Jokes

: A Romantic Dinner


A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour
a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table ".

The man calmly
looked up at her and
said, "No, she
didn't. She just walked in."
 
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped ALL members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a litre."
 
From Kim Bailey

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'　　

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.　

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a duck.........　　
 
Something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.



A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and
dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna
be something
special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And
the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
extra charge!"



"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What did he say?"




He said: "Who fecked up your hair?"

 
Apologies if it has appeared here before but this, from a football forum, made me laugh out loud:

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
 
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Great Jokes with a few good Yorkshire ones

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the sh*t out of them!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

 
> WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
>
> The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
> she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of
> your body goes first?'
>
> Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
>
> 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
> Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
> front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
>
> 'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your
> feet.'
>
> The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now,
> Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
>
> Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
> Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
>
> 'Oh God! I'm coming!'
>
>
>
> If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
>
> The nun had to leave the room.
 
The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'


(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
 
VENISON...
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams to her brother,
"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."
 
: Socially Incorrect & Unacceptable Humour



I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she
was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my bum! Do you think I should change dentists?


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point:
The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who else knew?

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Face Book.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f**king Muslims have added me as a friend!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip,
I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick barstard."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.


 
The world is nuts???
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.(A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (that's a bit worse than going blind)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.(But of course!)

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'(Is that great country or what? Well,.... not as great as Guam

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(Who volunteers for these tests?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(From drinking little bottles of ???)(Did our government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet..(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.(I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their arse.(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !





 
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.


Got him a Fosters ..... he didn't like it - I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram home.
 
I was in a pub last Saturday night

I was in a pub last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."






I replied "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices
you're missing.":D
 
Pun0graphy

PUN0GRAPHY

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

· I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
 
More puns plus

A VICAR goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first
Sunday after he gets his new teeth, his sermon lasts for only eight minutes..


The second Sunday, his sermon took only ten minutes.


The following
Sunday, he takes 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
they asked him what happened.

The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes.


The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes.


But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

(I love it when I make you smile ... And I KNOW you are smiling!)



PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED.

Puns for Educated Minds ....
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited
for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The
police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One
hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball
kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep
off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism
it's your count that votes.

19. If you jumped off the bridge
in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

20. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, it's me arse. I'd look ya at take a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "There is a £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.
"Well fur gudness sake take it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two fookin grand."
 
point.gif
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150
years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant;
the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to
play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".


19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
Miracle

According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine
A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc

And he managed to find 12 friends called
John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon
..... who all drank wine

That’s what I call a miracle.
 
Merlin the Magician said:
Miracle

According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine
A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc

And he managed to find 12 friends called
John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon
..... who all drank wine

That’s what I call a miracle.
Click to expand...

WTF? :blink:
 
10 or 11 years ago I'd say. Gamble will remember


I see that he still posts in the competitions.
 
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