Jokes

What do Kate Middleton and Osama Bin Laden have in common?

Last Sunday they both had their back doors smashed in then got shot in the face by a bloke in the navy.
 
Politically incorrect joke for Tuesday:

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amir

What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amir Azwell

What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amir Azwell Azim.
 
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Kate McCann has a lovely tan at the moment. I guess it's because she's been lying in the Sun all week.
 
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of telling me it's not so, as he normally would, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion;
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
“'How long will this take?” I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years.” my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.


Stupid, stupid man!!!!!!
 
My girlfriend just rang to say that Gavin from Autoglass has just injected his special resin into her crack. Im not normally suspicious, but ive got the car

&

I've just quit my job in a helium factory. I'm not being spoken to like that...
 
3 toitoises, Jim, Ray and Jeff go for a picnic 10 miles from where they live. It takes them 10 days to get there. When they arrive, they realise they have forgotten the bottle opener. Jim and Ray ask Jeff to go back for it. Jeff says 'feck off! by the time I get back, you two will have eaten all the sandwiches'. Jim and Ray promise not to eat the sandwiches, so Jeff agrees to go. 10 days pass, and no sign of Jeff. 20 days pass and still no sign of Jeff. Jim and Ray are fucking starving, but they promised not to eat the sandwiches so they don't. 25 days have passed, still no Jeff. Jim says to Ray, 'feck it. We are going to starve if we don't eat' so they start in on the sandwiches. Jeff jumps out from behind a rock and shouts ' I fucking knew it you pair of bollocks. Well that's it, I'm not going now!!'
 
:lol:

Sent to me via email, a joke told by Dustin Hoffman on the Graham Norton show (which some of you will have received from me):

A flea goes into a travel agency and asks the agent to find him somewhere smart, warm, and relaxing for a week's holiday, and suited to a flea. The agent riffles through some brochures and says, "Got just the perfect place for you! A week in Ringo Starr's hair! You'll have star treatment everywhere you go!" The flea and the agent laugh heartily at this dreadful pun.

So, the flea flies off and duly takes up his place in Ringo Starr's hair. After four days, he's back at the agency. "That was awful!" he storms. "The guy never stopped playing the bloody drums for his friends, and tossing his head around like a madman. Christ, you should have the migraine I've got!"

The agent apologises, riffles through some papers and says, "Wow! Short notice cancellation here - a week in Omar Sharif's moustache! Now he's one real classy guy - Monaco, Nice, Cap d'Antibes, Monte Carlo... "

"Done!" cries the flea, hopping onto another plane and jetting off to Omar's 'tache. Four days pass...

... and he's back again at the travel agency. "Oh, no, come on!" says the agent, looking aghast. "What's wrong this time?"

"I'll tell you wha- koff! - what's - gasp! - wrong!" wheezes the flea. "Yeah, sure we were at all the top night clubs. But he - koff-koff! - plays poker at these tables all night and smokes these damn great - gasp! - cheroots! Jeez, I was fumigated every night!"

The agent rolls his eyes at the spluttering flea. "Heck, I don't know how to help you, sir. Let me make a call." A moment later he's back, looking smug. "Now, I have just got you the most fantastic holiday of all time! You are going to be so impressed with this! I've got you... hold on tight now... I've got you a week in Bridget Bardot's muff! Howzat?"

The flea's eyes boggle. "Omigod! A week in La Bardot's lady garden? I don't believe it!" He grabs the boarding card and hops swiftly off to the airport. Only two days pass...

... and he's back again! Now the agent can't believe his eyes. "Just two days in BB's muff, and you're back? Do you know how many fleas would have given their right legs for that?"

The flea says, "Look, there was nothing wrong with BB or her muff. Boy, I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect: her scent, the champagne, the poolside, the lobster, the service... it all went fantastically until the second night, and then... and then I was back in friggin' Omar Sharif's moustache!"
 
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A man was sick and tired that his wife stayed at home every day. He wanted to know what she did all day and wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning the man awoke as his wife.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate;
awakened the kids;
set out their school clothes;
fed them breakfast;
packed their lunches;
drove them to school;
came home;
picked up the dry cleaning;
took it to the cleaners;
stopped at the bank to make a deposit;
went grocery shopping;
drove home to put away the groceries;
paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box;
bathed the dog;
Then, it was already 1 P.M and he hurried to …
make the beds;
do the laundry;
vacuum;
dust;
sweep and mop the kitchen floor;
ran to the school to pick up the kids;
got into an argument with them on the way home;
set out milk and cookies;
got the kids organized to do their homework;
set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad;
breaded the pork chops;
snappedfresh beans for supper.

After supper:
he cleaned the kitchen;
ran the dishwasher;
folded laundry;
bathed the kids;
put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back... Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though ...







… you got pregnant last night.'
 

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.
At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!" ​



​


 
A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car
salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph;
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal
to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police
car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as
he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on
earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to
the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of
the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a
reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years
ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
 
Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel: "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said: "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now Cameron has raised my fuel bills and increased Vat to 20%, I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
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redhead said:
Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel: "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said: "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now Cameron has raised my fuel bills and increased Vat to 20%, I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Click to expand...

We laughed out loud! :)
 
The problem women have with men is not that we are not listening. Women are not usually very clear.........

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Sugar Puffs, and then took her to Alton Towers. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a film, popcorn, fanta and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!!!'
 
An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of the tour he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!".
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The next patient sits up and declaims: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering bl'attle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle." "Well," says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"No, no," the Scottish doctor corrects him, "This is the Serious Burns Unit."
 
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects again.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist steps out of the office and returns a moment later, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
 
And John said unto Jesus, "Who are you Jesus?"

Jesus replied, "Who is it, that you say i am John?"

John replied, "Well Jesus, you are the ecstalogical manifestation of the ground of our being, the keyrgma of which find the ultimate meaning in our interpersonal relationships."

And Jesus said, "I'm a fucking what John?"
 
A guy walks up to a bar and as he's waiting to be served, he sees on a shelf behind the bar a large glass bowl, full of money. The barman comes over and he asks the barman what is it for.

The Barman says, "That's for the three challenges."

"Whats the three challenges?" he replies.

The barman says, "Pay me £20 and I will tell you and if you can complete them, then the money is yours."

So the guy hands over the £20.

"The first challenge is to put that Paddy over in the corner onto his back (the Paddy was built like a brick shithouse)

The second challenge is, in the garden we have a Rottweiller with a sore tooth and you hve to remove that tooth.

The third challenge is, the landlady hasn't been with a man or had sex for 20years, you have to make love to her."

"Ok" says the guy and he orders two large bottles of Irish Whiskey and two shot glasses and takes them over to the Paddy and starts pouring him shots being careful only to have a small one each time himself. At the end of the two bottles the Paddy is reeling and passes out falling on his back.

"Well done" says the barman, "Now the dog is in the garden."

The guy goes into the garden and for the next hour in the pub all you can hear is, Barking, growling, scratching, yelping and crashing noises, the sounds filling up the pub. Eventually the man staggers back into the pub, his clothes ripped to shreds, teeth and deep wounds pouring with blood.

He manages to get to the bar and holding on tightly, he says to the barman.

"Right, now where's the Landlady with the bad tooth."
 
Bazza: "I got banned by that Internet dating site you recommended to me."

Dazza: "Yeah? How come?"

Bazza: "You know where it asks you what you most want in a woman? Well, it seems that putting 'my penis' isn't an acceptable answer."
 
Patrick came out of the betting shop and noticed a young boy sobbing uncontrollably outside.

"Oh, now then, m'boy. What on earth is the matter?" he asked the youngster.

"I've j-just heard me Mammy's died, so she has," sobbed the lad.

"Oh, now, isn't that just terrible, son, terrible. You need a kind soul. Would you be after me taking you to Father Reilly?"

"Jayz, sor, sex is the last thing on me mind right now!"
 
That is soooooo bad! :lol: I shall use it next time I'm at Lingfield (Saturday) on one of the gatemen, who is our raceday punmaster. He'll love it, and will be recycling it as soon as he can.

I love puns - the more groanworthy, the better, so more if you can dig 'em up, Bar, please.
 
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly
and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their
partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier; just make several stops and stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember - You're in this
together-It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes", answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity can't be taught.......
 
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