Jokes
- Thread starter Merlin the Magician
- Start date
I've just received a copy of our community newsletter, and some wag has put in all of Merlin's 'crazy foreign signs' contribution, but with some of their origins changed - the one about the road being under water is now attributed to the Athi River Highway between Mombasa and Nairobi in Kenya!
I've a feeling people make some of these up to suit where they've been.
I've a feeling people make some of these up to suit where they've been.
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Dear Colleagues
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however realize
the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner.
1)TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't
know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be taking the p___ss!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting!
INSTEAD OF: What the f___ is that !
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: this load
of b__llocks won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his
head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me ?
INSTEAD OF: Get st__ffed.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ right
off with that.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however realize
the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner.
1)TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't
know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be taking the p___ss!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting!
INSTEAD OF: What the f___ is that !
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: this load
of b__llocks won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his
head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me ?
INSTEAD OF: Get st__ffed.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ right
off with that.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
Ah, the legendary bloke I work with always tells it straight - he was not happy to discover Matt Chapman had obtained his number. He rang the other day wanting him to speak for 'Get On' - the diplomatic response was "F**k off - I'm busy"!!
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says,
"Flip dat. Dis budgie jumping is too flippin dangerous for me!" .
Scroll down - THERE'S MORE
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" ..
Scroll down - IT IS NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Flip dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hen-gliding! - too flippin dangerous for me."
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says,
"Flip dat. Dis budgie jumping is too flippin dangerous for me!" .
Scroll down - THERE'S MORE
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" ..
Scroll down - IT IS NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Flip dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hen-gliding! - too flippin dangerous for me."
Muttley
At the Start
Ouch!!
"The Headache"
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a newsuit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for amoment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years".
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked
"How about some new underwear?"
He thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
"The Headache"
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a newsuit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for amoment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years".
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked
"How about some new underwear?"
He thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Dear old couple, married for 50 years, still active in the sack - they have a code word for any time either of them feels like doing the wild thing, this code word being 'washing machine'.
One evening, they're in bed and he feels in the mood, so he leans over and says to her, "washing machine". As she's had a long day and got a bit of a headache, she tells him she's not in the mood and rolls over. After a bit, she starts to feel a bit sorry for him, so turns back to him and whispers in his ear "washing machine".
So he says,"It's OK, dear, it was only a small load, so I did it by hand..."
One evening, they're in bed and he feels in the mood, so he leans over and says to her, "washing machine". As she's had a long day and got a bit of a headache, she tells him she's not in the mood and rolls over. After a bit, she starts to feel a bit sorry for him, so turns back to him and whispers in his ear "washing machine".
So he says,"It's OK, dear, it was only a small load, so I did it by hand..."
Shadow Leader
At the Start
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2003
- Messages
- 9,884
:lol: :lol: Very good!!
Muttley
At the Start
Sorry it's in upper case ....
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND
EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED,
"I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS"
ONE YEAR, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID,
"ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT
NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE.
ESTHER REPLIED,
"MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, "FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL,
I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE
ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU. BUT IF YOU SAY
ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS".
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEOUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS
HEARD. HE DID ALL HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I
DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED."
MORRIS REPLIED
"WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND
EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED,
"I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS"
ONE YEAR, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID,
"ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT
NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE.
ESTHER REPLIED,
"MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, "FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL,
I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE
ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU. BUT IF YOU SAY
ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS".
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEOUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS
HEARD. HE DID ALL HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I
DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED."
MORRIS REPLIED
"WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
:lol:
betsmate
At the Start
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2004
- Messages
- 5,752
An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.
He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to
join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which
the priest says "no". He baits the hook for the priest and says,
"Give it a shot father.".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles
to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says
"Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" The priest says, "Uh,
please, the Lord is watching would you please mind your
language?"
"I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but
that's what this fish is called - a fucker!"
"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies.
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and
spots the bishop. "Look at this big fucker Bishop". Shocked, the bishop
says, "Please, mind your language; this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," explains the priest, "that's what
this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
"Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it
for dinner," exclaims the bishop.
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the
Mother Superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner
tonight?" he asks her. "My lord, what language!" she says. "No, Sister, "he
explains "that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught the
fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like you to cook the fucker."
Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that fucker tonight."
That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them,
and they all think the fish is great.
He asks where they got it. "I caught the fucker!" the priest
cries proudly. "And I cleaned the fucker!" cries the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" finished the Mother Superior
There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a
minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his
hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large
whisky and says:
"You know what? You cunts are alright."
He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to
join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which
the priest says "no". He baits the hook for the priest and says,
"Give it a shot father.".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles
to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says
"Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" The priest says, "Uh,
please, the Lord is watching would you please mind your
language?"
"I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but
that's what this fish is called - a fucker!"
"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies.
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and
spots the bishop. "Look at this big fucker Bishop". Shocked, the bishop
says, "Please, mind your language; this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," explains the priest, "that's what
this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
"Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it
for dinner," exclaims the bishop.
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the
Mother Superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner
tonight?" he asks her. "My lord, what language!" she says. "No, Sister, "he
explains "that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught the
fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like you to cook the fucker."
Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that fucker tonight."
That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them,
and they all think the fish is great.
He asks where they got it. "I caught the fucker!" the priest
cries proudly. "And I cleaned the fucker!" cries the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" finished the Mother Superior
There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a
minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his
hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large
whisky and says:
"You know what? You cunts are alright."
A
Ardross
Guest
:lol:
A
Ardross
Guest
Looks like the White Zinfandel was corked tonight
simmo
Senior Jockey
I recall once, when my father took his nine year old son (that'll be me then) and sat him on his knee and said to him, "Now son, you were caught swearing earlier. I want you to tell me all of the swear words you know". 6 hours later, he had developed a hugely perplexed expression and smoked about 40 fags.
I swear the fucker was taking notes.
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
just glad it was not me that posted it????? 
:angy:
:angy:
Merlin the Magician
At the Start
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
archie
Senior Jockey
Apologies if this has appeared before..
Apparently there's a new craze in Yorkshire for injecting Ecstasy into the mouth. Officially known as E By Gum.
Apparently there's a new craze in Yorkshire for injecting Ecstasy into the mouth. Officially known as E By Gum.
Diamond Geezer
Gone But Not Forgotten
- Joined
- May 2, 2003
- Messages
- 13,884
A blonde had just written off her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police arrived.
"My God!" the policeman gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. "Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police arrived.
"My God!" the policeman gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. "Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."