Jokes

An old lady in the peoples home still retained her libido but as happens when everything has succumbed to gravity, she had no admirers.
One day she had a sudden urge that she couldn't control and walked into the lounge and shouted " any man who can guess what I have in my hand can have sex with me"
An old man shouted back " An elephant"

" near enough" said the old lady
 
Oh, God, I see my future in Crumbly Towers all too clearly now... thanks, 22, for the handy tip for 10 years' time. :(
 
Three football fans in a pub. One of them sees a twenty pound note in the fish tank. The landlord tells them that anyone who gets it out before the piranha eats their hand gets to keep it. The Gooner puts his hand in but the piranha bites off two of his fingers. The second whos a West Ham fan waits until the fish looks the other way and then puts his hand in, but pulls out with his entire left hand missing. A Chelsea fan puts his hand in and pulls out the twenty. The landlord ask how he managed it and Chelsea fan shows him his hand where tattooed across his knucles is" CHELSEA 2005 European Champions". The landlord says "Ah now I understand , not even an effin piranha would swallow that load of sh1t"
 
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy


:D
 
krizon.
My joke was a compliment to Women,or do you know ANY woman who could get down to the level required to reach equality?
 
My plea was in jest, old bean - Heaven forfend we should be denied the dazzling wit this section displays...









... at least twice a year. ;)
 
Two tourists were driving through North Wales.

At Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole, they stopped for lunch.

One tourist asked the waitress,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? There is money riding on this.

Would you please pronounce where we are ........... very slowly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over and said "Bu---rrr-gu--rrr-Ki--nngg..."
 
1945....

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the pharmacist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence."
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy. A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks into the pharmacy again, and back to the pharmacist. "The regiment has taken a vote,"

"................We'll have a new one".
 
A definite coat-getter:

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".

The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."
 
Talking of going down


Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,








Wait for it............




















"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
 
Wullie walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his 16 stone red-haired wife, Morag, is in bed, reading the 'Peoples Friend'. "This," says Wullie, " is the pig I've been shaggin' when you're nae aboot." "Wullie," the wife says, "That's nae a pig. That's a sheep." "Haud yer tongue woman," says Wullie. "I wisnae talking to you."
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The
ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands
together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and
put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How
does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm actually his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
 
Originally posted by Diamond Geezer@Apr 29 2005, 06:20 PM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm actually his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Click to expand...
I nearly did just reading it :lol:
 
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