSON MANDELA

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he
hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a
clip
board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts
to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts
the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of
brake
pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he
slams
the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a
knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little
Man
by
his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
name!
Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"
 
A newly married Irish couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


New Neighbours
A Waterford wife was keeping a close eye on her new neighbours. "They seem perfectly devoted to each other," she told her husband.

He kisses her every time he goes out and even blows kisses to her from the window. Why don't you do that?"

"I hardly know the woman"
:rolleyes:
 
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.


Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.





(even I groaned at that one.....)
 
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:- (no offence intended to the Irish)

Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign........................ .What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section...........A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic........................... A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate.......................... To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.......................... A small lie.
Impotent...................... Distinguished, wellknown.
Labour Pain................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient.................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis.......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative............... A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum........................ Nearly killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure......................... Roman emperor.
Tablet.......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour........................ One plus one more.
Urine........................... Opposite of you're out.
2xCondoms....................To be sure, to be sure...... :P :D
 
COLIN,.... no I don't think soo... it is in the JOKES thread the same that I have had the p... taken out of me re... sheep shagging etc etc etc but I don't take umbrage to it, I take it with a smile..... Its not meant to offend its supposed to be FUNNY hence as stated its in the JOKES thread .....

Are you or have you joined the P-C people then?????????

Like I said read it where its posted if, you don't like my posts-jokes well don't read them! Simple really..........

If people from the other side of the water object, that may then be a reason to delete it..... but its only a JOKE nothing more............. :rolleyes:
 
Two men drove to a petrol station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the first man. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex." "2" said the second man "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
 
Here's an old joke that I like.

A doctor approaches a woman after the birth of her child.
"I have good news and bad news, I'm afraid. The bad news is that I'm afraid he is ginger. The good news is that it's dead."
 
Originally posted by simmo@Apr 24 2007, 11:18 AM
Here's an old joke that I like.

A doctor approaches a woman after the birth of her child.
"I have good news and bad news, I'm afraid. The bad news is that I'm afraid he is ginger. The good news is that it's dead."
Click to expand...
I don't get it.
 
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