Jokes

Sign in a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."

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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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And the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************
Sign on the back of another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"​
 
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I saw a sweet old lady in the park all alone so I walked over and said "Knock knock"

"Oooh", she smiled, "Who's there?"

"Nobody", I laughed, "All your friends are dead".
 
Today my wife said she had a head cold.I said "its probably caused by you being a fat *******.""how can being fat cause a cold?",she asked.I said,"coz your heads never out of the ******* fridge!!"
 
The Bell Ringer!


I hope you're ready for this one!!??


After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'..

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,







' .................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'


WAIT ! There's more

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.


'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'


(. . . Wait for it ...)










(.. . .. It's worth it.. ....)









'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'
 
HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________




My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway"

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning..the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
 
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern
European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's
supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.

Here's how the scam works:-
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to
your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both
start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket,
in my case, Tesco's.
You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over
to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and
thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice
yesterday.






So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this
scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets
are £1.75 and look better.
 
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Bangkok . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!'

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For ****** sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'


 

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyohotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, OR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
(Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME





 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy sod busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.



 
Australian Refuse Collector..................
A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. "No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
 
An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims “Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!”

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: “Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Laird be thankit.”

The next patient sits up and declaims: “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi’ bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi’ murdering prattle!”

“Well,” says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last.”

“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrects him, “This is the Burns Unit!”
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"







The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
  • Subject: Modern British idiots
  • IDIOT SIGHTING 1

    My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I     gave the clerk a £5 note.
  • Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
  • I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.' She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
    I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but         we do not do that kind of thing.'
    The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

    Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.
  • IDIOT SIGHTING 2

    We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told     us that one of our problems was that we did not
  • have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
    I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one     GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
  • He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
    I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not.
    Four is larger than two..'

    We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near         Watford .


    IDIOT SIGHTING 3

    I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the     Highways Department to request the removal of
  • the 'DEER CROSSING' sign On our road.
    The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of     road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

    Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.


    IDIOT SIGHTING 4

    My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco.     She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
  • He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

    From South Oxhey, Hertfordshire.


    IDIOT SIGHTING 5

    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport     employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your Knowledge?'
  • To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

    Happened at Luton Airport


    IDIOT SIGHTING 6

    The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to         cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
    She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.         I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing         driving?!'

    She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex.


    IDIOT SIGHTING 7

    When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our     car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
  • We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.
  • As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
  • 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'
    His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

    This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.


    STAY ALERT!
    They walk among us...
 
Irish Wit: Priceless

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next
time you're shagging your wife. The whole street
was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid
bastards because I wasn't even home yesterday."


Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take
them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think
it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to
me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl
yet".


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly
he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another,
then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers
about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about
all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air
freshener swinging about!"


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's
inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an
advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still
missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees
him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you
doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't fookin'
breathe".
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do
Scuba divers always fall backwards off their
boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell
forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to
drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his
own wife makes him walk.


Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury
foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I
can keep the money?'
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you
I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all
the time.'
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying
up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break
her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is
goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern
asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up
all night on their honeymoon waiting for their
sexual relations to arrive?


My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you
imagine giving up your sex life and then once a
week people come in to tell you the details and
highlights of theirs?
 
A guy goes to a party with a girl on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, "I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle"

Heard recently on BBC Radio Tees - Vintage Vinyl, what Sunday afternoons were made for :)
 
From Kim Bailey's blog

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .....'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!

Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
 
Nag, Nag,Nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
FIFTY SHADES IN REVERSE
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling
down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,


"Okay, Okay!!!





I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug barstard!!!"
 
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbour was on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was past midnight, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
“It just worked for me,” he replied.
 
An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

"Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
 
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