Jokes

Subject: Fwd: Health Message

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of
the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT
run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or
other liquor) in moderation of course, because alcohol has to go
through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Beer = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink
beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing
it as a public service.
 
Not so much a joke - supposedly a true story but either way hilarious:-

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and
you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on
your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks
DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great
prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call
someone at work and ask if they are married or
seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers"yes",he or she is then asked 3 random yet
highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their
partner with (phone number) for verification. If their
partner answers those same three questions correctly,
they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made
the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First
only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would
ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8
o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is
staying with us for couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the
previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I
will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?"
(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the
air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a
couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll
lose. Sooooooo..... do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly,
okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3
questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's
answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have s*x, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian.... uh, this morning before
Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is
trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last
question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip
to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the a*se....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he
was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop
laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call
out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation,
for minor traffic collisions.
 
The Future of Nursery Rhymes


Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.


Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.


Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.


Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.


Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.


It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh ######, it's Global Warming.
 
In a recent survey, people from Liverpool, England, have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm "Brut", a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ... yet.
 
"Closet Deals"

A woman takes a lover home during the day while
her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes
home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy
is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the
boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

M an: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your
glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession!'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy
sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again; you're in
MY closet now!'
 
Story by a real Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
 
IT'S A WOMANS WORLD ALLRIGHT.....................
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh ######." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 
DIVORCE V MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
__________________
 
Sent by A friend .....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....">

MORAL OF THE STORY :
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us.
 
Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"Aw, come on....what use is that?" sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may well be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law."Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I can't remember."
 
:eek: Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics. :eek:

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right! ....... Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive?....... Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP ; ....... Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man ....... Dum Fuk

Small Horse ....... Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? ....... Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table ! ....... Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! ....... Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! ....... Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! ....... Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! ....... No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! ....... Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight ....... Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile ....... Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive ....... Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great ....... Fa Kin Su Pa


PASS IT ALONG. DON'T LAUGH BY YOURSELF
 
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM



Dear Diary....

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader
43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.



MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for
me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the
machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week-!!



TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but
I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other S*** too.

THURSDAY :

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.



FRIDAY :

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.


Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?


SATURDAY :

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel..



SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over.. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little sh!*) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.

:laughing:
 
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. :laughing:

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
 
3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask
over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He
saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we
made love all night long

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office
and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes
and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say
anything.....but we had wild sex all night

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
opens the door and says:











'Alright Batman, what's for dinner?'


The Barsteward!! Lol
 
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in
their soon to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only
a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're
selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious

Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a brorad Irish accent

asked 'What are you selling' here ?

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You are doing well ...

Only two left!' !!!
 
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate
of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
>
> 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on offer, only
£10 for 24 cans', he says
>
> 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...
>
> A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks
it into the trolley.
>
> 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream. It
makes me look beautiful,' she says.
>
> The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING
PRICE'
 
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
 
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