Jokes

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze...
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus
 
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A man goes to the doctor one morning feeling unwell. After a thorough examination the doctor sits the man down and says 'Its bad news I'm afraid, you have Yellow 24'.

The man looks at the doctor anxiously and asks what that is.'Its a disease that quickly kills you' he says 'you have 24 hours to live'.
The man shaken leaves the doctors and goes home to his wife. Upon arrival he tells her all about how he as got Yellow 24 and that he as a day to live.

'Well' said the wife, 'what do you want to do before you die?' The man shakes his head in an unknowing way. The wife says 'well,you've never been to the bingo,why don't you come with me?' The husband agrees seeing little else worth doing.

He plays his first game and gets 4 corners,wins £20. Second game he gets a line, wins £50. Third game and he gets a full house and wins £200. He decides to play for the national prize and wins £350,000.

The manager walks up with his winning cheque and shakes his hand.
'I can't beleive it' he says, 'to win all those games on the trot you must be the luckiest man alive!'
The man looks at the manager in disbelief and says 'what do you mean, I've got Yellow 24!'

The manager says, 'I dont' beleive it,you've won the raffle too! BOOM BOOM!!
 
Courtesy of Popbitch

Q: What's the difference between Father Christmas
and Tiger Woods?
A: Father Christmas stops after three ho's.
 
During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin
When asked why he had such a long password, he said
"Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital"
 
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
 
Things are pretty bad at home at the minute,the wife is always moaning,says she's sick of me.
Football,rugby,cricket,always sport on the telly.
Anyways,I booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up.

By 9 o'clock,things were 10 times worse!






She still hadn't potted a single bloody red......
 
An English Teacher asks her class of eight year-olds to construct a sentence containing the word "fascinate".

"Yes, Mary, what is the sentence you have made?"

"I went to the Zoo last weekend and talked to the keeper of the bears. It was fascinating" said Mary.

"Thank you Mary. That is very good, but I asked you to use the word "fascinate" not "fascinating"."

"Yes Michael. What is your sentence?"

"Miss, my dad showed me how a car engine works and I was fascinated."

"Thank you Michael, but the word I wanted was "fascinate" not "fascinated"."

Johnny at the back raises his hand. The teacher's heart sinks, she's been caught out by him before and tries for several seconds to ignore him, but he is jumping up and down and waving his arm. Tentatively she says: "Yes Johnny, what is your sentence?"

Johnny gives a big grin and the teacher's heart sinks even further.

"My Auntie Trish has a cardigan with ten buttons on it, but she's got such big tits that she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sits down and cries.
 
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Why we should not flirt!!!!!!!



A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.. To which the husband replied,

“Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad ..... apparently he had the time of his life.”
 
Four friends spent weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what could they do?
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over... On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did.

And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So, here I am.
 
Eine Kleine Pressemeldung die Ich hoffe, wird du aufsuheitern
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'.
Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up confusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptans of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replacing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords containing 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor truble or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in xe forst plas.
Ve hop ziz mad you smil.
 
SOME ARE DEEMED AS RUDE? BUT THERE FECKING GOOD

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your cock.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two half inches wide, and drives women wild?
£20 notes.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and six ring donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
 
A lady takes her lifeless duck to the vet.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,"I'm so sorry,your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20.
But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
 
Ladies watch out!


This is very, very scary - so please be on your guard at all times!


You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.


My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.


My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck mewith earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.


Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?


When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story... Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?


THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.


WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.


By the way - these same thieves got into my closet and shrank my clothes!

How do they do it????

Thought this was too important not to pass on. Have a wonderful day.
 
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Man Utd have signed a new striker from Kabul FC. On his first day at training, Fergie picked up the ball and said "BALL", then pointed at the goal and said "GOAL", then demonstrated a kicking motion and said "KICK, UNDERSTAND, KICK", DO YOU UNDERSTAND............ KICK, BALL, GOAL, GOALLLLLLLL! The Afghan striker plucked up the courage and said, "excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English" to which Fergie replied, "Sit down son, I'm talking to Berbatov".
 
David Blaine is apparently gutted that his record of spending 42 days in a box doing feck all has been broken by Dimitar Berbatov!!

My mates just gone and got a new foreign girlfriend. Its taken her 5 days to hoover the house. He thought she was Polish but turns out she's a Slovak!

A German dwarf came to London and whilst there went to a prostitute.She thought 'he'll never manage,this should be easy money'. Just before he started he put a big spring on each elbow and knee and then shagged her senseless for 4 hours! She said breathlessly 'how did you manage that?' He said 'its my foursprung dwarf technique'!!!

Man sat in a restuarant gets hit on the back of the head with a prawn cocktail. He looks round and a bloke says ' thats just for fecking starters!!'
 
"Four-sprung dwarf technique"... kindly leave the stage! That's one of the worst/best puns I've heard in ages, and I work alongside a top punster at Lingfield. Were he not possibly a leetle more genteel than me, I'd tell it to him!
 
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