Jokes

Our father,
who art in prison,
my mum knows not his name,
thy Riots come,
read it in "The Sun"
in
Birmingham , as it is in London ,
give us this day our Welfare bread
and forgive us our looting,
as we are happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into employment
but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the Facebook
the Blackberry & the Twitter,
forever and ever...


.... innit .
 
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

'Listen mate: don't waste your time down at the surgery.' Mike replies, 'There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid ... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.'

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology is, Jack begins wondering if the computer can be fooled.

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasures himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Tesco, eager to check what will happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Tesco
 
At a wine merchants the regular taster retired so the director started to look for a replacement.

A scruffy looking drunk came along to apply for the position, leaving the director wondering how to get rid of him.

Taking him to one side they gave him a glass of wine. He tried it and said "Its a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope and matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

Amazed the boss said "Thats correct" and gave him another glass. Swigging the wine he said "Thats a cabernet, eight years old, grown on a south west slope, matured in oak barrels at eight degrees and requires three more years for finest results......."

Yet further amazed the boss gave him a third glass. After tasting he reported "Thats a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.

The boss gave his secretary a nod and a wink to suggest something. She left the room and returned with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it and said..................

"Its a blonde, 26 years old and three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job Ill name the father."
 
Just a friendly warning....

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Transport indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol-related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by idiots who just drink tea, coffee, lattes, carbonated drinks, juices, milkshakes and stuff like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents as us lot....
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock
and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied: "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid!"

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said: "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Blanche replied: "Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid."

The pilot overheard the couple and said: "I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny, but if you say one word it's twenty quid."

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said: “I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Bill replied: "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out but you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, ...doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"








point.gif
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
Met a young lady in a club last night, later we went back to mine for a nightcap. After a few drinks we made our way upstairs
While we were undressing a voice from the bed said "I hope its not that fat bird you bought home last week"
Shocked the girl said "Who the heck was that?"
"Don't worry" I replied "Its just the bloody memory foam mattress."
 
Chap goes to the doctor's.

'I've come for my test results'

'Ah, yes', says the doctor, 'I have some good news and some bad news'

'Give me the bad news'

'You have three weeks to live'

'And the good news?'

'You see the beautiful nurse over there with the enormous boobs?'

'Yes'







'Well, I'm fucking her' :lol:
 


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?


A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What's a mixed feeling?


A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?


A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Q. What's the definition of macho?


A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?


A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?


A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?


A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What is a Yankee?


A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?


A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?


A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?


A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?


A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?


A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?


A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?


A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?


A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?


A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?


A. The swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?


A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Live well, laugh hard, & love deeply!!!
 
Hurricane hits Glasgow

Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?"

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.

Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank Street , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today. Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .

One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did... ma wee Chardonnay-Mercedes came running intae ma bedroom greetin'. Ma youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said "The noise wiz pure tremendous man... At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser " .

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers... Residents in neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were.

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".

Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, (2 furra pounda!) Rockport boots or Adidas trainers.

Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado, glue or hairspray. Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter.

*Breaking News*

Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble. Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco - Pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Craigmont Avenue, whit's it got to dae wi' you ya fudd?"
 
I had a fight going home last night.....

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car on the way home last night.

There we were pulled over alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car and . . .
you know how sometimes you just get sooo stressed and
then suddenly some little thing will strike you as the
funniest thing in the world?

Well I could NOT believe it . . . the guy was a DWARF!!
He stormed back to my
car, looked up at me, and said, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So I looked down at him and replied, 'Well, which one
are you then?'

. . And that's when the fight started . .
 



A man staggers into hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron tightly wrapped around his throat....
the doctor says "what happened to you"? the man replies "well i was playing golf with my wife, we both managed to slice our golf balls into a field of cows......
I found one stuck in a cows fanny,,,I yelled to my wife......this looks like yours", and i don't remember much after that...
 
Thanks but no thanks Party Casino, if I wanted to gamble when watching porn, I'd leave the volume on full and my door wide open when watching
 
Wondering what to do with that leftover turkey carcass at Christmas?

Take it to bed and pretend you're David Beckham.
 
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

... Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
 
Two perverts were standing on the footpath talking.

They spotted a dog licking its balls on the other side of the road. "God, I'd love to be able to do that" said the first pervert.

"I don't know about that, he'd rip your face off" said the other.
 
So I was bollock naked, masturbating, looking out the bedroom window at my neighbour's 17yo daughter sunbathing.

My wife came in and just stared at me for ages. She just kept looking at me as I pulled myself off.

Do you think she's a pervert?
 
Back
Top