Jokes

BAD DIET.......
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"






After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
 
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing extraordinarily well. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"This is a very smart dog," the man commented. [/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." [/FONT]
 
Apologies if this has been posted before..

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn, she poured him out on to the counter. Then she started talking to him in a low, sweet voice, tracing her fingers in the ashes as she did so..
"You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" she said "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
She goes on to say, "Irving, honey, remember that new car you promised me ? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes......................"
 
Blond Handywoman

A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing the
neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house
and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he
said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blond quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything
she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing
the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize
that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife agreed, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to
believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by
e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blond handywoman came to the door to
collect her money.

"You finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blond replied, "and I had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats - no extra charge."

Impressed, the man handed over the $50.



"And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a Porch -- it's
a Lexus."
 
LIARS' CLOCKS

Old Arthur passed away, and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him, and took him on the usual walking tour around Heaven. On their way through the Arrivals Hall, Arthur noticed millions of clocks everywhere, showing different times. "What's with the clocks, St. Peter?" he asked.

"Ah, those, Arthur. Those are Liars' Clocks. You see, we note everyone's behaviour up here. You tell a lie, your personal clock moves one second. See that one? That's Mother Theresa's. Not a second has it moved. She never told a lie! See that old one over there? That's Abraham Lincoln's - only a couple of seconds gone. Of course," he smiled, "not everyone's so good, and some are ticking along quite nicely - that's Kevin Jones's - he's a used car salesman."

Arthur looked around. "St. Peter, is there a clock for Gordon Brown?"

St. Peter stopped and thought for a moment. "Gordon Brown... Gordon... ah! Of course! I know where it is - it's in Jesus's office, being used as a ceiling fan!"
 
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest .. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before . . . and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"
 
Leroy goes to listen to the preacher.

After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over, to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray for?”

Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy says, “I don't know, Reverend. It's not until Wednesday.”
 
Where's the rolling around laughing emoticon when you want it? Consider it rolling, mrussell! :-)) (I love both of those, because you can just see them happening!)
 
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep ...

Now give me back my f*****g dog.
 
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The love story of Ralph and Edna...


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Hospital Director became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said: "Edna, I have good news and
bad news.. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable
friend...


Done my part!!!:p :D
 
(Apologies to members of FF, who've read this one before.)

Old Art and Martha are sitting on the big swing seat, on the porch of their old Alabammy home. They're sipping mint juleps, watching the sun set in a blaze of gold.

"Say, Martha, honey," says old Art, in his kindly, quiet way, "Do you remember when we wuz young, and we went to all them weekly dances?"

"Uh-huh, Art, uh-huh, hmm-hmm." says Martha, nodding her head.

"You remember the waltz, and the foxtrot, darlin'?" asks old Art, smiling in happy memory.

"Welll... it was a long time back, Arthur dear, but I guess so," says Martha, furrowing her brow. "I don't recall stuff the way you do, you know."

"Okay, just wonderin', my sweet," says Art, reaching out and squeezing Martha's hand. "Jus' wonderin'. Don't suppose you can recall the minuet, then?"

"Oh, Arthur, stop it! I cain't even remember the men I ferked!"
 
Love Poem

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy,
Beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished,
You will be weak for days.

All my love,






The 'Flu'

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

 
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Hairdryer through customs

Getting A Hairdryer Through Customs...

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
 
Cribbed from the Guardian, but so what?

Chap goes to the doctor.
"Give it to me straight, doctor. How long have I got?"
The doctore replies, "Ten."
"Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?"

The doctor goes on: "Nine, eight, seven ..."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Gandhi used to walk everywhere barefoot, so his feet became painfully rough.
Being a holy man, he also had a very simple diet - which left him thin & frail and gave him bad breath.

All of which made him a:

super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis!
------------------------------------------------------------------

A priest and a rabbi find themselves on a train together. They get chatting and the priest asks if the rabbi, in his youth, had ever tried bacon. The rabbit shyly admits that, yes, he once did.
But, he asks, before getting his vocation, did the priest ever have sex?
The priest murmurs that, yes, he did in his youth.


"Ah," says the rabbi, "better than bacon, isn't it?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There, hope you're feeling cheerful now! :D

Also, look out & Sea The Stars ... very cheering!
 
10 commandments of marriage

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Commandment 1

Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Final thought....
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
:<3::<3::<3:
 
Threat Levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Afghanistan and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
A Scottish man is sat fishing one day when God comes down from above saying, I am afraid my son but in 2 years time you will die, but as this will be so distressing for you I will grant you one wish.

With this the man said, “every year I go fishing at the outer Hebrides but the ferry trip takes too long, is there any chance you can build a bridge across so I can drive across quicker or fish in the middle”

With this God in disgust goes, “blimey, is there not anything cheaper or easier I can do. You want me to pay for all these concrete cylinders and cement so I can build a bridge all the way over to the outer Hebrides just so your fishing trip can be easier. Well how selfish especially in the current economical climate”. How selfish of you thought god and said is there not anything else I can do, something everyone can benefit from, something which would be useful to you and everyone, to make your wish worthwhile.

With that the Scot sat back and thought for a minute and said right, don’t worry about the bridge just tell me how a woman works ?

God says what do you mean ?

The jock goes you know, Everytime I want something a woman says no, Everytime something needs doing, she wont do it. Why does she always argue with me and blame me for everything. If you could tell me how they work then my final two years would be peaceful and I can advise all men so we can live an easy life and understand how the woman works and therefore have a peaceful life.

With a shy look on his face, God goes “eeerrrrr ummmm wellll” “how much cement do you want for your bridge”?
 
Apologies if this has been posted before:

Rules for Wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing done twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman .
 

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well,
they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.


The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.



Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
hurt!!!!!!


'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


.....................................

Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan, but it does look as if ------






​

she's......been .....sweeping around!!! ​
​
​
​
 
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