Jokes

Ford to acquire Renault.

Euro going down, Ford to acquire Renault.
Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and
engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect
small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be
able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him
where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month
and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported
that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get
it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to
have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased
appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases,
but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find
it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.
 
Mate of mine was telling me today he's just graduated as a mime artist.

The f*cker kept that quiet.
 
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
 
Very Very Ordinary said:
A Vic Reeves joke, Clivex will be thrilled (see Mrs Brown's Boys thread...)
Click to expand...


LOL. Aye, Clive and I have respectfully exchanged opposing views on Vic Reeves on another forum before! I maintain Reeves was a genius until about the late 1990s, whereupon he started to become the fat, jaded, unfocussed, repetitive, humourless Eurosceptic bore that prevails now.

Ah well, at least he gave us (about half of) all of Big Night Out, Smell Of..., The Weekenders and Bang Bang; his "I Will Cure You" pop album was a demented treat; and Families At War briefly took the family gameshow to territories few could ever have envisaged. I'll prefer to remember him for those than for the last few desperate series of Shooting Stars, the painful Monkey Trousers and such like.

This sermon of mine is probably in the wrong thread, isn't it. :-D

gc
 
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And he speaks so well of you, Grayson!

It's so long since I put up a joke, I can't remember if this is already on the board or not:

Way down in Tennessee, ole Hank and Martha are sitting out on the verandah in their rocking chairs, watching the sun go down, sippin' their mint juleps.

A gentle smile begins to play around Hank's mouth, and he leans across to Martha and says softly, "Honey, you remember when we wuz first datin'? How we'd steal a little bitty kiss out by the barn?"

Martha rocked to and fro, smiling. "Ah sho' do, sweetcakes, I sho' do. Those were some fine days."

A few more minutes of rocking go by, and Hank again looks across at Martha and asks, "Martha, sweetheart, do you remember those ole barn dances we used to go to? All those slow waltzes?"

Martha nods slowly, sipping on her julep. "Mm-mm, yessiree, darlin'. I remember them well. We were real good dancers in those days, we sure were."

More peaceful minutes slip by as the sun finally paints the evening in a coral glow.

"Martha," murmurs Hank, slurping the last drops of his julep from its frosty glass, "Martha, d'you still remember the minuet?"

Martha throws Hank a frown. "Huh? Hell, honey, that's so way back, I cain't even remember the men I ferked!"
 
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Celibacy can be a choice in life ... or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare: 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men:

'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it ?"

Thus began Ken's life of celibacy ................
 
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
 
A man dials 999.

"I need to report an explosion at the prosthetic limb factory where I work."

Operator: Is it serious?

Man: "It's not as bad as it looks..."
 
Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
 
One from the movie Catch 44 if you haven't heard it.

Nuns 123 and 4 go to confession.

Nun 1. I looked at a man's penis father.

Priest: Say 10 HM's and go wash your eyes in the holy water outside.

Nun 2. I touched a man's penis father

Priest: That's worse go say 20 HM's and wash your hands in the holy water outside.

A few moments later the priest hears some loud noises coming from outside and goes to investigate, to find Nun 4 is knocking lumps out of Nun 3 screaming "I'm going first".

"What on earth is going on?" asks the priest

Nun 4; "There's no way I am washing my mouth out in that water after she sticks her ar$e in it"
 
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The innocent children of Africa, their childhoods stolen, ripped from the arms of their crying parents. Soon unable to defend themselves they must learn to shoot, whilst a baying mob of savages cheer them on. Most will never learn to read or write, there are no medals for these brave lost causes, no victory, no respite. We must make the world aware, we must not turn our back....


ARSENE WENGER 2012
 
COPPER WIRE


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."


Makes you proud to be British.
 
A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher....
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---

but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?' (Are you ready for this????)


The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,




'Are you sure this is where he fell in?

 
STOP USING SHAMPOO NOW!!! your bound to lose weight????

I think this is so good... I am going to try it
Please share the following information with your friends

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out before!!!!!!


I wash my hair in the shower and the shampoo runs down all over my whole body.


Printed very clearly on the label is the following warning;


FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.

No WONDER I have been gaining weight !!!!



Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using
Dish Washing Liquid instead.


Its label reads,


"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved ! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!
 
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