Jokes

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we had decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was just 22, had a very HOT slim figure, wore very short miniskirts or tight jeans, and generally went bra-less most of the time. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, brushing her long hair aside, and I always got more than a nice view of her ample cleavage. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else that I ever saw.

One day my Fiancé’s little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was still living with her parents, but she was all alone when I arrived. She quickly nuzzled up to me and whispered in a soft and sultry voice that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me, just once before I got married and committed my life with her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

Looking me straight in the eyes, she said in a sultry voice, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the stairs. She turned her head and winked at me seductively over her now bare shoulder, then while wiggling her nice bum, she scurried up to her bedroom.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Suddenly, before I got to my car, my entire future family came out of the bushes and was standing in the driveway, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"


The moral of the story...always keep your condoms in your car!
 
Three nuns who died at the same time arrived at the Pearly Gates simultaneously and intended to go straight in, but St Peter barred their way
'Just because you are nuns' he said 'doesn’t mean you barge in here without the religious test'.
'You' he said to the first nun 'What was the name of the first man?'
'Er Adam' she replied, and the bells clanged and the trumpets blew and in she went.
'You' said St Peter addressing the second nun 'What was the name of the first woman?'
'Er Eve' she replied, and the bells clanged and trumpets blew and in she went.
'You' said St Peter to the third quaking nun 'What were the first words Eve said to Adam?'
'Oh Gee, that’s a hard one' she said. And the bells clanged and the trumpets blew and in she went.
__________________
A bus full of nuns crashed over a cliff and they were soon lined up at the Pearly gates. St Peter produced a large vat of holy water for the nun test.
'If any of you have touched a man’s genitals you will have to wash your hands before passing the gates' he said
Three of the nuns came forward and washed their hands before passing through.
A fourth approached sheepishly, washed her hands in the holy water and opened her habit and washed her breasts before passing through.
A fifth nun, after washing her hands, lifted her skirt and splashed some holy water between her legs.
The nun next in line was heard to mutter
'Hey, go easy you guys, I've got to gargle with that stuff in a minute'
 
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.
First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him,
'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?'
She said: 'Wear sun-block.'
 
I went in to the bank the other day and asked the cashier to check my balance. She pushed me over.

What's the difference between an Irish investor and a pigeon?

A pigeon can still lay a deposit on a house...

Bad credit crunch jokes heard on the radio the other day!
 
Jewish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

 
After booking into his hotel, the bishop turns back to the receptionist.

"I trust", says his grace "that the pornography in my room is disabled?"

"No." came the reply "It's just regular porn. You sick bastard!"
 
A pretty city girl named Amy, married a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2X4 just above the cow's stall in the barn, so you can show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

Amy nods and the rancher and leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy then takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with a not-too-bright city girl, asks in a condescending tone, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple; by the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
 
GOTTA GO

Two female friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly tipsy and walking home they needed a wee, so topped off in the cemetery.

They had no tissues with them so one thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to be next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use the ribbon.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

'These girls' nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
 
Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up !!!!
 
nov1joke.jpg
 
Bloke walks into a butchers and asks if he has a pigs head.
Butcher replies, Why, Yes sir I do.
Bloke replies, give us half a pound of sausages then you porky faced cunt.
 
-- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
 
The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo". He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either me or the steward.."



Four jockeys are on their way home from the Grand National when the Ford Focus they are travelling in is hit by a lorry. The car bursts in flames and they all die.

One of the jockey's trainers is informed that his jockey has been killed and he needs to go down to the morgue to try and identify him - he is warned that all four jockeys are very badly burnt and hardly recognisable.

Inside the morgue, they pull back the sheet on the first body. "No, thats not him," said the trainer.

They pull back the sheet on the second. "Nope, thats not him."

The third. "No, that aint him either."

After pulling back the sheet on the fourth and final body, the trainer says "yep, that's the b*st*rd."

The mortician said, "that's amazing: these bodys are burnt to a crisp, and yet you have identified your jockey just like that, how?"

And the trainer said, "he has been my jockey for 3 years.....and he's never in the first three."
 
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,

The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

edit: appologies if any of these are on this thread already!
 
Deep south:
A coloured gent was found hanging, de-bowled, tongue cut out, legs cut off and covered in paint.

Chief of police said " Worst case of suicide I have ever seen"
 
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