Jokes

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself. That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
The man answered, Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air.
 
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Apparently every morning in life Beethoven rose at 5 o’clock and meticulously counted out exactly 60 coffee beans and made his ritual first drink of the working day.

Eventually a friend said to him, “So, Beethoven, what’s with the 60 beans?”

And Beethoven replied, “Pardon?”
 
I knew of a man that could balance ten old Irish pound coins on his flute while not etect. He was always looking to make the bet in a bar of a Sunday morning.
 
No, feel free to embarrass me in public - I've tried and tried to make some connection between him being deaf and coffee beans, but I'm clearly blonder than I thought !


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trudij said:
No, feel free to embarrass me in public - I've tried and tried to make some connection between him being deaf and coffee beans, but I'm clearly blonder than I thought !
Click to expand...

The coffee beans preamble is a simple misdirect as he couldn't have heard it. The story could have said he balanced ten coins on his whatever...
 
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A Lady was lying in hospital in a coma.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure, maybe she choked.'
 
Went for an interview for a blacksmiths the other day.
“Are you any good at shoeing horses?” they asked
“Dunno. But I once told a donkey to f*** off!”
 
Girl to Doctor: "I have a terrible problem doctor everytime I drop my panties my pussy starts whistling"

Doctor: Get out of here...don't be silly

Girl: I'm serious

Doctor : Ok take of your panties

Girl drops her panties and as sure as hell "Whistle!!!!!!!!"

Doctor: Good lord I don't believe this. I am amazed and can't explain this.... I need to get a second opinion

Please wait here...go behind that screen and when I ask you to I want you to take your panties of again

Few minutes later the Doctor accompanied by another doctor steps back into the room.

Doctor: Ok dear take them off he cries and as soon as she does WHISTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doctor 1 to Doctor 2: What does that sound like to you?

Doctor 2: Sound like some C.u.n.t whistling
 
My dog went missing the other night and i couldnt find it anywhere.my mate said i should look harder,so i shaved my head and got a tattoo but still couldnt find it.
 
Didn't know he was brown bread. RIP Merlin. He used to post a jokes thread on the TRF forum 10 years or so ago.
 
I thought I would surprise my midget girlfriend when she phoned and said she was on her way home from work.
So I brought her some flowers, chocolates and ran her a hot sink
 
I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"
 
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