Jokes

This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. "Where is he?" he shouts. "Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?" "I don't know what you're talking about" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. "Aha!" he thinks, "That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife." He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.

So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter says "You don't belong here; go to Hell." He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me." St. Peter wags his finger and says "I heard about you... you go to Hell too." He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
 
Christmas Present

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:



Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris


:lol:
 
An 8yo girl is out walking her dog in the park one Sunday morning. An elderly man, also out walking his dog, comes from the other direction, and as they pass each other, the little girl stops and says;

"Good morning, sir. And isn't it a lovely morning?"

The elderly man is somewhat non-plussed at such manners in a youngster, but responds;

"Good morning, little girl. Yes, it is a lovely morning"

The little girl replies;

"Yes it is, isn't it. That's why I'm wearing my prettiest dress, and have my hair done in ringlets. I love sunny days for walking my dog. Do you think my dress is pretty?"

The man compliments her on her dress and hair, and says "I have to say, little girl, you are very polite".

"Yes", she replies "my mummy always tells me that I have to be polite to grown-ups at all times. You have a very nice dog. Do you like my dog?"

The man responds "Why yes, your dog is very handsome indeed. What is his name"

"Porky" replies the little girl.

The man says "Porky? What an unusual name for a dog. How did he get his name?"

"Well" says the little girl "it's because he fucks pigs"
 
Apologies if already entered.

For all those who have abandoned their New Year Resolutions.

DIET FOR STRESSED WOMEN This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
I have found that it REALLY works!!
BREAKFAST:* 1 Grapefruit* 1 Slice Whole-wheat toast* 1 Cup Skimmed Milk
LUNCH* 1 Small Portion Lean Steamed Chicken with Cup of Spinach* 1 Cup Herbal Tea* 1 Penguin Biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA* The Rest of the Penguins from the packet* 1 Tub Gino Ginelli Ice Cream with chocolate topping
DINNER* 4 Bottles of Wine (Red or White)* 2 Loaves of Garlic Bread* 1 Family size supreme pizza* 3 Snickers Bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK* 1 Whole Cheesecake (Eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: 'Stressed' spelt backwards is 'desserts.'

Here's some advice for you: Doctors proclaim the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things that you have started. I've looked around my house to find all the things that I've started and hadn't finished. I've just finished off a bottle of vodka, a bottle of chardonnay and bottle of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Pingeuns, tha 'mainder of botl Prozic an Valum prscriptins, the res of the chesescke, an a bax a cholates. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel!!Peas sen dis orn to dem you fel AR in ned ov inr pece..................................................hic!
 
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A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a
haircut before the next day's meeting, he called the desk clerk to ask
if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk
told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending
machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted £10,
and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started
to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which showed the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, £5

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and
the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service
Men Need
When Away from Their Wives, 50P .'
The salesman looked both ways, put 50P in the machine, unzipped his fly,
and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the
machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the
salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit..
 
Little Sam asks his dad for a bike for his birthday. 'I'm sorry son, it's just not possible. The mortgage is £80k, and your mum has just lost her job'. The following morning, the dad sees young Sam heading towards the door pulling a suitcase. 'Where are you going?' asks the father. 'I went past your bedroom door last night and I heard you saying you were about to pull out. Mum told you to wait as she was coming too. I'm not staying here on my own with an £80k mortgage and no f'ing bike!!'
 
Do you ever worry about the Health Service?

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow


1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: - Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home..

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.



Please stay away from hospitals!
 
Joe was having terrible headaches and he went to see his doctor.
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache and the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 42 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then s aid, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34'.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
 
I've been thinking about the worlds creation lately wondering who to believe, Darwin or God, After much deliberation I suddenly thought of something, Science flies you to the moon, Religion flies you into buildings. It really is a no brainer when you think about it.
 
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the
other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
''Why?' says the blonde.
The boys says:
'Because I'm the f#cking goalie'
 
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Beer contains female hormones


Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.




It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.....
 
Thirteen year old Alfie Patten has joined Fathers For Justice. He doesn't understand the politics, but he already has a spiderman costume....
 
Types of Computer Women
* HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,
FOREVER. !!!

* WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right,
but you can't live without her.

* EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly
use her for only four of your basic needs.

* SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least
she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

* INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!

* SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when
you need her.

* MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look
very beautiful.

* CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and
faster!!!

* E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain
nonsense.

* VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting
her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your
resources. If you try to un-install her, you will lose almost every thing.
If you don't try to un-install her, you will still have nothing.
 
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
 
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
"Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic"
'The priest replied "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that"
''There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays"
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. Two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven"
''Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.I do have one more question"
''And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
Underwear Dust

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your arse!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of the drawer.
"What the hell is this??" he said to himself, as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April!" he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied...

"It's not talcum powder.... It's 'Miracle Grow!!"
boobs.gif
 
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Chinese Food
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'



(You're going to love this........................... )









'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck
 
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT =0
D

(This one is too funny to not forward.)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly,

so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be
super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved

a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but
I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us
on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without m
issing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank
you. Tray-up, Bitch'
 
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
 
HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?'

She said: '"Wear sun-block"
 
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