Jokes

Don't say this to a cop






The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
 
Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem,you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
 
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
 
Thought for the day ......................

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :o :D
 
Talking Horses


Three race horses stood in their stalls.
One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged.
The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!"

Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!"

This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls.

The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them."

The horses looked at each other in amazement and One gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"
 
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,

"When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying:

"Oh! God, I'm coming! and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."


:P
 
:o
In a Bangkok temple:

"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."



Cocktail lounge, Norway:

"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."



Doctors office, Rome:

"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.



Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.



In a Nairobi restaurant:

"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE DANAGER."



In India:

"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."



On a poster at Kencom:

"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."



In a City restaurant:

"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."



At a cemetery:

"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."



Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."



On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."



In a Tokyo bar:

"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."



Hotel, Yugoslavia:

"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."



Hotel, Japan:

"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."



In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."



A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT

UNLESS

THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."



Hotel, Zurich:

"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."



Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"



The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."



In a Swiss mountain inn:

"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."



Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."



A laundry in Rome:

"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
 
:o :P

The Leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat
terrorism and we are being encouraged to demonstrate against
these terrorists this Friday at 15:00 hours. It is a
well-known fact that Al-Qaeda are against alcohol
consumption and think it is sinful to look at a naked woman.
Therefore, at 15:00 hours this Friday, all women should run
naked through the office while men chase them with a beer in
their hands. This is the best way to show our disgust for
Al-Qaeda and will hopefully help us in detecting the terrorists
amongst us, so anybody who does not do as proposed will be
deemed a terrorist, denounced to the world and shot.



:P :P
 
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
What are you so happy about" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I,of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love
all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable."

"Fantastic" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky b*stard. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"
 
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eyelid, the old man replied,

"Got drunk once and sh@gged a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son??
 
THE WELSHMAN !!

A Welshman enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at a table nearby.... alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.

The Welshman, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over three million in the bank." "But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!!!
 
A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down
the High Street one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop
for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers
that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few
copies are available in store there and then. Naturally, being a World
renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks
the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp
sounds from around the Globe".

A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European
Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his
headphones on and a puzzled _expression on his face. He removes the
headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales
persons attention.

"Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of
European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around
the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are
no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar".

The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the
World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed
listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps
returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few
seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young
fellow there.

"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned
expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to
"Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are
no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been
listening to the correct recording?"

Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently
playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses ...







...."Oops, sorry sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"
 
:o It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath.

A young nun, Sister Magdelene, prepared the bath water and towels as instructed by one of the older nuns. Sister Magdelene was also instructed not to look at Fr.
John's nakedness if she could help it and to do whatever he told her to do.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdelene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, Sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did this fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him, he guided my hand between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun.

Sister Magdelene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of Salvation and eternal peace. And then Fr. John guided his Key to Heaven into my Lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
 
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