Jokes

Birthday Boy!

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good
that morning.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy
Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
>>
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any Happy Birthday". I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
>>
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I
left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
>>
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,
Boss, Happy Birthday".
>>
And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked
until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
>>
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
>>
We went to lunch, we didn't go where we normally go; instead we went
out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.
>>
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
>>
I said, "No, I guess not."
>>
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
>>
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
think I'll go into the bedroom."
>>
"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
>>
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday!
>>
And I just sat there...
>>

On the couch...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
NAKED!!!
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
>with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry,
>what's your problem?"
>
>Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
>sister is in the
>3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
>should be in the 3rd grade too!"
>
>Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
>principal's office.
>
>While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
>explained to the principal what the situation was. The
>principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
>test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
>was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
>agreed.
>
>Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
>to him and he agreed to take the test.
>
>Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
>
>Harry: "9".
>
>Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
>
>Harry: "36".
>
>And so it went with every question the principal
>thought a 3rd grader should know.
>
>The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I
>think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
>
>Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
>questions."
>
>The principal and Harry both agreed.
>
>Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
>have only two of?"
>
>Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
>
>Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I
>do not have?"
>
>The principal wondered, why she would ask such a
>question!
>
>Harry replied: "Pockets."
>
>Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
>into?"
>
>Harry: "Pants"
>
>Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is
>hairy, oval, delicious and produces thin liquid?
>
>Harry: "Coconut."
>
>The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
>
>
>Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out
>soft and sticky?"
>
>The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
>could stop the answer.
>
>Harry: "Bubble gum"
>
>Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman
>does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
>
>Harry: "Shake hands."
>
>The principal was trembling.
>
>Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
>'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
>
>Harry: "Firetruck"
>
>The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
>teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
>seven questions wrong!"
 
Would You Remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Sh*t."
 
That jokes works better if you end on the left-handed line. Are there ANY new jokes out there?
 
The Way Children See Things



NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY: My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added , "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS- UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
 
Two Builders

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't mast*rbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your se_x life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive . thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wan_ker
 
:o Beware!!!!! . There are a number of hoax viruses doing the rounds.

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORETTA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows

:rolleyes:
 
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with

her for £500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not

have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a cheque and

mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."



On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realising that the

whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a

cheque for £250 and enclosed the following typed note:



Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a cheque in the amount of £250 for rent of your

apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented

the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.


However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there

wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for

£250 with the following note:


Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment

to remain unoccupied indefinitely.


As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you

don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.


Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present

landlady.
 
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.


Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
 
Apologies if this has been posted before!

Bloke pinches his wife's bum, saying " Y'know, if you firmed this up, you could get rid of some of this wobble."

Although annoyed, she decides not to rise to the bait and says nothing.

Later that night in bed, the husband squeezes her tits and says, " Y'know, if you firmed these up, you could get rid of all those expensive bras!"

By now, she's fuming, so she reaches over, grabs his dick and says " Ha, y'know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the milkman and your fucking brother!"
 
:lol:
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £8.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be £24 -30p." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning out the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes in life.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I! would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there ."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something like that, but you'll always have as much money as you need for as long as you live."

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man proudly.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man looks a bit crest fallen, sighs, pauses, and answers well!, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
:o :o :o
man was drinking whiskey doubles at the pub all night.
The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. He stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.
So he decided to crawl the mile to his home. When he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same result.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling up the stairs to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.


"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
 
Originally posted by Melendez@Sep 22 2005, 11:52 AM
That won't see the other side of midday.
Click to expand...
I know, i`ve had two or three jokes deleted from this thread.
How about this one:

The queen mum goes up to heaven and bumps into Princess Di and stops to chat.
During the conversation she says to Di that she would like a halo as big as Di's.
Diana replies "piss off you bitch ... this isn't a halo
its a fucking steering wheel !!!"
 
Originally posted by Diminuendo@Sep 22 2005, 12:03 PM
I thought the jokes thread was supposed to make people laugh.
Click to expand...
Well i laughed out loud when i read them. I see Desert Orchid (is she a relation to Mary Whitehouse?) wasn`t impressed.
 
Euronymous,

While I'm not bothered by the jokes myself, the point has been made a number of times that this is not exclusively an adult site - i.e. children are liable to read this stuff.
 
Whatever. I`m sure it`s more to do with saving parents blushes than actual harm it may do to a child.

EDIT: I`ve edited down the "bad bits"
 
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