Jokes

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?

Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.'


'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.



So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ..

there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.



'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!

Eet EES a bacon tree!'



'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;

We ees in the Desert don't forget.'



'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage
that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage,
ees a bacon tree'.



And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.



It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


'Pepe...go back man,you was right.ees not a bacon tree.'



'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?



'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...





Ees..........









Ees...











Ees.........









Ees....















... Eees a Ham Bush
 
A little motivational story.

For all of you who are having a bad day, here is something to cheer you up...it's a crack up! Next time you have a bad day at work...
Think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Western Australia .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to a radio station in Perth , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won!

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.
I wear a suit to the office.
It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the side of the suit.
I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until, all of a sudden, my arse started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my arse started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was already done.
In agony, I realised what had happened.
The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all in fits of hysterical laughter.
I was then instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the Medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got into the chamber.

Yes the cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bum.
Now repeat to yourself ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job'.
 
I was in the bookstore the other day and came across a book titled "Living with Parkinsons Disesase and Arthritis". I looked at the back to see what the critics had to say about it.


"After an initial shakey start, I just couldn't put this book down."
 
Just in case you haven't seen this already...




An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Frittzles daughter Alice.


"Alice?" he replied.... "Alice? Who the f*ck is Alice??"

"You mean for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice? .........!!!!!!!!"
 
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
her for €500. They did thei thing and before he left he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
cheque and mail it to her calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
cheque for €250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for €250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;

2 - there was plenty of heat; and

3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.


However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.'


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for
€250 with the following note:


'Dear Sir:

First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartmen to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady............
 
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway,
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder

again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again

he asks the little old lady,

" why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.


The puzzled driver asks,

"Why do you buy them then?"






The old lady replied,

"We just love the chocolate around them."
 
THE MEXICAN TIMEKEEPER!

An American couple were on honeymoon in Mexico City and were walking up the street having left both their watches in their hotel.

The husband says to his new wife “would you like a bite to eat babe? And a few beers etc” “Yes darling” She agrees and thinks it a brilliant idea.

The husband decides to find out the time and asks a Mexican sat on a bench alongside his standing donkey, “hey buddy can you tell me the time?” and the Mexican says “se se senor-senorita” and then catches hold of the Donkeys bollocks and says its 1-30 P.M. senor-senorita.

So the American say’s “thanks buddy” and they make their way to a downtown restaurante they eat their meal and have a few beers and a few tequilas, on returning they pass the same Mexican still sat on the same bench, alongside his standing donkey and the American guy said “excuser!! Me!! can you tell me the time please?”

The Mexican says “se se senor” catches hold of the donkey’s bollocks and says “its
4-30 pm senor-senorita” the American says “thanks buddy!! That’s terrific, But excuse me asking I am rather curios about the way you tell the time here in Mexico City! Can you tell me how you do it?”

“Well se se senor-senorita its really velly simple!! I catch hold of de donkey’s balls lift to one side I then see town hall clock!!!!!”
 
It was the best day of his life.
Sun was shining..he walked into the church.
Wife was waiting at the alter....he walked down the aisle
Got to the alter...kissed his wife on the cheek


And closed the fukcing lid!!!!
 
A woman decides to spice up her sex life and buy a pair of crotchless panties.

The first time she wears them she sits opposite her husband and slightly opens her legs.

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?" the husband asks.
"Yes, love" says the wife with a glint in her eye, to which the bloke replies,
"Thank ###### for that! I thought the sofa had burst"
 
Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
 
A woman comes home from a week at a beauty spa.She's had the full works and everything is scrubbed,revitalized and glowing.She finds her husband to show off her new look."so," she says "If you didn't know me,how old would you think i was?" "well," says her husband. "From the hair,i'd say 16.from your skin,about,22. Fom your figure..." "oh stop it," she giggles. "You're just flattering me." "Well hang on love," says the husband."I haven't added them up yet..."
 
Think before you speak...




Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak-
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realised that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh! and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak..........Merlin...
 
I staggered out of the pub and down the street, until I was stopped by a policeman.

He said, "Where do you think you're going in that state?"

I replied, "I'm going to a lecture."

He said, "Yeah, right. Who gives a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife," I said.
 
"My little nephew came to me and he said, 'Uncle, what's the difference between a hypothetical question and a realistic question?'". "I said, I don't know, but I said, 'Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd make love to the mailman for $50,000.'"
 
Duck says Got any bread?

Barman says no

Duck says Got any bread?

Barman says no

Duck says Got any bread?

Barman says no

Duck says Got any bread?

Barman says no I ferckin haven't and if you ask me again I will nail your beak to the bar

Duck says Got any nails?

Barman Says no

Duck says Got any bread?
 
This may just bring a smile to ones face?????????????????????????not forgetting its a joke........
biggrin.gif


Subject: Peter at the Gate

Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven. Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry Forrest' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overloaded of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's Cool' said Forrest. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked Forrest.

'The first' said St Peter, ' Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?

The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?

Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had
considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, 'I have.'

'Well then, 'said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'

Forrest said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that in deed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Just 12!'

'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?"?'

'Easy' said Forest , 'there's the second of January, the second of February
right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at Forrest and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. 'I'll allow the answer to
stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

Forrest replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer, Forrest?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy' said Forrest.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and
turning to Forrest, asked 'Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at
THAT answer?'

'Easy' said Forrest 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy
boiled.'

And Forrest entered Heaven...
________________________________________
 
A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. " He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "is your Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and them."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Pa."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50.00 for the bull and $25.00 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
 
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top O' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan, and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later when Mrs. Donovan was back in Dublin, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins, all boys, and four girls. There be ten in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doin'?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fecking candle!
 
One for the kids


Why does Noddy drive around in a little car, wear a blue hat and have a friend called big ears?











Cos hes a cnt
 
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