Jokes

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Do you remember when I met you and you were on 16?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a
chair beside him. The husband continues...."Do you remember when he
shoved a shotgun in my face and said. "Either you marry my daughter, or I
will send you to jail for 20 years?" I remember that too" she replies
softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....."I would have gotten out today."
 
>> A little joke to brighten your day....
> >>
> >> Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer
>when
> >he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
>little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You
>sign!"
> >> Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is
>standing
> >> there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell
>louder,
> >>
> >> "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got
>the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a
>knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is
>back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under
>Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
> >>
> >> Mr Mandela is getting a bit fed up by now, so he pushes the little
>Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I
>don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
> >>
> >> The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
>hears
> >> a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same
>little
> >> Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You
>sign!
> >You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
> >>
> >> This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little
>man
> >> by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do
>you
> >> understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give
>these
> >> to?
> >>
> >> The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard,
>and
> >
> >> Says:
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> (Wait for it)
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> (Get your best Chinese accent ready)
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> :
> >> "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
>
>
 
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on the way to work on a snowy, freezing cold Monday morning. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are total write-offs but amazingly neither is hurt.

God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left , but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies: "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

They can be evil.

Don't mess with them.
 
It's no joke - it's a salutary warning

Anyway, I've been away for a couple of days and loking in on my return I see that the Joke thread is now for slaggers off, deleters and arguments on points of the philosophy of humour
 
:o and I agree Brian there are some fables(for want of a better word) that need to be left alone in CHIT CHAT as they loose their impact (I am a fully grown mature man, and well aware what goes where and if I was to make a mistake I would contact a mod and ask them to move it to the appropiate thread) and not put them into the jokes box regardless.

As I said before but mine ALWAYS get moved that was my point REKEEL nothing more sinister than that....

and being that I aint been around that often these last few days(been busy as a bee) :P I also missed the happenings/goings on's or coming offs :o that supposedely went on in there.......

So not guilty M'LORD

A LEVEL PLAYING FIELD FOR ALL IS MY REQUEST AND AT PRESENT IT DON'T EXIST.....................
 
Hi all,

Long time reader, first time poster, here...

Stolen from elsewhere....

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an
accident."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the
President looks up and asks:

'How many is a Brazillion?'
 
I BEG YOUR PARDON BTB who the fcuk are you talking too...................


I don't think what I posted is out of order its a fact of life nothing else.........

I dont see you posting any??? they may not be up your street but others like
them.....

THE ANSWER WAS TO RELKEEL ...............
 
THAT'S SURELY MY CHOICE BTB I get p/m's to post my jokes and if you think a post is out of order due to someone requiring a level playing field for all and free speech for all ...........

not all posts that you post do I read.... but again that's my choice so why make an issue when I make a post that I require the same treatment for ALL on this board..

I think your slightly out of order in your assumption thread mate.............. full stop....
 
Love all of those! Merlin, you've treated yourself to a new joke book recently, haven't you? :lol: Excellent, all of them. I'm always impressed by groanworthy jokes like Nissan Main Dealer, because someone gets hold of a name and fools around with it, then makes a whole joke from that. I wish I could make up good jokes. (Instead of the rubbish I try out on my old Mum.) Right, off to try these out on the poor old girl now...
 
Brian, as far as I know you've never deleted anything as you don't like censorship. If you want to have a pop at me, fair enough, but the two so-called jokes removed caused offence, and I think when someone has to open up a topic objecting to them, they've gone far enough. And since when was it wrong to discuss the nature of humour? Have another holiday, and come back cheerful!
 
I am never less than cheerful. I'm just surprised by the amount of deleting that I read has gone on lately - as I haven't always been here it may be that people are exaggerating.
 
Originally posted by Relkeel@Sep 23 2005, 11:57 AM
Please can we get this moved to the "Jokes" thread before Merlin goes mental again.

:what:
Click to expand...

I hate to say I told you so......





(BTW, I mean no personal offence to you Merlin. I'm just having a larf.)
 
To be fair Brian, I saw the first joke that was deleted & to say that it was a bit close to the knuckle would be a major understatement. It was certainly pretty offensive & obscene.
 
Others have told me the same and it certainly sounds like that one should have been zapped - but there does seem to have been a bit of a spate of deletions (according to what I've read on here)
 
COME ON WHATS A MATTER WITH EVERYONE... seems like you have ALL been given BAD NEWS............... :rolleyes:

I missed the deleted JOKES threads..... but when I agree with BRIAN that some posts need to remain in CHIT CHAT (I then put in a reminder regards a level playing field) and there should be a level playing field for ALL there's a barrage of words against me and my jokes.... let me say again FOR ALL TO READ....including BAR THE BULL.....

(I was very aware that RELKEEL was having a LARF then it gets taken out of ALL context..)

I am not really worried :cry: if you don't like my jokes some I write myself others are sent to me so if I think them as being funny? I post them on the jokes thread there are some I don't post as I don't deem them as being funny... everyone to their own humour I don't like BLACKADDER it gets the off treatment if it appears on my t/v...........

But I LIKE 99% of all other humour on the t/v so sorry if I have offended a few or a lot, but all you need do in the future, is don't read MY JOKES then you won't have to pass any comments !! simple really............. :angry: :rolleyes:
 
Merlin, please!! You've made your point!!!

However, BtB has a good point that you seem to come up with new jokes all the time, often at least one a day, so putting them in the jokes thread rather than littering the place with threads that contain one joke & no replies does seem to be much the most sensible idea.
 
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