Jokes

Senior moments

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
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An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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One more. . ...!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
 
Housework, in John’s opinion, was a woman's job, but one evening, Valerie arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that John had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well.

The next day, Valerie told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. John even cleaned up the kitchen.. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........... John was too tired.'

God is good.

Amen?
 
Cute little lad gets lost in a shopping mall. He begins to cry and a security guard comes over to him.

"Hey, li'l feller," he says kindly, "What's the matter? You lost your Ma and Pa?"

"No," snivels the little boy, "I'm out with Grampa and I losted him."

"Don't you worry, sonny," assures the guard, getting onto his radio. "I'll get on to this here radio, and we'll soon have your Gramps back with you. Now, just tell me, what's he like?"

The little boy begins to dry his tears and replies, "He likes Irish whiskey and girls with big tits."
 
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On a tour of an American Indian reservation, the group was introduced to the tribe's chief. "Do you have a wife, chief?" asked one of the group. "Sure do," replied the man, "her name is Five Horses Talking."

"Awww, that's a great name, sir" said one of the tourists. "I guess she was named through that old custom of her father waking up one morning, and naming the first thing he saw? Am I right?"

"Nearly right," said the chief. "In fact, I gave her the name, because all I hear all day is nag, nag, nag, nag and nag."
 
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both arrive at the Pearly Gates for admission to Heaven. They're greeted by an angel (St Pete having a day off), who says, "I'm very sorry, ladies, but right now we only have one place available. If you don't mind waiting a bit, I'll try and fit you in later. On the other hand, if one of you can come up with a reason why you should go in now and not later, I'll be happy to go along with that."

Dolly jumps up right away and pulls open the front of her already low blouse. "Check these babies out!" she chirps, revealing her considerable frontage. "Don't you think the good lord would rather look at these all day, than, uh, you know? The old lady's grey hair?" The angel agrees that she certainly has got an impressive display.

Meanwhile, the Queen has quietly drunk a bottle of Perrier water and now asks permission to use the heavenly loo. The angel shows her the way and after a minute, out she comes. Immediately, the angel says to Dolly, "Well, my dear, I'm afraid you're going to be the one in God's waiting room for a little while longer."

Dolly pouts and asks why - after all, all the Queen's done is go to the loo?

"Aha, I can explain that," replies the angel. "you see, even here in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!"
 
He says: "Darling, I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world!"

She says: "I'll miss you... "

---------------

Stan yelled to his wife, "It's so damn hot today! What do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn stark naked?"

Stan's wife yelled back, "Probably that I married you for your money!"
 
God and Adam

God & Adam

​

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What 's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as w ell.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?
 
A guy sets off hunting. Unfortunately, it's new terrain and just as he's taking aim at a deer, he misses his footing, tumbles, and the shot goes off into his private parts. It takes a long time for him to get to hospital, but after treatment, the doctor comes by his bed to see him. "Well, sir," he says cheerily, "good news - even though the buckshot hit your testicles, we've saved them. But the bad news is that there is quite a lot of shot damage to your penis, which will be real difficult for us to fix."

The man looks questioningly at the doctor. "But don't worry about that," continues the quack, "I'll refer you to my sister."

"Oh, she a plastic surgeon?" asks the holed hunter.

"Uh, not exactly," replies the doc. "She's the flute player with the Boston Symphony, and she'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
 
At Saturday service, the Rabbi announced he'd be leaving the synagogue for another which would pay him twice as much, and give him longer paid holiday. Being a very popular man, the worshippers immediately conferred. Up stood Abe Cohen, who owned a lot of car dealerships. "If the Rabbi agrees to stay, I'll give him a Cadillac for his own use, and the people carrier of his choice for the family." The Rabbi smiled broadly and thanked him.

Not to be outdone, Saul Myerson, a successful lawyer, stood up and promised the Rabbi that he'd make up the difference in income, paid holiday time, and pay for his kids to go to a prestigious college. The Rabbi smiled even more broadly, thanked him very much, and promised to give the two offers serious thought.

Just as everyone figured the Rabbi's tenure was secured, up stood 88 year-old Ethel Weinstock. "Just to be sure we keep the Rabbi, I'm going to offer him sex!" she called out. There were cries of amazement while the Rabbi, shocked, asked her, "Mrs Weinstock! Please! I know you're a fine, upstanding lady. What on earth made you say that?"

Mrs Weinstock sat down and pointed to her husband, who had both hands over his face, shaking his head in disbelief. "He told me to. I asked him what we could do to make you stay, and he said 'Fuck him'... "
 
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Doing the rounds at work:

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing the "father's details".

These are all genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned (sic) at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilised.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
 
From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement
A perfect example of government mismanagement.



Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years,it's parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name.
 
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proof that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
 
Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
 
The grandparents answering machine .......

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.

beeeeeeeppp ...

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "your arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre, start talking, we are listening."
 
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

 Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ..... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

 Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house.... built it myself!

 Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

 Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

 Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope.

Dave: - Well then, you're a w*nk*r.
 
A Woman's Poem

He didn't like my casserole,
He didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard,
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him one …
… like his mother used to do.
 
Currently doing the rounds at work - apologies to Desperate Dan & Co!!!


At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete p***k!"
 
Husbands are husbands


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of
the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.


Wife replied.. 'Your horse just phoned'....................................
 
Little Sam asks his dad for a bike for his birthday. 'I'm sorry son, it's just not possible. The mortgage is £80k, and your mum has just lost her job'.


The following morning, the dad sees young Sam heading towards the door pulling a suitcase.


'Where are you going?' asks the father.


'I went past your bedroom door last night and I heard you saying you were about to pull out. Mum told you to wait as she was coming too.

I'm not staying here on my own with an £80k mortgage and no f'ing bike!!' ​
 
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