Jokes

My pet rat - Nathan - has whispered to me that my above posts may be in the wrong thread - I disagree, funny is funny and equals jokey. But I will post a traditional joke just to keep him happy.

I was in the kitchen and asked my niece for a phone book. She laughed at me for being out of date and told me to use her phone.

The spider is now dead, phone broken and one girl in tears
 
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Oldtimer said:
Some proper miserable people on this forum :(
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Maybe it's the jokes that are miserable? (But I do like the phone book one.)

Humour often doesn't travel across cultures, it should be noted, or maybe it's a purely individual thing. I know people who think yon Michael guy that does the wheel-thingy programme on TV is hilarious. I simply cannot raise a smile at his stuff yet Peter Kaye slays me.

Having been a member of a local Men's Shed for a couple of years now, I have to say the different levels of humour genuinely astound me. Some guys seem to find the most inane things hilarious and clever humour just goes miles over their head. (And the opposite for others, obviously.) Having taught for nearly 40 years there are some jokes I would just know NOT to tell in a staff room or to pupils. And certain humour just wouldn't work in a family situation.

I think one has to work at getting to know one's audience and adjust accordingly.

If you reckon nobody finds your jokes funny maybe you're not reading the room.

Try posting something funny and see how we respond ;)
 
A woman went to the vets with a very limp duck.the vet put it on the table and got his stethoscope and listened but the duck wasn't breathing, I'm sorry he said but it's dead.it can't be the woman screamed do some tests.the vet went out and fetched a black labradorite in and it stood on its back legs and sniffed the duck from top to bottom and looked at the vet and shook his head.the vet took him out and came in with a cat and put it on the table.the cat sniffed the duck meowed softly and shook it's head.
The vet printed out the bill for £150 the woman yelled 150 just to tell me it's dead.
The vet said it would have been £20 if you had believed me but the extra is for the Lab report and Cat scan.
 
D0 - would be almost impossible to post anything funnier than Early Doors. It's a classic and every bit as good as Fawlty Towers. Both can be watched over and over and still be hugely entertaining (nap)
 
George has a new neighbour. His name is Ifti he's from Pakistan. George is mowing his lawn with his new Apex mower when Ifti cries out ,"George you and me are equal I have a new Apex mower and you have a new Apex mower. George has also bought a new barbeque and Ifti calls out again with George you and me are equal....this happens several times until a few days later Ifti cries out..."Hey George I am better than you" George gets angry and shouts "how the fuck do you make that out" Ifti replies "Well I don't have an annoying Paki living next door to me"
 
Oldtimer said:
D0 - would be almost impossible to post anything funnier than Early Doors. It's a classic and every bit as good as Fawlty Towers. Both can be watched over and over and still be hugely entertaining (nap)
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Fawlty Towers was only funny now and again. (Then again, I can't stand John Cleese.)

Could never lay a glove on Only Fools And Horses.
 
Totally agree Dessie

Lotta people don't realize Faulty Towers only ran for 12 episodes over 4 years but is still regarded as the number 1 classic

Only Fools and Horses ran for 65 episodes over 12 years and rated 3rd.

The 2 Ronnies had some classic scenes and was close to the top 3
 
Tanlic said:
George has a new neighbour. His name is Ifti he's from Pakistan. George is mowing his lawn with his new Apex mower when Ifti cries out ,"George you and me are equal I have a new Apex mower and you have a new Apex mower. George has also bought a new barbeque and Ifti calls out again with George you and me are equal....this happens several times until a few days later Ifti cries out..."Hey George I am better than you" George gets angry and shouts "how the fuck do you make that out" Ifti replies "Well I don't have an annoying Paki living next door to me"
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Hi Tanlic - funny as it may seem to a lot of folks, let's try not to post jokes that can be viewed as racist. Thanks!
 
Try asking a bloke from Dudley what is the difference between a buffalo and a bison.

You'll probably get the answer that " yow cor wash yer 'ands in a buffalo".

[This is very silly and would only appeal to the very juvenile amongst us - like me].
 
Prostitute gets run over on a busy main street. A crowd quickly gathers around her,and a man pushes through saying "let me through,I'm a doctor".
Kneeling beside the hooker,he asks how she is.
"I can't see doctor,there's something wrong with my eyesight".
The medic raises his hand in front of her face an asks "how many fingers have I got up?"
The tart responds with a moan "F*** me,I'm paralysed as well".
 
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