Jokes

It came with lovely pictures of dancing brooms as well on the e-mail. It probably loses something for not being able to paste them in.
 
A colleague told me this one tonight :

Three surgeons were having a drink and discussing their success stories. The first one, a French surgeon, said that he had transplanted a lung from a man in Paris into a man in Cannes and he was looking for work within 6 weeks. Pah! That's nothing, said the German doctor; "I transplanted a heart into a man in Frankfurt from a man in Berlin and he was looking for work within 4 weeks". Now it was the turn of the English surgeon : "Well, we transplanted an arsehole from Scotland into 10 Downing Street and now fucking everybody is looking for work"
 
(I put this one up on FF a few months ago, so FFers, don't bother to read any further!)

Old Hank and Martha are sittin' in their rocking chairs, out on their front porch in Alabammy, just a-sippin' their Mint Juleps and thinking about old times.

After a while watching the sun setting, Hank turns to Martha and asks, "Martha, honey, you remember them good ole days when we wuz young 'uns?"

Martha nods her head in time to her rocking chair. "Sho' do, Hank, honey. Sho' do.'

Hank sips on his Julep, and then sighs, "Heck, they wuz some good times, Martha. You remember those parties in the old barn? They wuz great, wurn't they?"

Martha nods her head again and agrees with Hank: "They sho' wuz, honey. They sho' wuz."

They both continue a-sippin' and a-rockin' for a while more, while the crickets start chirpin' and the bull toads a-gruntin'.

"Martha," asks Hank, after a while more, "do you remember the waltz, and the foxtrot, an' all that?"

Martha sighs and leans back, rocking away, watching the early stars come out. "Yes, Hank, honey. I remember - it was a long time ago, mind, a long time ago."

Hank refills his Julep from the jug and looks at Martha. "Say, darlin', you ever remember the minuet?"

"Oh, Jeez, Hank!" says Martha, frowning. "It's so long ago! I can't even remember all the men I ferked!"

--------------------------------------------------

The Mayor of the city has just opened the new, state-of-the-art psychiatric wing of the city's smart hospital, and along with his entourage is taken on a tour of the facilities. While admiring the pastel-coloured lounges, the widescreen tv's and the fresh flowers everywhere, he asks the Director, "Tell me, Director, what methods do you use in determining whether someone is mentally unstable?"

The Director smiles, "Oh, we initially use a simple method called the bath-tub test, Mayor. We fill up a bath-tub with water, and then ask the patient whether they'd like a teaspoon, a cup, or a bucket to empty it out."

"Aha! Brilliant! Well, of course, they're mad if they don't ask for the bucket, right? I guess I'm pretty sane, huh, doc?" cries the Mayor, winking and grinning at his entourage, who laugh dutifully.

"Uhhh... no, actually," replies the Director. "The sane ones just pull the plug out."
 
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There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle and whose given
name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call
him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good
morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made
love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She
hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
die!

Why ???




OH, come on... take a guess !!!





Think about it !!!



You're going to love this !!!










Everyone knows...



You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!
 
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
 
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 > = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit
and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'
 
Is this just a coincidence?

2007 - Chinese year of the chicken-Bird flu devastates parts of Asia.
2008 - Chinese year of the horse-Equine influenza decimates Australian racing.
2009 - Chinese year of the pig-Swine flu pandemic kills hundreds of people across the globe.

Next year is 2010- chinese year for the cock- Is it too early to panic?
 
A letter from Grandma

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
 
In the year 2009 the Lord came unto Noah - who was now living in England - and said: "Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared. "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

"My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

"We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Government is beating me to it."
 
This is doing the email rounds this morning!

Beautiful Australian Manufactured DISPLAY CABINET for sale, one of the most elegant and functional display cabinets currently on the market. Features.....
Fine timber details.. 4 leadlight options
4 side access doors (there is maximum frontal display)
Adjustable shelves are extra deep to accommodate large items
Halogen down lights ...Mirror back with glass shelves provide max illumination of collectables from top to bottom.
To give indication of size of the Cabinet it previously held the following:
Rugby League World Cup and Rugby Union World Cup
International Rules Trophy
Tri Nations Trophy
Super-12 Trophy
Trans-Tasman Touch Football Trophy
Davis Cup
Hockey World Championship Trophy
Bledisloe Cup
Ashes urn.
All these trophies are now overseas and the Cabinet is excess to requirements.
To make an offer call R Stuart, R Ponting, S Mortlock or P. Fitzsimons who once commented
"The Australian Cabinet is groaning under the weight of all the trophies!"
They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT
 
An old man goes for a check-up with his doctor. "So, Mr Smith," says the doc, "how are you doing with those pills I gave you? Getting up for the toilet a bit less often at night? I hope you didn't take another fall in the dark?"

Smith nods eagerly, "Yes, thanks, doctor. I still gotta get up a coupla times, but, you know what? God and I got an agreement. When I gotta go, I open the toilet door and he puts the light on for me. I take a pee and when I go out, he puts the light off. So there's no worry about me falling over, see?"

The doctor is pleased with Mr Smith's progress and sees Mrs Smith in the local supermarket next morning. "Good morning, Mrs Smith! Glad to see you're looking well - and isn't Mr Smith doing fine now? And he's told me about his arrangement with God, you know."

Mrs Smith looks confused. "What arrangement with God is that?"

The doctor tells her about how Mr Smith reckons that God puts the light on and off for him every time he needs the toilet at night.

"Oh, holy shit!" yells Mrs Smith, "He's pissing in the fridge again!"
 
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say; ‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue; 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.’
 
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
 
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED.........

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat to the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 18 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started..

****
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started..

****
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And that's how the fight started..

****
I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it .. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started..

****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started..

****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could celebrate that long?'

And that's how the fight started...

****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's are near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started... J Philip B
 
"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
 
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A blonde woman walks into a store and is immediately curious about a shiny object on sale.

She asks the shop assistant, 'What is that?'

The assistant responds, 'It's a thermos.'

The blonde then asks, 'What does it do?'

'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'

So the blonde buys one. The next day she brings the thermos to work with her.

Her boss, also a blonde, asks, 'What is the shiny object?'

'It's a thermos.'

'What does it do?'

'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'

Her boss then asks, 'What do you have in there?'

The blonde replies, 'Two cups of coffee and an ice lolly.'
 
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound
coming from his parent’s room.

Finally one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mummy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mum is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well... ah... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

And the boy says, "Well, that won't work mummy!"

"Oh? and why not?" asks his mother.

"Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him straight back up again!"
 
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