Jokes

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.



The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".



"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.



"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.



"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road, and I'm on my break. ", explains the duck.



The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.



This continues for 2 weeks (I normally carry on with the joke for two years). Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're

with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".



"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".



So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".



"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".



"At the circus", says the landlord.



"The circus?", the duck enquires.



"That's right", replies the landlord.



"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?", asks the duck.



"That's right!", says the landlord.



The duck looks confused, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"
 

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'


5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'​





 
One for the kids


Why does noddy wear a big blue hat and drive around in a little car with big ears?




Cos he's a c*nt
 

Subject: Coins.


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10-pences but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee upon hearing the sound of the commotion, looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Upon reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly, tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'”No”, the woman replied. “I'm with the Inland Revenue.
 

The late Andy Rooney
Too bad he’s not around anymore…..


ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!



 
Petrol Station

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'
 
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
 
*Subject:* *Beijing English - from a brochure circulated by a
5-star Chinese hotel.......*



*Getting There:**
*>> Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the
hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing
water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will
go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He
always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.



*The hotel:**
*>> This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are
always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in
the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in
the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are
not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no
guest is ever left alone to play with them self.



*The Restaurant:**
*>> Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At
dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.



*Your Room:**
*>> Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter,
every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of
outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since
the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.



*Bed:**
*>> Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have
any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of
her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear.
If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.



*Above all:**
*>> When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope.
You will struggle to forget it.

 
A prominent nutritionist was addressing a large audience at the Mayo Clinic....

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long~term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
WEDDING CAKE.................:lol:
 
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Church Ladies With Typewriters




They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------


Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------


Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------


Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------


Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------


This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weightatchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
 
At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,
"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
"You can just **** off."
 
After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks on time.'
 
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? says the presenter.

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin "

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?" says Mick.

"I'm fookin sure." says Paddy.

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" 　 The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a fookin clock!" replies Paddy
 

Some old some new............
An invisible man married an invisible woman - their kids were nothing to look at



I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.



When chemists die, they barium.



Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.



How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.



I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.



This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.



I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.



I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.



They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.



Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.



Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.



Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.



I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?



When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.



What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.



I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!



Broken pencils are pointless.



What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.



I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.



All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.



I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



Velcro - what a rip off!



Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.



Venison for dinner? Oh deer!



Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.



I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.



Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
 
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was
expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I
don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So off home he goes, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He holds it
up to his ear and begins to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Newcastle, Bolton, Sunderland, parts of
Stoke on Trent ,Brockville, Cape Cod, Huntley,
Clifton,Countesthorpe,Marple, and anywhere in Ireland

 
Subject: Quick thinking
A man in Newcastle walked into the produce section of his local ASDA
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in
that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old ******* outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had
followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and
this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy...........

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you
from son?"

"Wales, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Wales?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but nymphomaniacs and rugby players
there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is Welsh!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"
 
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.



When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.



One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."



Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.



At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound
sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to

Him, "Mike--Mike."



"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"



"Mike--it's me, Joe."



"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"



"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."



"Joe! Where are you?"



"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little
bad news."



"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.



"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better
yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better
than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time
and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and
pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and
we never get tired!!"



That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?



"You're in the team for this Saturday".
 
Severe
Weather Conditions


Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.





She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken barstard in.
 
Something from Liverpool

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer?

"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl.

"Ten?" says the welfare worker.

"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,
Nathan and Nathan."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.

"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames."
==============================================================================

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take that red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
===============================================================================

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
===============================================================================

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
===============================================================================

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
================================================================================

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
================================================================================

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day.
============================== ==================================================

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
================================================================================

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class rais es their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'

'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
=================================================================================

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
===================================================================================

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long, but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year.'
The Scouser said 'you’re bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
====================================================================================

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.
===========================================================================
 
Working For the Council

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm... ..but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment.

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollox. There's no point in you coming in for that."
 
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